Your Guide to Group Dates

With all the disappointment surrounding most one-on-one internet-arranged blind dates, let's welcome a new way to meet people: group dates. Think of this as the buffet of the dating world. Instead of being stuck with a meal (mate) the waiter (website) recommends because it's about to spoil (hasn't been laid since white belts were cool), you can browse the buffet until you satisfy your appetite.

Typical complaints I hear regarding dates arranged by traditional dating sites include:

1. He was ten years older than he claimed--maybe twenty.
2. She was twenty pounds heavier than she claimed--maybe thirty.
3. He was four inches shorter than he claimed.
4. She had ass breath.
5. He wore leather sandals.
6. She downed four drinks before dinner.
7. He must have showered in cheap cologne. I smelled him from the parking lot.
8. She spent most of the date staring at her iPhone.
9. He was expecting to have sex after dinner.
10. She had man hands.

This can all be avoided on the group date. When stuck next to a dud, excuse yourself and move down the buffet to the next item, Sugarsnack. Keep in mind there's a certain decorum required in the group date atmosphere. It's not quite as awkward as the one-on-one date, but you don't want to show up unprepared. Let me help.

Date preparation do:

• Cleanse thyself.
• Trim your fucking nails. (Sorry, that's a pinch point ... in fact, "pinch point" is a pinch point.)
• Mute your phone.
• Iron that top--sleeves too.
• Whiten dem teefs.

Date preparation do NOT:

• Eat garlic within 24 hours.
• Pre-Stalk the attendees.
• Ride a bike to the date, unless the date involves a bike ride, in which case, why are you going on that date?
• Be the first to arrive.
• Wear all white or all black.

During the group date, do:

• Smile.
• Ask others about their interests.
• Laugh at jokes, even when not funny.
• Pull chairs out for ladies.
• Be subtle when checking out boobs, butts, hand sizes, etc.

During the group date, do NOT:

• Avoid alcohol, but don't get shickered (yes, that's a word) either.
• Begin every sentence with "I ...".
• Attempt to play footsies.
• Allow rivals to know your target.
• Talk about Jesus, Romney, your roommates, prison, or that "thing" you had removed.

After the date, do:

• Tell people it was nice meeting them, without asking if you can mate soon.
• Keep a positive attitude. Consider it a success, even when no condoms are involved.
• A little research by Googling those who grabbed your interest. If you find a lovely picture and have an irresistible urge to release yourself, please close the blinds and never confess it.
• Tip generously.
• Hold the door for ladies.

After the date, do NOT:

• Suggest a nightcap in a hot tub.
• Let anyone see you get on the bus or in your car if it is a beater.
• Spoil the fact that you were fortunate to receive a phone number by texting something corny on the way home. 
• Expect a marriage proposal.
• Give up. Keep hitting that buffet, Babycakes.

Enhance Me or Leave Me

No, I’m not seeking duck lips or melon boobs. If you’re currently single, don’t you find it interesting that as you age you limit entrance into your life to people who enhance it? The more self-sufficient you become, the less tolerant you become. I’m not speaking exclusively about sex. I doubt I’ll live to see masturbatory equipment make the other gender obsolete. It’s more about spending significant time with another person.

When we were children, we had little choice. We can’t select our siblings, neighbors, and classmates so we cope. Once we leave school, we begin to have options but the peer and familial pressures shove us down the aisle.

We go through the big wedding, nesting, reproducing, and straying. Once we hit our forties we begin to wonder what's left. Some of us take the brave and expensive route of reentering the mating pool with what some people will call damage and baggage. Pity. My experience taught me well. I’m not damaged. I’m just fine.

Then, a new strategy arises: We’re no longer out to find soul mates; we’re casually seeking people who make us happier. We’ve learned that more than one person is qualified for the position, so we don’t race back down the aisle again. We enjoy the rides and step off once things get complicated. Expiration is approaching so there’s no time to force together pieces that don’t fit.

I’m sure some people (married ones) see this as a dysfunction. It’s promiscuity, perhaps. Still, I don’t desire casual sex; I desire pleasurable sex with minimal aftertaste. I’m confident that one woman at a time can deliver those goods, but I won’t find her without hunting.

For example, say you left your husband today. (If it is easier, assume he left you.) You’re single and free. Cast away all of the financial nonsense and parental guilt that will keep you tied to an unhealthy relationship. You’re single, financially secure, the nest is empty, and your hormones are still flowing. What will you do?

I’ll tell you.

At first, you’ll timidly stick a toe in the mating pool. It’s chilly. You’ll consider going back to what you know (sucks). You’ll stick another toe in. It’s the post-marital Hokey-Pokey, if you will. You’ll have good sex with bad men and bad sex with good men. You’ll be frustrated and consider going back again. You won’t. You’ll gain confidence that you can find good sex with a good man. You finally find it and hang on. Then it sours.

Suddenly, you’re approaching fifty and you realize you don’t need your sentences finished for you. You’ve arranged your nest the way you like it and it doesn’t need more birds. You’ve found your happiness and you’re not about to trade it for penetration. Mr. Next is going to have to enhance your life significantly or he’ll remain with his competition on the fringes.

When you’ve reached this point—whether pets are involved or not—you’ve become the most attractive person you’ll ever be. Isn’t that ironic?