It's time to put the man back in romance.

Hey, what about us? We feel neglected as we stare at a sea of Hallmark cards full of words we'd borrow to keep your fire burning. Love is more than just a blowjob, you know. We could use some non-sexual treats too. Think of the stress we go through at the florist's counter.

"I would like some flowers, please."
"All right, which ones?"
"Real ones?"
"I mean which types of flowers? Roses? Tulips? Lillies?"
"Um, yes?"
"OK. Let's start with the recipient."
"My girlfriend."
"The occasion?"
"Maintenance."
"I see. Budget?"
"Whatever it takes."
"I have no way of knowing that, sir. Can you give me a ballpark?"
"Jesus, not as expensive as a ballpark."
"..."
"Baseball joke. I get it--you were speaking metaphorically. What can I get for twenty bucks?"
"A pat on the head from a disappointed lady."
"Fine. Fifty?"
"We can create a nice arrangement for fifty. Would you like a vase?"
"No, I wouldn't. Would she?"
"Probably."
"A vase it is."

Can you feel the turmoil? This poor lad is knocking years off his life with chores like holding doors, tucking chairs, remembering important dates, and delivering jewelry. Where's the reciprocation? He deserves something more than permission to squeeze boobies.

Here are the top ten suggestions for romancing your man:

1. Bacon - It doesn't matter what it comes with, just make it crispy.
2. Kegerator - We'll even keep it in the cold basement or garage.
3. Bathe Us - Ah, to be surrounded by suds. Add a frosty mug while you're at it.
4. Wings - See #1.
5. Headphones - Really good ones that help us ignore things ... not you, of course.
6. Women-Only Weekend - We trust you. Can you take the kids too?
7. Fine Cigars
8. Single Malt Scotch
9. Nine Uninterrupted Innings - If you want to know what HBP stands for, Google it.
10. Neck Rubs - Extra points if you do it topless.

There, that wasn't so difficult, was it?