Your guide to love in the workplace.

It's time for that ancient HR manual to be updated. The entire chapter on interoffice relationships needs an overhaul, and I'm just the man to do it. You see, I have a PhD in Reality.

The Situation: You're spending almost half your weekday waking hours around mating options.
The Dilemma: If you have sex with a coworker, it could affect your work and (when applicable) your other relationship.
The Solution: Have at it and avoid being caught.

Don't groan at me!

Yes, yes, I know: Most relationships fail, so any interoffice relationship is doomed from the get-go. Right. So, why not acknowledge that fact in advance, and agree to enjoy the fantasy fuck until it's no longer mutually pleasant? Then, just like at the end of a recreational sporting event, you shake hands and go about your business.

Office affairs don't really need to complicate things. They can be as simple as, "You scratch my gland (with your tongue, please) and I'll scratch yours." You don't fall in love with your masseuse or chiropractor, right? Keep love out of it. Provide a kind service to a coworker, and I advise you to keep money out of it. (You don't need the stress involved with collecting tax IDs and reporting payments to the IRS.)

Sexual tension and frustration cause job performance issues. It needs an outlet. By the way, I'm leaving in the clause forbidding office masturbation--that's just creepy and gross. Let's do a little role-playing exercise, shall we?

Scenario: Director Phil (unrelated ... honestly) is clicking through his unread messages in his office while sipping office coffee made from ground-up twigs. New employee, Valerie, strolls up and taps on his door. She's wearing a skirt and blouse that teeter on the edge of office-inappropriate (according to some HR beast whose vagina gets used about as often as Rush Limbaugh's treadmill).

"Good morning, Sir. A group of us are heading to Friday's for happy hour, and I thought I'd extend an invitation."
"Ah, how nice. I'd love to join you."
"Excellent. See you at six."

Later that day, the group slams appetizers and cocktails on the boss' tab while trying to avoid talking about work. Valerie's on martini #3, her blouse is partially untucked, and her hair is wild. She sits next to the boss and chats about ... who knows. All the boss hears is, "Please put your penis inside me."

At first there's some positive body language: outer leg crossed over inner leg toward boss. Then a bit of harmless touching of hands to arms and knees to knees. Things escalate with a hand on thigh, to make a point. Tension rises. Coworkers kind of notice, but they're not sure. They begin leaving. Finally, just the two of them remain.

Choice A: Phil walks Valerie to her car, ensures she's sober enough to drive, thanks her for inviting him, delivers a gentle fist-tap, and says he'll see her tomorrow.
Choice B: Three shots of tequila later the two sneak off to her SUV, crawl into the back seat, and knock nasties.

Choice A is by the (former) book, which results in two highly frustrated individuals whose only recourse is to go home to their mates and fantasize. This is unhealthy.
Choice B results in the bliss of sexual afterglow and an exciting little secret, which can be reminisced upon at any time to lighten the mood and improve morale.

I vote B.

NOT to do list for new relationships.

A friend is visiting from back east this week. She met a man on a dating site. They had some online banter, and she requested more pictures from him, since the ones on his profile were mostly head shots. That's a reasonable request, right? He asked for her mobile phone number so he could send the pictures. She complied. He sent (attached) a self portrait naked in bed. With the corny caption: "*Stretch, Yawn* Do I have to get up? G' mornin'."

What do you predict her reaction was?

1. "Damn, that's hot! Wish I were there to get you up."
2. A picture of herself naked.
3. Lose my number, quick.

If you chose #3, you were correct.

This is a grown man who needs to be schooled on dating etiquette. He sent this picture to one woman. How many people does he assume have seen it? Probably one. In reality, she has shown dozens, and I just posted it here to thousands. Now, this guy quite possibly has a massive ego and is unfazed and flattered by the spread of his nonsense. If nobody calls him on it, he'll continue doing it. I'm confident he will eventually find a woman who finds it sexy. Maybe he's strong enough to shrug off the misfires until he meets that woman.

"Dude. I'm sorry, but it's just creepy," is what I'd like to tell him.

Another thing people tend to do early in relationships is mention an ex. Bad move--not sometimes, every time. If you trash your ex to your next, you're showing the person you haven't healed. How many times have you had boyfriend wind up back with the ex he trashed thoroughly? It happens all the time, Sugartoe.

