Three couples stood nearby as I worked on ridding another bar of its alcohol infestation. Out of respect and indifference, I usually ignore married women. However, I have noticed that when you ignore certain people they’ll display odd behaviors to grab attention. She wasn’t holding any signs, but began performing humping-jacks.
“Hey,
how are you?”
“All
right.”
“Are you
from around here?”
“You’re married.”
“You’re married.”
“I know.
My husband is right over there.”
“Right.”
“So …”
“Carlsbad.”
“Ah. You’re
really cute.”
“You’re
married.”
“You can
still be cute,” she said while grabbing my arm.
“I guess
it depends on your angle.”
“Wow,
you have great arms too.”
“You’re married.”
“You’re married.”
“I know.
Look, he’s cool. We’ve been married fourteen years. He trusts me. This is my
friend, Emma,” she said, dragging her friend into the conversation—confusing me
further.
“Hello,
Emma. I’m Phil … and you’re married too.”
“Yes, I
am. My husband is over there talking to Megan’s husband who, by the way, is my
gyno.”
“Of
course, he is.”
Both
women continued the unwelcome flirtation with my buddy and me. It was disturbing
not only because they were married, but because they were distracting us from
the unwed. They finally left us to refuel, and we debated their intentions.
“Dude, I’ll
hook up with a married woman, but not while her husband is a few feet away
encouraging it.”
“You
think they’re swingers?”
“No
doubt.”
“They
could be Christians.”
“What?”
“Some
sort of cult thing, possibly. Perhaps they lure single men back to their dens,
drug them, and shove speculums up their rectums.”
“No more
rum for you.”
“All
right. They’re swingers. Would you do it?”
“Hell
no. You?”
“That
little spinner, Megan, is right in my wheelhouse.”
“Go for
it.”
“Nope,
but I must play along.”
Megan
returned, sneaking up behind me and grabbing my ass cheeks like peaches.
“Wow,
you have a great ass.”
“By all
means, help yourself.”
“It’s
harmless. See? It gets me all worked up and then I go home and fuck the shit
out of my husband.”
“Happy
to be of service. I assume it’s OK for him to go a-groping too.”
“Sure,
but he’s talking football with his buddies.”
“’Tis
the season.”
“You can
grab my butt if you like,” she offered as she turned away, bent over, and lifted
her skirt—exposing her tiny pink panties. She looked over her left shoulder,
smiled, and winked. Naturally, this caused me to imagine the next great
one-handed catch Vincent Jackson would make.
“I like
and I won’t, but thank you.”
My buddy
asked if he saw what he thought he saw. I reassured him and excused myself to
the restroom to cool off. After a few shakes I walked straight into
Megan, who grabbed me and planted a slippery kiss on my paranoid lips.
“Hey,
you.”
“Megan,
what the …”
“Shh.
Let’s go into a stall and do it. Want to?”
“Yes and
no.”
“Don’t
worry. It’s cool.”
“You
have an unconventional marriage.”
“We just
do what we need to keep it spicy.”
“Have
you tried the jalapeƱo nachos?”
“Chicken.”
“… or
beef. Both are picoso.”
My instincts
prodded me but I couldn’t do it. What strange times we live in.
What are humping jacks? Nothing like this ever happens to me, I'd say you're a lucky guy. Gonna try humping jacks next time I'm out. Might help.
ReplyDeleteYou're either the best fiction writer I've ever read or you're my new hero. Dude, you have will power of steel. Seriously.
ReplyDelete