What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Friday, May 6, 2011

Directions

The top complaint I hear about men is we don’t respond to voicemails, text messages, and emails in a timely fashion. It’s all about setting expectations, ladies. If within your message you left an RSVP, your man would disappoint you less often.

“I can’t figure him out. We were on the phone and the connection dropped. I called back and it went straight to voicemail so I apologized if it was my cell service and asked him to call me back.”
“I’m guessing he hasn’t called you back.”
“No.”
“How long has it been?”
“A couple hours.”
“Did he respond via text?”
“No.”
“Hm.”
“Should I send him a text?”
“Why don’t you just wait a bit more?”
“I don’t know. This makes me think he’s not into me.”
“Does this happen often?”
“No. We usually talk two or three times a day.”
“All right, then he’ll probably call you later.”
“What if he doesn’t? Should I call him?”
“I guess it depends.”
“I don’t want to sound desperate and nag him.”
“Something probably came up.”
“I wonder if he’s out with another woman.”
“I thought you said you were exclusive.”
“I am. He didn’t specifically say it.”
“You’re probably reading too much into this. Why torture yourself?”

Men are not all the same, but we all have egos. Our egos want us to figure things out without directions. It makes them proud. That’s why we try to assemble items without reading the instructions. Sure, oftentimes it ends up in frustration, but if we get it right occasionally, let the chest pounding begin. We impress ourselves too easily.
  • If I can assemble a bike without instructions, I am highly dexterous.
  • If I can fix the car without taking it in for service, I am mechanically inclined.
  • If I can cook a fine meal without consulting a recipe, I am a chef.
  • If I can select a fine bottle of wine without asking the manager, call me Mr. Sommelier.
  • If, without any steering by you, I can bring you to orgasm with my fingers, mouth, or big (?) unit, I’m the best lover you’ve ever had and you’ll never leave me for another.
“OK, let’s role play. You make believe you’re my boyfriend.”
“All right.”
“I’ll send you the following text: 'I thought you were going to call me back.'”
“Sorry. I was caught up in something and lost track of the time.”
“So, why didn’t you take a minute and send me a text?”
“I know. Sorry. Are you having a good night?”
“It makes me feel like I’m not a priority to you.”
“Aw, that’s not true. I didn’t realize it was so important I call you right back.”
“It’s not that it was important. I just wanted to hear from you so I knew you were OK.”
“I’m fine, honey. I’m sorry. Look, next time I’ll call you right back. Promise. Do you forgive me?”
“I guess.”
“Great! Can we have sex now?”
“He wouldn’t have said that.”
“Really? Then, you’re right; He’s not that into you.”

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