"I can't believe he went back to her."
"How do you know he did?"
"He friended her on Facebook and is tagged in photos with her."
"OK, that's slightly stalkerish on your part."
"It came up on my wall."
"Bull poopers. Don't go looking for dirt if you don't want to get dirty."
"He said all sorts of awful things about her, including how crazy, controlling, and sexually dull she was. Why would he go back to that?"
"Because she's really not all those things. He described her that way to justify the split to himself and to disarm you in case she appears in the vicinity."

If he speaks too highly of his ex, this also waves the yellow flag of caution. It could signal that he's not over her. This puts the new woman in a defensive posture and ruins the game.

This, among other reasons, is why exes should not come up in conversation. Exes are like sewage treatment plants: We all know they're around, but nobody wants to visit them.

Your Guide to Group Dates

With all the disappointment surrounding most one-on-one internet-arranged blind dates, let's welcome a new way to meet people: group dates. Think of this as the buffet of the dating world. Instead of being stuck with a meal (mate) the waiter (website) recommends because it's about to spoil (hasn't been laid since white belts were cool), you can browse the buffet until you satisfy your appetite.

Typical complaints I hear regarding dates arranged by traditional dating sites include:

1. He was ten years older than he claimed--maybe twenty.
2. She was twenty pounds heavier than she claimed--maybe thirty.
3. He was four inches shorter than he claimed.
4. She had ass breath.
5. He wore leather sandals.
6. She downed four drinks before dinner.
7. He must have showered in cheap cologne. I smelled him from the parking lot.
8. She spent most of the date staring at her iPhone.
9. He was expecting to have sex after dinner.
10. She had man hands.

This can all be avoided on the group date. When stuck next to a dud, excuse yourself and move down the buffet to the next item, Sugarsnack. Keep in mind there's a certain decorum required in the group date atmosphere. It's not quite as awkward as the one-on-one date, but you don't want to show up unprepared. Let me help.

Date preparation do:

• Cleanse thyself.
• Trim your fucking nails. (Sorry, that's a pinch point ... in fact, "pinch point" is a pinch point.)
• Mute your phone.
• Iron that top--sleeves too.
• Whiten dem teefs.

Date preparation do NOT:

• Eat garlic within 24 hours.
• Pre-Stalk the attendees.
• Ride a bike to the date, unless the date involves a bike ride, in which case, why are you going on that date?
• Be the first to arrive.
• Wear all white or all black.

During the group date, do:

• Smile.
• Ask others about their interests.
• Laugh at jokes, even when not funny.
• Pull chairs out for ladies.
• Be subtle when checking out boobs, butts, hand sizes, etc.

During the group date, do NOT:

• Avoid alcohol, but don't get shickered (yes, that's a word) either.
• Begin every sentence with "I ...".
• Attempt to play footsies.
• Allow rivals to know your target.
• Talk about Jesus, Romney, your roommates, prison, or that "thing" you had removed.

After the date, do:

• Tell people it was nice meeting them, without asking if you can mate soon.
• Keep a positive attitude. Consider it a success, even when no condoms are involved.
• A little research by Googling those who grabbed your interest. If you find a lovely picture and have an irresistible urge to release yourself, please close the blinds and never confess it.
• Tip generously.
• Hold the door for ladies.

After the date, do NOT:

• Suggest a nightcap in a hot tub.
• Let anyone see you get on the bus or in your car if it is a beater.
• Spoil the fact that you were fortunate to receive a phone number by texting something corny on the way home. 
• Expect a marriage proposal.
• Give up. Keep hitting that buffet, Babycakes.

It's time to put the man back in romance.

Hey, what about us? We feel neglected as we stare at a sea of Hallmark cards full of words we'd borrow to keep your fire burning. Love is more than just a blowjob, you know. We could use some non-sexual treats too. Think of the stress we go through at the florist's counter.

"I would like some flowers, please."
"All right, which ones?"
"Real ones?"
"I mean which types of flowers? Roses? Tulips? Lillies?"
"Um, yes?"
"OK. Let's start with the recipient."
"My girlfriend."
"The occasion?"
"Maintenance."
"I see. Budget?"
"Whatever it takes."
"I have no way of knowing that, sir. Can you give me a ballpark?"
"Jesus, not as expensive as a ballpark."
"..."
"Baseball joke. I get it--you were speaking metaphorically. What can I get for twenty bucks?"
"A pat on the head from a disappointed lady."
"Fine. Fifty?"
"We can create a nice arrangement for fifty. Would you like a vase?"
"No, I wouldn't. Would she?"
"Probably."
"A vase it is."

