"May I call you Beatrice?"
"No. You may call me Bea."
"All right. Bea, as you can see, this NDA has been signed by me."
"Would you like more chai tea?"
"Thank you, no, and touché, my sweetpea. I do have a question about the ground rules before we begin."
"Yes?"
"It's odd not being able to look you in the eyes. Where shall I look?"
"How about at my lips."
Bea licks her glistening red lips sensually. I melt.
"Holy shit."
"What did you say?" Bea asks as she leans forward.
"Um, sorry." I can't believe I just swore in front of the most influential woman in the county.
"I have this thing about swear words."
"I apologize. I won't let it happen again."
"Why? I didn't say it's a bad thing, did I?"
"Huh?" Sexy and strange.
"Look, Silver, although I don't use swear words, I'm not your typical lady. When a lover uses coarse language it makes me damp down there."
"That's fucking hot!" I try my luck.
"You're not a lover, Silver... not yet."
Yet?! "Oh. OK. I know you're a busy woman, so let's begin."
I wriggle uncomfortably in my chair, pull my reading glasses from my shirt collar, slide them to the base of my nose, and flip open my legal pad.
"Don't do that."
"Bea, I can't see the questions I've prepared without my glasses."
"Don't touch your nose."
"What?" I do it again.
"Stop. I'm warning you, Silver."
"Does it gross you out? Sorry."
"No, it turns me on."
"My nose?" Well, that's a first.
"No, the act of touching it."
"Do you want to touch my nose?" What a goddamned freak!
"What? No."
"I'm sorry. Have I missed something obvious?"
"You don't understand my world. It's nothing you've ever been exposed to. I have certain needs and fetishes, and I can't expect you to comprehend them."
"Nose fetishes?"
"That's one. I'll try to explain it to you, but you're not writing about this. Agreed?"
"Agreed." I slowly scratch the tip of my nose.
"Oh, my god! Please stop."
"Either tell me or I'll do it again."
"Your nose reminds me of my big beefy clitoris and when you touch it, it's like you're touching me."
"There's no fucking way your clit is as big as my Italian schnoz." I exclaim as I pinch the tip.
Bea slaps her hands down on her desk, stands up, and glares at me.
"You just used the F-word again."
"Bet your kinky fucking ass I did."
She flies over the table knocking me and the chair over. She's on top of my in full mount (as they say in MMA). I'm instantly erect as she balls my shirt up in each fist.
"You're going to hockey bang me right here, right now, Silver, or I'm going to yell rape and have my assistant beat you to a bloody puddle."
"Hockey bang?"
(to be continued)
LOL! That was hilarious! I have to admit though I am enjoying "Fifty Shades of Grey". It isn't the "trashy mom porn" people are calling it so much as it is a great psychological read.
ReplyDeleteThis Part 2 parody of Fifty Shades is hysterical *still laughing* ...kudos!
ReplyDeleteI like yours better, Phil. Jeez. Holy crap.
ReplyDeleteParody or no the author's first responsibility, that I'm told, is to well as if within itself it achieves a natural flow which keeps the reader peeled to the written piece because it's unavoidable. I read the third entry and perhaps I need you to explain this to me (which of course you won't because...you know time is of the essence)how this work from one chapter to another is codified as one work--and not three different little short vinettes. To me, I'm not so shrewd, but I need a bridge to walk to the other side, chapter, occurance etc. I enjoyed each chapter, if this is the new way of fiction, I'm deeply disturbed.
ReplyDeleteJessica, have you read the Fifty Shades books? I'm sorry if it isn't flowing for you, but I'm damn proud to have deeply disturbed you.
ReplyDelete