Fingers

We’re all a little weird, right? It’s all good—weird is interesting. My bizarre brothers and I share dating stories and it reassures me. Hank is freakier than I am, so he loves the way I cringe as he tells me of his latest encounter.

“We’re going to refer to this one as Little Oral Annie.”

“I like where this is heading already. Let me grab a fresh libation. Continue.”

“Well, she’s tiny—hence the ‘Little’ part.”

“Ooh, I may need to put in for a transfer. You know how I dig spinners.”

“No so fast, Vito.”

“All right. Where’d she get that oh-so-exciting second part of her name?”

“We have a nice dinner and head back to my sin bin to roll around a bit.”

“Yes.”

“I pour a few glasses of soon-to-be-wasted wine, light some candles, flip on the Adult Contemporary channel, and begin mauling her on the sofa.”

“Yes, yes.”

“We’re getting into it pretty heavy. She’s ideal because she’s tiny, making it easy for me to position her. I undo her buttons like a countdown. My hands are doing under-fabric exploration.”

“Yes, yes, yes.”

“She’s into the French kissing thing a bit much for my taste, but I can hang. Then she’s running her fingers through my hair, grabbing the back of my neck, and caressing my face. She’s touching my lips with her fingers and I begin to wonder how clean they are. Then she forces one of her fingers into my mouth.”

“Hoh, no! Please tell me you didn’t suck it.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“Spit it out!”

“Shut up."

"Spit ... it ... out!"

"I couldn’t do that. I closed my lips around her finger and licked the tip.”

“Check, please.”

“It doesn’t make me gay, dude.”

“Don’t stare at me with those longing eyes. I’ll not let you suck my finger, you … you … you digit licker.”

“OK, phobe-y, this next part is really going to get to you. She started moving her finger in and out of my mouth.”

“Give me your man card, right now! It has been re-fucking-voked.”

“It was all in the heat of the moment. She totally got off on it.”

“Right. Stay tuned, because next week she’s bringing her gay friend Keith on your date and you get to try your oral proclivity on him.”

“Shit. You think she’s setting me up for a freaky threesome?”

“Yup. There was only one way to avoid it.”

“Do tell.”

“Bite her finger and cough up a little phlegm.”

“What?”

“I’m not telling you to break the skin, but you need to send a message that you do not get off on anything going in and out of your mouth unless she has baby-carrot-sized nipples.”

Whatever happened to closed-mouth kissing and heavy petting? Fingers do not belong in other people’s mouths. No exception. I'm not even granting one for tasting cake batter off a lover’s index finger. Use a fucking spoon!

“Honey, fetch thee my Purell.”