This is
a problem most women have, although few men do. Perhaps it’s because women have
more to invest and lose … oh, and because they don’t have hanging brains beneath their
privates.
“How can
I tell if he really likes me or just wants to sleep with me?”
“You’re
hoping for both, aren’t you?”
“I don’t
want to have sex with him if he’s not emotionally invested.”
“All
right. That means you like him.”
“I do. I
also don’t want to frustrate him and scare him away by making him wait too long.”
“Yep,
that happens. Like you would with a new hire, you need to set expectations.”
“Right.
I’ll tell him he can’t touch me until he likes me.”
“No, you
need to be more specific. Show him some light at the end of the love tunnel.
Tell him you’re selective about your lovers, and it could take a dozen dates before you’d be willing to go there.”
“Will a guy
wait that long?”
“If he
likes you he will … or, if his prospect pool has dried up.”
“Great.”
This is
quite a love tug, isn’t it? If I’m attracted to a woman, by definition I want
to have sex with her. That desire usually arrives before I have her name memorized.
It’s a good thing as long as I don’t insist upon sex too soon, or have it and
leave. It takes days or weeks to build a strong like; it takes seconds to build
a strong desire.
I’m
fighting myself by suggesting women make their men wait when women desire long-term
relationships. Sometimes (right fucking now, in fact), a casual encounter is
what the doctored ordered to get Russell the Love Muscle back in shape. A long
sexual drought will cause a man to say and do whatever is required to close the
deal. Humbly, I’ve been stunned by what came out of my mouth (and wallet) when
I needed a slump-breaker.
Still, I
bet most women can see through all the pleasantries and tell if there’s potential
for a walk down the aisle or a walk of shame.
“If you
know how you feel about him and have specific desires and goals regarding your
relationship, you should tell him. Be honest. Be prepared for him
to be scared off due to impatience. His departure will be a blessing.”
“Fine.
Give me an example of what to say.”
“OK.
Remove all distractions, sit across from him, and look into his eyes. It’s
probably a good idea to hold his hands so he doesn’t sprint away. I’m kidding,
sort of. Then say something to the tune of, ‘I want you to know I really
like you and am excited about the possibility of building a significant
relationship between us. I’m highly attracted to you and eager for the day
we make love. If you feel the same way, we should enjoy the build up and not
take things too quickly. Don’t worry. I won’t make you wait forever—just long
enough to be confident that our hearts are equally invested. Fair enough?’”
“Wow.
Can you print that on a note card for me?”
“Stop
it, silly. Ad lib and he’ll find your sincerity refreshing … or, you’ll be back
tomorrow for my consolation services.”
Wth. We have to have a complicated conversation about why we aren't having sex? I say wait until whenever it makes sense. If he dips before then he wasn't planning on hanging around anyway.
ReplyDeleteI've tried the conversation before. Didn't work. He ran away.
ReplyDeleteThen again, maybe it did work.
I always just asked. the problem is that women need to feel loved in order to be physical and men need to be physical in order to feel love. they are opposite each other
ReplyDeleteI've found honesty works. Women aren't always averse to casual relationships - as long as they KNOW it's casual. Problems arise when he thinks it's casual and she thinks it's not.
ReplyDeleteIf a woman is interested on a long-term relationship, though, I always say don't have sex on the first date. My observations suggest that men like woman who have sex on a first date - for sex and sex only. He doesn't want his WIFE to be a woman who has sex on the first date.
Karysa, it worked!! LOL! Having the conversation isn't about making him stay. It's about weeding out the ones who were gonna dip anyway long before our emotions get strong enough that we'll be crushed when he does dip. I told my husband on date 4 (4!!!!) that I was looking for a husband. I made it clear that, while I understood we couldn't possibly know yet if this was even going to develop into a relationship, I was not at all interested in getting involved with someone who wasn't interested in and ready for marriage. I knew it was a risky conversation, but a risk I welcomed. Eight months later he proposed.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with telling a guy what you want out of the relationship. If the guy can't take it then he's not for you. If you don't want to have sex with him eventually then you are wasting your time on him because you wouldn't like him enough to want have sex with him. If he is someone you are interested in enough then you will eventually want to have sex with him. There it is!
ReplyDeleteThere is short-hand for "the talk": "I like you too much to sleep with you... right now." If the response is, "Could you like me a little less?" you know the guy just wants something casual.
ReplyDeleteSo I can't believe it. I just wrote a huge message and then it asked me to log in and erased it all. *Shoots self*. LOL ANYWAY...
ReplyDeleteSeriously? Hearts equally invested? I'm a woman and I would run if hearing that. Sounds like a marriage proposal coming far too soon (assuming that you haven't already made him wait for a year lol).
Perhaps an equal effect would be obtained with: "Let's have sex, but if you break my heart afterwards, I'm gonna cut your ***** off." =)) Funnier too. :)
Anyway, nothing guarantees a long term relationship. Not even the speech you gave or the time waited. =) As you said, sometimes people would do A LOT to get into someone's pants. Even waiting and eventually having sex with someone else meanwhile.
Also... I think the answer is always in us, men or women, and you can pretty much tell what someone's interested in.
Also... Better for them to leave earlier than later.
And last but not least, there are other ways to figure out if someone is really interested in more than sex.
Having said all that, I'm looking forward to reading more. :) :P