Can you feel the turmoil? This poor lad is knocking years off his life with chores like holding doors, tucking chairs, remembering important dates, and delivering jewelry. Where's the reciprocation? He deserves something more than permission to squeeze boobies.

Here are the top ten suggestions for romancing your man:

1. Bacon - It doesn't matter what it comes with, just make it crispy.
2. Kegerator - We'll even keep it in the cold basement or garage.
3. Bathe Us - Ah, to be surrounded by suds. Add a frosty mug while you're at it.
4. Wings - See #1.
5. Headphones - Really good ones that help us ignore things ... not you, of course.
6. Women-Only Weekend - We trust you. Can you take the kids too?
7. Fine Cigars
8. Single Malt Scotch
9. Nine Uninterrupted Innings - If you want to know what HBP stands for, Google it.
10. Neck Rubs - Extra points if you do it topless.

There, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Sometimes it's not good to have options.

As we tipped back a few sudsy beverages and watched the Padres blow another game last night, my pal Hank lamented about his single life being complicated. I thought only relationships were complicated. Heck, I'm single and that's simple and straightforward. When I sleep alone I prefer to be by myself. What could be complicated about single life?

"The problem is I have options."
"That sounds like a good thing, Hank."
"Not always. You see, people in relationships have limited options: remain faithful or stray."
"Right."
"I, on the other hand, have no girlfriend yet I have multiple partners who play different roles."
"Do tell."
"Well, I have Cindy who will have sex with me at the drop of a text, but will pressure me into taking her on dates."
"A reasonable request, no?"
"No. I don't like her that way and I can't justify the expenditure when freebies abound."
"Interesting. Next?"
"Option two is Pam who will have sex with me and leave without demands."
"Well, she sounds like a better option ... for you."
"Right, except she's married."
"Ah, that does complicate matters."
"Then I have option three who is Jessica, a delicious young specimen I have yet to bed."
"Why not?"
"She's a cocktail server at one of my favorite establishments."
"That Jessica? This establishment? Dude, she's twenty years younger."
"Hence the complication. Well, that plus the fact that she probably doesn't want to have sex with me."
"Then why is she considered an option?"
"Because she parties hard and if I can manage to stuff enough tequila into her, she might issue me a day pass."
"Doubtful, but you give her that old college freshman try."
"Option four is an ex-girlfriend, Gina, who misses me."
"I assume she's an ex for a good reason."
"The quality of the reason is indirectly proportional to the length of  my dry spell."
"Wouldn't going there be a step backward, Professor?"
"Dude, haven't you ever had make-up sex? It's right up there with hitting a walk-off grand slam."
"Yes, I have, actually. In this case, though, you're not actually making up, are you?"
"Oh, hell no. But, she doesn't need to know that, right?"
"And here I am with two options--righty or lefty--while a swine like you needs a fucking abacus."
"Don't hate the player."

Hank can keep his complications. I don't mind watching his game since it's entertaining. I just have no desire to play. I'm an old clown who has retired from juggling vaginas.

Love is a piece of cake.

The key to happiness: Don't be needy or needed.

Have you ever noticed that the most attractive people are independent? The people who need you the least are the ones you want to spend the most time with. Why is that? It's because they owe and offer no services to you and require nothing from you. They're free entertainment. There's no obligation either way so you're free to come and go as you please.

I have a guest on my weekly webcast this coming Monday who is a dating and relationship expert. I have never met her, but heard her described as oozing sexuality. Well, that certainly has my interest piqued. I'll bring a hanky. Still, I bet she's single as most matchmakers and relationship experts are.

Since I recently exited yet another relationship, I anticipate a well-deserved scolding about how I don't open up and dedicate enough of my time (what time?) to nurturing my relationships. Allow me to preminisce (my new word):

"How many serious relationships have you been in since your divorce?"
"A couple."
"How long did they last."
"A couple months."
"That's not a serious relationship."
"Ya think?"
"Fine. When's the last time you were in love?"
"May eighth of last year at around one in the afternoon."
"Wow, she must have been special for you to recall it in such detail."
"Yes. She was warm dark chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. I'm becoming aroused as we speak."
"See, that's your problem: You don't take relationships seriously. How can you expect to find love?"
"I can't. I expect to find happiness with or without a copilot."
"Don't you seek companionship?"
"Sure."
"... with something other than a dessert?"
"Can't I have both?"
"What about sex?"
"With a pastry?"
"No, jackass, with a woman."
"All right."
"I mean, don't you want to have lots of affection and sex."
"Define 'lots.'"
"You know, five or six times a week."
"You frisky little vixen, you."
"It may be a medical problem. You could be running low on testosterone."
"Or, I could be preserving it and my sanity."

