Love is a piece of cake.

The key to happiness: Don't be needy or needed.

Have you ever noticed that the most attractive people are independent? The people who need you the least are the ones you want to spend the most time with. Why is that? It's because they owe and offer no services to you and require nothing from you. They're free entertainment. There's no obligation either way so you're free to come and go as you please.

I have a guest on my weekly webcast this coming Monday who is a dating and relationship expert. I have never met her, but heard her described as oozing sexuality. Well, that certainly has my interest piqued. I'll bring a hanky. Still, I bet she's single as most matchmakers and relationship experts are.

Since I recently exited yet another relationship, I anticipate a well-deserved scolding about how I don't open up and dedicate enough of my time (what time?) to nurturing my relationships. Allow me to preminisce (my new word):

"How many serious relationships have you been in since your divorce?"
"A couple."
"How long did they last."
"A couple months."
"That's not a serious relationship."
"Ya think?"
"Fine. When's the last time you were in love?"
"May eighth of last year at around one in the afternoon."
"Wow, she must have been special for you to recall it in such detail."
"Yes. She was warm dark chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. I'm becoming aroused as we speak."
"See, that's your problem: You don't take relationships seriously. How can you expect to find love?"
"I can't. I expect to find happiness with or without a copilot."
"Don't you seek companionship?"
"Sure."
"... with something other than a dessert?"
"Can't I have both?"
"What about sex?"
"With a pastry?"
"No, jackass, with a woman."
"All right."
"I mean, don't you want to have lots of affection and sex."
"Define 'lots.'"
"You know, five or six times a week."
"You frisky little vixen, you."
"It may be a medical problem. You could be running low on testosterone."
"Or, I could be preserving it and my sanity."

Yes, as I age I'm not quite as sexually-centered as I used to be, but I have my moments. It has little to do with my hormone levels and more to do with maturity and being honest with myself. Sometimes with some women I desire frequent bonding; with others, occasional linking is fine. Either way, I don't need to have a girlfriend, roommate, or wife to be happy. I don't need lots of sex. Sure, I want it, but not when it comes attached to drama. In that case, a few yanks and a towel keep me from acting needy, and I've found the less needy I am, the more attractive I become. Strange.

Lesson #1: How to avoid mistakes in the bedroom.

My little snow angel is away on maternity leave from the morning news, so why watch? Instead, this morning I dumped hot water onto my oatmeal and turned on The Playboy Channel. This is something I probably wouldn't get away with if I lived with anything except cats. As I devoured my paste-in-a-bowl an interesting show came on featuring couples--having a few "issues" in the bedroom--meeting with sexperts.

Maybe it's because of the target demographic, but it seems whenever a couple has a sex problem, the cause of the problem is the man and the victim is the woman.

Today's issues were:

1. He keeps his eyes closed while doing it.
2. He doesn't spend enough time with foreplay.
3. He doesn't provide proper manual and oral stimulation before penetration.
4. It's always the boring missionary position.
5. It feels too much like screwing instead of lovemaking.

All right, maybe these are typical. I haven't had a steady sheet stealer in eons, so what do I know?

Looking into each other's eyes during lovemaking can be sensual and it can be creepy. Perhaps that's why so many men prefer doggie style. When anybody stares at me, my reflexive response is to ask, "What?" That's probably not the most stimulating thing to say, but I'm the paranoid type. She could be:

• looking for me to say those three words.
• hoping I start talking dirty.
• worried I'm fantasizing about someone else.
• reading too many romance novels.

Yes, yes, every man knows every woman wants more foreplay. As I suggested before, go pick up a chess timer on Amazon and solve the problem fairly.

The one sex instructor, Jaiya (holy shnookers, she's sexy), whipped out a vagina fleshlight. That's not a typo. She demonstrated the proper stimulation of the female parts to Mr. Stabitquick. Her point was to play around the bulls-eye with varied levels of pressure instead of poking it like he's at an ATM. She also stressed the importance of finding her G-spot and rubbing it the right way.

Although the most frequently assumed position is missionary, I'm here to tell you, ladies, your man prefers you on top. Yep, every man. We want our hands free and don't want to risk lower back injury or elbow soreness with golf season approaching.

The lovemaking versus screwing thing is simply a matter of communication. Sometimes ladies want to be cuddled on a cloud of feathers to the sounds of crashing waves. Other times, ladies want to be tossed around and slammed like a tequila shot to the sounds of jungle animals. Before the first button is undone, specify your preference and he'll comply.