It's time to put the man back in romance.

Hey, what about us? We feel neglected as we stare at a sea of Hallmark cards full of words we'd borrow to keep your fire burning. Love is more than just a blowjob, you know. We could use some non-sexual treats too. Think of the stress we go through at the florist's counter.

"I would like some flowers, please."
"All right, which ones?"
"Real ones?"
"I mean which types of flowers? Roses? Tulips? Lillies?"
"Um, yes?"
"OK. Let's start with the recipient."
"My girlfriend."
"The occasion?"
"Maintenance."
"I see. Budget?"
"Whatever it takes."
"I have no way of knowing that, sir. Can you give me a ballpark?"
"Jesus, not as expensive as a ballpark."
"..."
"Baseball joke. I get it--you were speaking metaphorically. What can I get for twenty bucks?"
"A pat on the head from a disappointed lady."
"Fine. Fifty?"
"We can create a nice arrangement for fifty. Would you like a vase?"
"No, I wouldn't. Would she?"
"Probably."
"A vase it is."

Can you feel the turmoil? This poor lad is knocking years off his life with chores like holding doors, tucking chairs, remembering important dates, and delivering jewelry. Where's the reciprocation? He deserves something more than permission to squeeze boobies.

Here are the top ten suggestions for romancing your man:

1. Bacon - It doesn't matter what it comes with, just make it crispy.
2. Kegerator - We'll even keep it in the cold basement or garage.
3. Bathe Us - Ah, to be surrounded by suds. Add a frosty mug while you're at it.
4. Wings - See #1.
5. Headphones - Really good ones that help us ignore things ... not you, of course.
6. Women-Only Weekend - We trust you. Can you take the kids too?
7. Fine Cigars
8. Single Malt Scotch
9. Nine Uninterrupted Innings - If you want to know what HBP stands for, Google it.
10. Neck Rubs - Extra points if you do it topless.

There, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Love is a piece of cake.

The key to happiness: Don't be needy or needed.

Have you ever noticed that the most attractive people are independent? The people who need you the least are the ones you want to spend the most time with. Why is that? It's because they owe and offer no services to you and require nothing from you. They're free entertainment. There's no obligation either way so you're free to come and go as you please.

I have a guest on my weekly webcast this coming Monday who is a dating and relationship expert. I have never met her, but heard her described as oozing sexuality. Well, that certainly has my interest piqued. I'll bring a hanky. Still, I bet she's single as most matchmakers and relationship experts are.

Since I recently exited yet another relationship, I anticipate a well-deserved scolding about how I don't open up and dedicate enough of my time (what time?) to nurturing my relationships. Allow me to preminisce (my new word):

"How many serious relationships have you been in since your divorce?"
"A couple."
"How long did they last."
"A couple months."
"That's not a serious relationship."
"Ya think?"
"Fine. When's the last time you were in love?"
"May eighth of last year at around one in the afternoon."
"Wow, she must have been special for you to recall it in such detail."
"Yes. She was warm dark chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. I'm becoming aroused as we speak."
"See, that's your problem: You don't take relationships seriously. How can you expect to find love?"
"I can't. I expect to find happiness with or without a copilot."
"Don't you seek companionship?"
"Sure."
"... with something other than a dessert?"
"Can't I have both?"
"What about sex?"
"With a pastry?"
"No, jackass, with a woman."
"All right."
"I mean, don't you want to have lots of affection and sex."
"Define 'lots.'"
"You know, five or six times a week."
"You frisky little vixen, you."
"It may be a medical problem. You could be running low on testosterone."
"Or, I could be preserving it and my sanity."

Yes, as I age I'm not quite as sexually-centered as I used to be, but I have my moments. It has little to do with my hormone levels and more to do with maturity and being honest with myself. Sometimes with some women I desire frequent bonding; with others, occasional linking is fine. Either way, I don't need to have a girlfriend, roommate, or wife to be happy. I don't need lots of sex. Sure, I want it, but not when it comes attached to drama. In that case, a few yanks and a towel keep me from acting needy, and I've found the less needy I am, the more attractive I become. Strange.

How can she tell if he really likes her?

This is a problem most women have, although few men do. Perhaps it’s because women have more to invest and lose … oh, and because they don’t have hanging brains beneath their privates.

“How can I tell if he really likes me or just wants to sleep with me?”

“You’re hoping for both, aren’t you?”

“I don’t want to have sex with him if he’s not emotionally invested.”

“All right. That means you like him.”

“I do. I also don’t want to frustrate him and scare him away by making him wait too long.”