Yes, as I age I'm not quite as sexually-centered as I used to be, but I have my moments. It has little to do with my hormone levels and more to do with maturity and being honest with myself. Sometimes with some women I desire frequent bonding; with others, occasional linking is fine. Either way, I don't need to have a girlfriend, roommate, or wife to be happy. I don't need lots of sex. Sure, I want it, but not when it comes attached to drama. In that case, a few yanks and a towel keep me from acting needy, and I've found the less needy I am, the more attractive I become. Strange.

How can you tell if a relationship is serious?

She sat amongst my team of barflies and bravely poked me with a stick.

"What's your story, Phil?"
"I'm happily single. You?"
"Single too. When was your last serious relationship?"
"Serious from whose perspective?"
"Huh?"
"Serious from the perspective of women I've dated? Your perspective? Mine?"
"You know what I mean."
"Not really."

I had to explain to Nelly the subjectivity of her question. I gave her examples. On a scale of one to five, five being most serious, here's my belief:

• Having this discussion: 1
• One-night stand, never saw each other again: 1.5
• Three dates without penetration:1.5
• I cook her dinner: 1.5
• She cooks me dinner: 2
• She watches me play baseball: 2
• I encourage her from the sidelines of a marathon or other event: 2.5
• I meet her family: 2.5
• We vacation together: 3
• She meets my family: 3
• We have double-dates with her friends: 3
• We bring each other around coworkers: 3
  
• We simultaneously brush teeth in adjoining sinks: 3
• We fart or pee in front of each other: 3.5
• I walk her dog: 3.5
  
• She spends an entire weekend at my house: 4
• We agree to each have blood tests done to avoid those pesky condoms: 4
• I hold her hair while she pukes: 4.5
• Her pet spends an entire weekend at my house: 4.5 (unless it's a sea-monkey)
• My bathroom contains her toothbrush (2), girlie soap (2.5), facial cream (3), makeup remover (3.5), tampons (4), underwear (4.5), or vibrator (5).
• Her bathroom contains anything of mine, other than toilet rim pee spots and hair: 4.5
• She gave up the butt: 4.5
• I gave up the butt: N/A (because it's not gonna fucking happen)

I'm strongly considering laminating and inserting this list within restaurant menus. Much is lost in subjectivity. Rarely do I find someone--especially one with ovaries--who agrees with my definition of "serious."

Alas, my honesty and sarcasm left the lady unimpressed, unreceptive, and unmatable. So be she.

Dear Philly: Why do men [fill in the blank]?

I realize it's dangerous to post such questions on Facebook and Twitter because men are stupid, psycho, stalkers. So, you can post your question anonymously as a comment on this blog post and I'll write a reply on my Facebook fan page at SuchaNiceGuy.

Post any question or observation you have about dating, relationships, and sex. Philly the Guru will rub his crystal balls, end your confusion, and ease your pain.

Don't date a dummy.

If you are a dummy, then move along. Otherwise, why would you waste your time dating someone who is as intellectually stimulating as a cold speculum? It’s like taking a class where you know more than the teacher does. Sure, it’s nice to have arm-candy, but eventually that human bracelet will open its mouth and ruin the fun.

You need to find someone who is slightly more intelligent to keep you engaged. There’s a tiny problem you’ll need to overcome due to the paradox—you’d be the dumber one. That’s where you can tout your other skills to make your ignorance tolerable. If I date an intellectually superior woman, I concentrate on my foot-rubbing, lasagna-cooking, and giggle-inducing skills. She won’t need my help completing crossword puzzles.

“I’m seeking a four-letter word for ‘An instrument of love.’”

“Cock?”

“Quit it.”

“Dong?”

“It’s not a dirty word, nimrod. This is in the New York Times.”

“Phil?”

“How self-serving.”

“Can I buy a vowel?”

“No, this isn’t Wheel of Fortune. Ah, I figured out the adjacent word. The one I need begins with R.”

“Rail?”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“Thank you, I think. That is a compliment, right?”

“Not exactly.”

“Don’t be mean. I bought you roses today, remember?”

“Rose!”

“No, roses. There were twelve. I counted.”

