Only 365 shopping days left until Christmas.

Did Santa bring everything you wished for? I took the lazy route this year and mailed gift cards. Much as I have become a "White Elephant" gift expert (booze always wins), I predict my gift cards were some of the most highly appreciated. The worst gift is usually clothing. In fact, clerks at Macy's should be trained to discourage it so they don't have a stampede of returns tomorrow.

"Hello, Sir. Is this lavender cardigan a gift?" she asked knowingly.
"It is."
"Put it back."
"What?"
"Turn your blind ass around and put this back where you found it."
"But it's for my mother."
"I don't care if it's for your poodle. Put it back and I'll start processing the gift card you're going to send instead."
"But ..."
"No 'but.' If you give this to your mother, she'll smile, thank you, and need to waste gas and time returning it. She'll stand in line with a group of similarly annoyed mothers, and yours truly will suffer the brunt of her attitude as I process the return."
"She likes sweaters."
"Ah, I don't doubt you. Here's the thing: She likes sweaters that she picks out. You don't want her to pick out your jeans, do you?"
"Well ..."
"You don't. When you give her a gift card, she can toss it into her purse and not think about it until she happens to be shopping. A return will wear on her as she reminds herself to bring it and the receipt the next time she's in the area."
"Maybe I could buy her perfume."
"Are you not listening? Your choices are cash or a gift card. Cash shows no creativity or thought and it will probably go toward her electric bill. Hence, a gift card."
"Fine."
"Good boy."

Another fine gift is scotch. It never spoils and actually improves with age--good stuff. In these rough economic times, I've fallen in love with mini-bottles. I can easily load my pockets with a few and save $7 a drink when I'm out. Sure, road sodas are a bit ghetto, but a man has got to drink and pay his mortgage. Did you know that Bailey's now comes in mini-bottle size? Fo' shizzle! Pick up a few and bring them to Starbucks. Twist off the cap and dump away into your burnt, brown morning speed. It's such an improvement and so festive! If the barista tries to charge you a corkage fee, kick him in the gonads and run.

There are only 365 shopping days until Christmas, my friend. Remember: booze or gift cards.

P.S. Before you're tempted to correct my math, note that 2012 is a leap year.

Tug-o-Love

The decisive moment arrives after a few dates when it’s time to adjust your strategy. Depending on how much you like the person, you should pursue, trail slightly, or lay way back. Be careful though as you can scare away your prey if you’re reckless. Then again, if it is your intention to ditch the datee, your actions could inadvertently create a love leech.

For example, if you are frightened and falling for this person, your tendency to overdo it could leave you sobbing. Therefore, men, if this is you, don’t:

• Buy her jewelry.
• Say those three words.
• Book any fancy vacations for two.
• Tell her or any of your male friends.
• Buy her a puppy.
• Introduce her at a work function as your girlfriend.
• Ask her father anything other than which scotch he prefers.
• Send flowers to her workplace.
• Tell her she’s the best lover you ever had.
• Over-call or text her.

Ladies can play this game poorly as well. It’s OK to tell your mom, sister, and best friends “he might be the one,” but for fuck’s sake, don’t tell him. Also, don’t:

• Leave anything at his house other than a hair pull. That means no underwear, toothbrushes, or lotions.
• Show up unannounced at one of his boys’ nights out.
• Discuss finances.
• Forget to take your pill.
• Touch his penis while he’s driving. Wait. OK, scratch that one.
• Ask strangers to take pictures of the happy couple, and if you already did that, never freaking ever make said picture your mobile phone wallpaper or profile picture.
• Book a couples massage.
• Rearrange his stuff or clean anything.
• Ask how many lovers he has had. You don’t want to know and he’d lie anyway.
• Email him love quotes.

Trailing the object of your desire is the most successful method. It keeps the other person engaged without feeling pestered. Do this by:

• Not sending more than two unanswered texts or anything over 140 characters.
• Maintaining nights where you are unavailable.
• Leaving before breakfast.
• Resisting the urge to check his or her cell phone and keeping yours inaccessible.
• Leaving your online dating profiles visible, but inactive … for now.
• Using the “I was drunk” excuse to cover your ass when doing or saying something stupid in the heat of the moment.
• Suggesting you each do your own thing and maybe meet up later.
• Maintaining radio silence while attending a bachelor/bachelorette party.
• Insisting there is separation of lovers and relatives.
• Leaving some of the ex’s belongings around the house to be discovered.

Chasing the next ex away is simple. Be sure to add a sprinkle of meanness into the breakup so the person doesn’t become that stray animal that follows you everywhere. Here’s a great line you can borrow:

• “There’s no chemistry so if your phone doesn't ring, it's probably me.”