If he doesn’t call you, what does it mean?

Last night, I ran into a woman I dated once … once. Actually, I was chatting with her friend and when she introduced us, a tiny sensor went off in my Bushmills brain that said, “She looks familiar.” My sensors are less sensitive nowadays, leaving me in embarrassing situations.

“Oh, don’t even act like you don’t remember me.”

“Huh?”

“We had dinner date then went back to my place and I kicked your ass in Foosball.”

“Um…”

“What? You were so butt-hurt about a girl whooping you that you forgot to call?”

“I … but … losing in Foosball? That’s impossible.”

“Pathetic.”

“I think you have me confused with someone else.”

“No. You’re an author from Philadelphia. You drove a white Infiniti.”

Holy fucking shit. I’m such an ass.

“I’m just messing with you. Of course I remember.”

“Right. Let’s go, Betsy. Buh-bye, loser.”

Off they went. Well, I didn’t take a chardonnay bath so it could have been worse. Her friend was cute, but my chances were diminished now that Ms. Jilted tore me a new one.

Honestly, I don’t remember her or the date. I’ve dated numerous women since becoming single eight years ago. I can’t expect to recall every detail of every date, can I? I don’t think we had sex. Hm. Nope. I usually remember that. She probably had an annoying dog or halitosis. Whatever the reason, if I didn’t call her, I must not have been that into her so I did her a favor by tossing her back. It was only one date. How could she be sufficiently into me to hold such a grudge?

My buddies found it amusing. As much as I try to stay in the shadows, drama finds me and I eventually become the entertainment.

“You know she probably practiced your beat-down in the mirror for years just waiting for this day to come.”

“Stop. It was one fucking date.”

“Right now she’s taking laps around the bar telling all the single women you’re a heartless swine.”

“I know. Damn it. Her friend was cute, too.”

“No shot.”

“Oh, I bet if I pushed it, I could get a date out of her friend.”

“No way.”

“Women have egos too, dude. Her friend must know she’s a sassy pain-in-the-ass-y and is confident she’d have better luck with me.”

“That’s some twisted-ass logic.”

“Seriously. If you went on one date with a chick and she never returned your calls, that wouldn’t scare me away from her.”

“What if I told you she can burp the alphabet?”

“Fine.”

Jesus, woman! I’m sorry I didn’t call you. What would I have said, anyway? “Thank you for the date last night. I’m not feeling it, so there won’t be a second date. Have a nice life.” Radio silence is gentler. My conflict avoidance gene insists I skulk away quietly. If I burn a few bridges along the way, so be it. Life is too short to go on second dates with dead ends.

Last Date Questions

It’s time for a little negative reinforcement. These are things people are trained do to avoid pain. For example: If your husband trips over the shopping bags every night he comes home from work except for those nights following a morning orgasm, he’ll get the hint (or you’ll take over another shelf in the closet).

I cringe when I overhear ill-timed questions during a first date. Few men know how to read body language. They’re not discouraged by folded arms. They ask silly questions and obliviously plod toward what they hope ends between the sheets but will more likely end with a peck on the cheek and a long, late-night phone call between her and her best friend about the dud she just met.

Listen up, men. Do not ask any of the following questions on your first date or it will be your last:

1. When’s the last time you got laid?
2. Have you considered Botox?
3. Do a lot of hot chicks attend your yoga classes?
4. Did you vote for Obama?
5. Are your tits natural?
6. You so want me right now, don’t you?
7. Your place or yours?
8. Do I have any food in my dentures?
9. Why did your ex dump you?
10. Have any cute single friends … um, for my buddies?
11. Would you come to church with me this weekend?
12. How would you like to meet my parents?
13. That right there looks like it might be cancerous. Have you had it checked?
14. Clean-shaven, landing strip, or TruGreen thick-turf pussy?
15. How old were you when you lost your virginity, or might I be your first honored guest?
16. Are you taking birth control or are you past that point in your life anyway?
17. Is your company hiring?
18. Do you think a nipplegasm is a myth?
19. Are you open to getting rid of your pets?
20. You won’t mind splitting the tab with me, will you?

First Date Questions

We’ve been through so many first dates we may have forgotten how to act. Repetition breeds tedium, especially in relationships. (See the current divorce rate for evidence.) So, the next time a fellow comes a winking, and you decide to meet in a public place with lots of witnesses, bring along this handy list and refer to it frequently between sips of your just-makin’-you-handsome martini.

1. What do you do for a living? Don’t shorten the question to “What do you do?” because his answer will probably be irrelevant, like “Cupcakes.”
2. Do you have any children? Be careful with this one. Not everyone assumes that children and offspring are synonyms. An answer of yes can mean anything from diapered terrors to a freeloading adult.
3. Where did you go to school? If his answer ends in “Tech” and it doesn’t begin with “Texas” or “Virginia,” beware. Then again, if your front-end needs alignment, he could be useful.
4. Did you grow up in [where you currently are and, no, not “a bar”]? This will tell you how likely it is that the person you’re with has already mated with other patrons.
5. What’s in your iPod? If his answer is “Lint,” he gets points for creativity and no second date. If he lists Liza Minnelli, Madonna, and Depeche Mode, you have a new shopping partner. If he doesn’t know what an iPod is, send him back to the old folks’ home.
6. What do you like to do for fun? This will tell you much. Listen for subtle clues that he might be a redneck: “Go cow tipping, drink Old Milwaukee, chew, watch NASCAR, or campout in my backyard.” If everything he lists is an indoor activity, he’ll wind up being another piece of furniture you won’t use.
7. Do you like to cook? A great answer is, “Yes, in fact I was just about to go bake a fresh spoonful of crack. Be right back.” However, brownies, muffins, salmon, and green bean casserole are more encouraging.
8. What’s your favorite local restaurant? If his mother works there, excuse yourself. If it’s Carl’s Jr., look for clues that he’s wearing Spanx and diabetic.
9. Do you have any dream vacations in mind? I hope they don’t include anything in the Bible Belt or India. If he lists “Vegas,” he either is a gambling addict or convicted John.
10. What kinds of exercise do you do regularly? Encouraging answers involve some type of physical exertion beyond walking, kicking a spongy ball, and drinking beer between reps. Firing a gun is not exercise, nor is sitting in the stands yelling at teenagers or eating.

You can learn so much in ten simple questions, can’t you? Maybe I’ll create a score sheet to assist you further—an iPhone app, perhaps? Naturally, if he has huge hands or is a great kisser, his answers won’t matter … much.