“The word is ‘rose.’”

“Oh. Of course it is. I knew that. I was just playin’.”

See? I can cover my mental gaps with humor. Most dummies don’t understand my jokes or they take them personally. Hence, dummies don’t last. I offend them and they respond by calling me a “douche” and restricting access. Case in point: Yesterday, I posted what I thought was a clever tweet based on a trending topic.

“#iknewitwasoverwhen Adele sang.”

This created a hippo stampede of women calling me an insensitive “h8ter.” I'm actually a fan of Adele. I’ve read numerous interviews where she refers to herself as overweight and, in fact, she prides herself on not giving a shit what people think about her appearance.

“I like having my hair and face done, but I'm not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy.” – Adele

So, why am I being mean when I agree with her? Whatever.

Back to my original point: You need to date someone who inspires you. Playing the teacher role is exhausting. Dating a sexy dummy is like:

• eating microwaved filet mignon.
• drinking lukewarm espresso.
• playing catch with an iPhone 4S.
• wearing a sexy skirt with tighty whiteys.
• watching an NFL football game on the stadium TV.
• complaining about the current president although you didn’t vote.
• spraying Chanel on your cha cha.
• paying the valet although you parked your own car.
• dunking a Milano cookie in light beer.
• wearing a biker outfit on a stationary bike.
• going to the library to read comic books.
• masturbating in jet bathroom to join the Mile-High Club.
• ordering a Reuben without the meat.
• adopting a yorkie for protection.
• eating egg whites. 
• getting a spray-tan in preparation for your beach vacation.

Enhance Me or Leave Me

No, I’m not seeking duck lips or melon boobs. If you’re currently single, don’t you find it interesting that as you age you limit entrance into your life to people who enhance it? The more self-sufficient you become, the less tolerant you become. I’m not speaking exclusively about sex. I doubt I’ll live to see masturbatory equipment make the other gender obsolete. It’s more about spending significant time with another person.

When we were children, we had little choice. We can’t select our siblings, neighbors, and classmates so we cope. Once we leave school, we begin to have options but the peer and familial pressures shove us down the aisle.

We go through the big wedding, nesting, reproducing, and straying. Once we hit our forties we begin to wonder what's left. Some of us take the brave and expensive route of reentering the mating pool with what some people will call damage and baggage. Pity. My experience taught me well. I’m not damaged. I’m just fine.

Then, a new strategy arises: We’re no longer out to find soul mates; we’re casually seeking people who make us happier. We’ve learned that more than one person is qualified for the position, so we don’t race back down the aisle again. We enjoy the rides and step off once things get complicated. Expiration is approaching so there’s no time to force together pieces that don’t fit.

I’m sure some people (married ones) see this as a dysfunction. It’s promiscuity, perhaps. Still, I don’t desire casual sex; I desire pleasurable sex with minimal aftertaste. I’m confident that one woman at a time can deliver those goods, but I won’t find her without hunting.

For example, say you left your husband today. (If it is easier, assume he left you.) You’re single and free. Cast away all of the financial nonsense and parental guilt that will keep you tied to an unhealthy relationship. You’re single, financially secure, the nest is empty, and your hormones are still flowing. What will you do?

I’ll tell you.

At first, you’ll timidly stick a toe in the mating pool. It’s chilly. You’ll consider going back to what you know (sucks). You’ll stick another toe in. It’s the post-marital Hokey-Pokey, if you will. You’ll have good sex with bad men and bad sex with good men. You’ll be frustrated and consider going back again. You won’t. You’ll gain confidence that you can find good sex with a good man. You finally find it and hang on. Then it sours.

Suddenly, you’re approaching fifty and you realize you don’t need your sentences finished for you. You’ve arranged your nest the way you like it and it doesn’t need more birds. You’ve found your happiness and you’re not about to trade it for penetration. Mr. Next is going to have to enhance your life significantly or he’ll remain with his competition on the fringes.

When you’ve reached this point—whether pets are involved or not—you’ve become the most attractive person you’ll ever be. Isn’t that ironic?

Tug-o-Love

The decisive moment arrives after a few dates when it’s time to adjust your strategy. Depending on how much you like the person, you should pursue, trail slightly, or lay way back. Be careful though as you can scare away your prey if you’re reckless. Then again, if it is your intention to ditch the datee, your actions could inadvertently create a love leech.

