What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Nipple or Not?


A retired veteran claims he encountered a rare nipple sighting yesterday afternoon while casually strolling the city streets. Frederick Fudd, distant cousin of the late Elmer Fudd, alerted authorities when he allegedly saw a tiny brown wonder while crossing an intersection. Luckily, traffic cameras snapped a few shots before the mysterious object disappeared beneath fabric. Scientists are now scrambling to verify the sighting.

“What we need to determine is if the exposed area is indeed part of a woman’s nipple or a mole,” Professor Cuppington explained. “Nipples are rare this time of year, north of the equator. If what Fudd saw was indeed a nipple, it will be new evidence supporting global warming. If it’s a mole, I’m going to be fucking teed, as will an estimated ten million men when they realize they masturbated to a damn mole.”

When Fudd posted the now famous pictures on his Facebook page, people began viewing and sharing at record rates. Rallies cropped up in major cities, appropriately named “Occupy Bald Teat.” Fudd had no idea he’d be the spark that caused numerous sick days, random gatherings, hand jive, and a shortage of poster paper and Sharpies.

“Look, I don’t know nothing about any mole. What I saw was definitely a nipple on the end of some part-Asian girl’s tit. It wasn’t no wart neither. Son, do you have any idea how many nipples a man my age has seen? Thousands, I tell ya. Mole, shmole. Damn ingrates trying to make me look stupid.”

Demonstrators marched outside of the nation’s capital with signs supporting Fudd, such as:
“Jobs or nipples—we’ll take either or both, please.”
“Don’t tax the tatas.”
“Dang, it’s nipply out.”
“The end (of her boob) is near.”
“Jane 36:DD.”
“Hi Mom. Was I breastfed?”
“God save the funbags.”
“Nobody wants to motorboat moles.”
“Nothing would be finer than to also see vagin-er.”
“Fudd is Godd!”

The movement has certainly gained media attention as Fudd is scheduled to appear on Conan and in a local strip mall parking lot outside Subway. Although Fudd claims to be a Christian conservative, some Republican Party members have questioned his resolve, referring to his view as a “false nipple.”

“How can we be sure it’s a nipple?” asked a reverend supporter of republican candidates. “Sure, there are millions of milk-bearing boobie berries on God’s green earth, but He never meant to have them confused with skin maladies. There is only one true nipple. In times like these, we need to ask, ‘What would Jesus do?’”

When reporters caught up to Fudd at his home and told him about the reverend’s comments, he responded, “I’ll tell ya what Jesus would do: He’s point and say, ‘Look at those tits!’ just like I did.” It was the last comment obtained from Fudd before he slammed his camper door and mumbled something indiscernible.

Only time will tell if that controversial brown dot was nipple or not.

6 comments:

  1. Glad you wrote on the nipple. Nipples don't get enough attention. Boobs always steal the show.

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  2. "I'm one relationship disaster away from my third cat." - Who isn't?

    Actually, I only have one cat - but she's the size of three. Bless her heart.

    Fabulous post - and you milked it for all it was worth. [ducking]

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  3. Hilarious...You are a riot!
    jo-mywanderingmind.blogspot.com

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  4. I am still bent over laughing at this one (okay not at the very present moment or I wouldn't be able to type) LOL

    Loved this!

    ~Kesha

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  5. You are a trip! Had me laughing the whole time. "Milk-bearing boobie berries." Love it!

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