Why are we drawing on coffee?

A disturbing trend is the proliferation of pictures containing artistic designs made from coffee foam, or crema, as coffee snobs would say. This is silly. There's no good reason to create art from something I plan on consuming. I never want to utter the words, "It's too pretty to eat."

Imagine if bartenders began making designs in beer foam? WTF (why taint foam)? This would easily double the time from order to first sudsy-lipped sip, and that's unacceptable. What would my barkeep draw anyway? Perhaps she'd make a football team logo from pepper or carefully replace the beer foam with steamed milk foam. Ick!

Smiley faces are the easiest to create and few people have any superstitious beliefs around biting a smiley face. When I get a burger I flip the top bun and draw three dots and a curve from ketchup and, when I'm feeling extra Picasso-ey, I add a blond mustache in the form of mustard. This doesn't deter me from inhaling the artery clogger so it's acceptable.

When I order a dessert and the chef decides to drizzle anything across the plate, I'm unimpressed. It would be more practical to give me a side dipping cup of the sweet goo. When I was in Mexico for my 50th, the chef actually spelled out "Happy Birthday" on my dessert plate in chocolate syrup. I bet he was very proud. Alas, I am a childish ass--a fact the chef was not made aware of. Hence, I used my espresso spoon to mold the second word from "Birthday" into "Boobday" and one-upped that fucker.

Overnight guests are often treated to subliminal suggestion at the hands of Chef Philippe. My signature breakfast dish contains two sunny-side eggs across from two lumps of hash browns with a curiously curved, single link of sausage between the potato lumps. This dish includes English muffins each with a generous round dab of Nutella and one perfectly centered brown M&M. The sub-par gratuity I'm typically left gives me the impression my genius is wasted ... or dark nipples are rare.

So, baristas, please icksnay with the artay. Deliver my stimulant quickly without flair before it cools.