For example, if you are frightened and falling for this person, your tendency to overdo it could leave you sobbing. Therefore, men, if this is you, don’t:

• Buy her jewelry.
• Say those three words.
• Book any fancy vacations for two.
• Tell her or any of your male friends.
• Buy her a puppy.
• Introduce her at a work function as your girlfriend.
• Ask her father anything other than which scotch he prefers.
• Send flowers to her workplace.
• Tell her she’s the best lover you ever had.
• Over-call or text her.

Ladies can play this game poorly as well. It’s OK to tell your mom, sister, and best friends “he might be the one,” but for fuck’s sake, don’t tell him. Also, don’t:

• Leave anything at his house other than a hair pull. That means no underwear, toothbrushes, or lotions.
• Show up unannounced at one of his boys’ nights out.
• Discuss finances.
• Forget to take your pill.
• Touch his penis while he’s driving. Wait. OK, scratch that one.
• Ask strangers to take pictures of the happy couple, and if you already did that, never freaking ever make said picture your mobile phone wallpaper or profile picture.
• Book a couples massage.
• Rearrange his stuff or clean anything.
• Ask how many lovers he has had. You don’t want to know and he’d lie anyway.
• Email him love quotes.

Trailing the object of your desire is the most successful method. It keeps the other person engaged without feeling pestered. Do this by:

• Not sending more than two unanswered texts or anything over 140 characters.
• Maintaining nights where you are unavailable.
• Leaving before breakfast.
• Resisting the urge to check his or her cell phone and keeping yours inaccessible.
• Leaving your online dating profiles visible, but inactive … for now.
• Using the “I was drunk” excuse to cover your ass when doing or saying something stupid in the heat of the moment.
• Suggesting you each do your own thing and maybe meet up later.
• Maintaining radio silence while attending a bachelor/bachelorette party.
• Insisting there is separation of lovers and relatives.
• Leaving some of the ex’s belongings around the house to be discovered.

Chasing the next ex away is simple. Be sure to add a sprinkle of meanness into the breakup so the person doesn’t become that stray animal that follows you everywhere. Here’s a great line you can borrow:

• “There’s no chemistry so if your phone doesn't ring, it's probably me.”

Three Sides

I make shit up—that’s what I do. Also, it’s how I am acutely aware when people around me are doing the same. Most stories are bland without the spices of exaggeration, drama, and cattiness. The storyteller pads the story to amuse. Granted, there’s far too much padding at times as I wade through insignificant details toward the disappointing punch line.

When the story has to do with a relationship, it always has three sides: his story, her story, and the truth.

Look, people, we’re each somebody’s ex, right? The older you are, the more exes you’ve accumulated. Your ex is an ex for a reason (good or not). Your ex probably isn’t your biggest fan, putting it mildly. So, when somebody asks your ex for a reference, it’s probably not going to be stellar. Even if the ex gives you some high marks, rest assured that a hairy “but” will follow, which will detail your most undesirable traits.

“You should ask her out.”

“No way, dude. She’s your ex.”

“So? It’s all good.”

“If it were all good she wouldn’t be your ex.”

“Don’t you find her attractive?”

“Very much so. My compliments to you and your fine taste. Feel free to pick out a fine bottle of red for me. As far as the girl goes: I’m not going there.”

“I think you’d make a nice couple.”

“Right.”

“Seriously. She’s smart. In fact, she’s also a writer.”

I look at this the same way I look at investment advice or which flat screen to buy or which movie to attend. The advisor may have good intentions, but in actuality; the intention is to make the advisor feel better about his own investment. If the advisor can easily persuade the advised to follow him off the bridge, he’ll feel more secure.

“Let me introduce you two.”

“No, thank you.”

“There’s nothing between us. Honest. It’s cool.”

“Not doing it.”

“Why not?”

“OK, tell me something about her you didn’t like.”

“Well …”

“Yes?”

“Sometimes she could be overly emotional.”

“You just described every non-comatose woman I’ve met. What else?”

“She likes to drink—a bit much sometimes.”

“There’s plenty to go around.”

“See? She’s perfect for you.”

“You’re leaving something out. I know you are.”

“Nope. Meet her and find out for yourself.”

“You suck and I’m not doing it.”

“She’s great in the sack.”

“All right, that seals it. No fucking way I’m going anywhere your dong has been.”

If I took her out, the first topic of conversation after the normal pleasantries would be her ex-boyfriend. She’d first extract from me what he said about her. Based on her reaction to it, she’d  dish on him. Of course, it would all be embellished bullshit from her as well.