“Yep, that happens. Like you would with a new hire, you need to set expectations.”

“Right. I’ll tell him he can’t touch me until he likes me.”

“No, you need to be more specific. Show him some light at the end of the love tunnel. Tell him you’re selective about your lovers, and it could take a dozen dates before you’d be willing to go there.”

“Will a guy wait that long?”

“If he likes you he will … or, if his prospect pool has dried up.”

“Great.”

This is quite a love tug, isn’t it? If I’m attracted to a woman, by definition I want to have sex with her. That desire usually arrives before I have her name memorized. It’s a good thing as long as I don’t insist upon sex too soon, or have it and leave. It takes days or weeks to build a strong like; it takes seconds to build a strong desire.

I’m fighting myself by suggesting women make their men wait when women desire long-term relationships. Sometimes (right fucking now, in fact), a casual encounter is what the doctored ordered to get Russell the Love Muscle back in shape. A long sexual drought will cause a man to say and do whatever is required to close the deal. Humbly, I’ve been stunned by what came out of my mouth (and wallet) when I needed a slump-breaker.

Still, I bet most women can see through all the pleasantries and tell if there’s potential for a walk down the aisle or a walk of shame.

“If you know how you feel about him and have specific desires and goals regarding your relationship, you should tell him. Be honest. Be prepared for him to be scared off due to impatience. His departure will be a blessing.”

“Fine. Give me an example of what to say.”

“OK. Remove all distractions, sit across from him, and look into his eyes. It’s probably a good idea to hold his hands so he doesn’t sprint away. I’m kidding, sort of. Then say something to the tune of, ‘I want you to know I really like you and am excited about the possibility of building a significant relationship between us. I’m highly attracted to you and eager for the day we make love. If you feel the same way, we should enjoy the build up and not take things too quickly. Don’t worry. I won’t make you wait forever—just long enough to be confident that our hearts are equally invested. Fair enough?’”

“Wow. Can you print that on a note card for me?”

“Stop it, silly. Ad lib and he’ll find your sincerity refreshing … or, you’ll be back tomorrow for my consolation services.”

Tug-o-Love

The decisive moment arrives after a few dates when it’s time to adjust your strategy. Depending on how much you like the person, you should pursue, trail slightly, or lay way back. Be careful though as you can scare away your prey if you’re reckless. Then again, if it is your intention to ditch the datee, your actions could inadvertently create a love leech.

For example, if you are frightened and falling for this person, your tendency to overdo it could leave you sobbing. Therefore, men, if this is you, don’t:

• Buy her jewelry.
• Say those three words.
• Book any fancy vacations for two.
• Tell her or any of your male friends.
• Buy her a puppy.
• Introduce her at a work function as your girlfriend.
• Ask her father anything other than which scotch he prefers.
• Send flowers to her workplace.
• Tell her she’s the best lover you ever had.
• Over-call or text her.

Ladies can play this game poorly as well. It’s OK to tell your mom, sister, and best friends “he might be the one,” but for fuck’s sake, don’t tell him. Also, don’t:

• Leave anything at his house other than a hair pull. That means no underwear, toothbrushes, or lotions.
• Show up unannounced at one of his boys’ nights out.
• Discuss finances.
• Forget to take your pill.
• Touch his penis while he’s driving. Wait. OK, scratch that one.
• Ask strangers to take pictures of the happy couple, and if you already did that, never freaking ever make said picture your mobile phone wallpaper or profile picture.
• Book a couples massage.
• Rearrange his stuff or clean anything.
• Ask how many lovers he has had. You don’t want to know and he’d lie anyway.
• Email him love quotes.

Trailing the object of your desire is the most successful method. It keeps the other person engaged without feeling pestered. Do this by:

• Not sending more than two unanswered texts or anything over 140 characters.
• Maintaining nights where you are unavailable.
• Leaving before breakfast.
• Resisting the urge to check his or her cell phone and keeping yours inaccessible.
• Leaving your online dating profiles visible, but inactive … for now.
• Using the “I was drunk” excuse to cover your ass when doing or saying something stupid in the heat of the moment.
• Suggesting you each do your own thing and maybe meet up later.
• Maintaining radio silence while attending a bachelor/bachelorette party.
• Insisting there is separation of lovers and relatives.
• Leaving some of the ex’s belongings around the house to be discovered.

Chasing the next ex away is simple. Be sure to add a sprinkle of meanness into the breakup so the person doesn’t become that stray animal that follows you everywhere. Here’s a great line you can borrow:

• “There’s no chemistry so if your phone doesn't ring, it's probably me.”