Nicknames

Soon after we begin dating, we need to find creative nicknames to address our mates. It works against us because people love hearing their own names. Instead of a cute pet name, some people opt for variations of their mates' names. In my example that would include such incarnations as Philly, Philsie, and Phildo—a pet indeed.

To help my brothers along the path to relationship bliss, here are my top ten pet names for women:

1. Sweetness
2. Cutie (Pie optional as well as the creative—albeit lazy—spelling: QT.)
3. Honey
4. Sweetie
5. Hottie
6. Angel
7. Sexiness
8. Kitten
9. Cookie
10. Babycakes

Guys, please don’t use any of the following to refer to her, especially if other men are close enough to hear you.

1. Toots
2. Schmoopy
3. Cock Locker
4. Poopsie
5. Cuddle Muffin
6. Keeper of the Vag
7. Bumper Butt
8. Boo Boo
9. Nob Gobbler
10. Sugar Tits

The number one, cringe-inducing term of endearment is “baby.” When this word is deployed in a certain fashion, where the first syllable is drawn out—as in “Baaaay-bee”—it angers me to the point of murderous fantasies. I’ll give a pass to “babe,” but don’t you dare ever call your man with the former unless you’re in a soundproof room and he’s in a coma.

Here are some good ideas for affectionate pet names for your man:

1. Hun
2. Sugar
3. Dear
4. Lover
5. Tiger
6. Big
7. Bear
8. Papi
9. Cowboy
10. Studley

If you want to add some creativity and uniqueness, try:

1. Tripod
2. Horsecock
3. Orgasmatron
4. Staminaman
5. Puddin’ Pop
6. Thumper
7. More Than a Mouthful
8. God
9. Champ
10. Eggplant