Like with any investment, bet, or purchase, it’s best to do your own research and bet with your head, not your heart. I can’t recall any relationship with a friend’s ex that worked out, so my head says, Hell no.

Last Date Questions

It’s time for a little negative reinforcement. These are things people are trained do to avoid pain. For example: If your husband trips over the shopping bags every night he comes home from work except for those nights following a morning orgasm, he’ll get the hint (or you’ll take over another shelf in the closet).

I cringe when I overhear ill-timed questions during a first date. Few men know how to read body language. They’re not discouraged by folded arms. They ask silly questions and obliviously plod toward what they hope ends between the sheets but will more likely end with a peck on the cheek and a long, late-night phone call between her and her best friend about the dud she just met.

Listen up, men. Do not ask any of the following questions on your first date or it will be your last:

1. When’s the last time you got laid?
2. Have you considered Botox?
3. Do a lot of hot chicks attend your yoga classes?
4. Did you vote for Obama?
5. Are your tits natural?
6. You so want me right now, don’t you?
7. Your place or yours?
8. Do I have any food in my dentures?
9. Why did your ex dump you?
10. Have any cute single friends … um, for my buddies?
11. Would you come to church with me this weekend?
12. How would you like to meet my parents?
13. That right there looks like it might be cancerous. Have you had it checked?
14. Clean-shaven, landing strip, or TruGreen thick-turf pussy?
15. How old were you when you lost your virginity, or might I be your first honored guest?
16. Are you taking birth control or are you past that point in your life anyway?
17. Is your company hiring?
18. Do you think a nipplegasm is a myth?
19. Are you open to getting rid of your pets?
20. You won’t mind splitting the tab with me, will you?

No Fun Girl

Women tend to overanalyze things when it comes to relationships. It’s understandable because one more Kettle rocks can lead to a candlelit bedroom and the morning-after dash. Still, as a man who has dated a few (hundred) I can say with confidence that couples should concentrate on chemistry and let the rest unfold organically.

There are two types of available women I typically meet. The one brand is in want-to-have-fun mode and isn’t concerned about my 401(k). Usually, this is because she’s in love with another and “taking a break.” She’s less demanding. I dig this chick. Hanging out with her is casual and less like a job interview. The problem is, she typically has buzzing around her an annoying black fly of a friend who is married to her soul mate and pestering the fun girl about her choices.

“Why are you flirting with him?”
“He’s cute. What? It’s harmless fun.”
“It doesn’t make sense. You’re wasting your time.”
“Look, I’m not giving him my ring size or anything.”
“But he’s scaring away other men.”
“It’s just harmless flirting. Relax.”
“He’s too [short/old/fat/broke/married/fashion-oblivious/unavailable/young/bald/etc.] for you to be hanging out with. You need to focus on finding the right man.”

What a cockroach-in-the-salad this “friend” is! She nags the fun girl in hopes of pairing her up so, ironically, she can commiserate with her about bothersome boyfriends. No matter what people invest in, they seek reassurance by persuading others to make a similar investment. Once another teammate is enlisted, they can whine and weep to someone who is no longer in a position to judge.

Another flavor of woman is desperately seeking co-pilot. Yikes! This one dons the doctor smock and begins dissecting the closest man within minutes of meeting him. She gives herself away with her shifting eyes and probing questions. Wise old toads like me know how to answer these questions vaguely.

“So, how much debt are you carrying?”
“Oh, I don’t know. About the same as everyone else.”
“Do you own your home?”
“The bank owns it. I live in it and accumulate cat hair and baubles.”
“How are your books selling?”
“Well enough for me to continue writing. No well enough for me to do so while sunning myself on the Amalfi Coast.”
“Do you think you’ll ever get married again?”
“Holy shit! Did you see that three-pointer Nowitski just hit?”
“I love hiking and bike riding. It’s so beautiful around here. I’m training for a 60-mile ride. You ride bikes, don’t you? How far can you ride?”
“There’s this great new invention called the automobile. You may have heard of it.”
“You seem like a nice guy. Why are you single?”
“I guess I haven’t met the right woman … till now.”

If you’re one of these women, you need to realize the man you’re questioning is gently trying to convert you into the want-to-have-fun woman. If your line of questioning continues without softening, he’ll excuse himself and feed your hatred of players. Be fun, carefree, and casual. Let things play out naturally. Please stop interviewing and start flirting.