Personality Tests

You can’t tell anything about a personality through physical traits, no matter what it says online. The only thing my elongated ring finger says about me is that my parents probably had elongated ring fingers. It may suggest that I can reach the G-spot more easily, but that’s hardly a personality trait. (Although, the fact that it was the first thing that came to my mind does suggest I am a generous person, exceptionally motivated to deliver pleasure to my sexual partner.)

The following physical traits may suggest the likelihood of certain personality traits, but not always:

• Tall – This may suggest he is intimidating and overbearing, or will uncoil a fire hose penis.
• Short – Could suggest he has an inferiority complex or is hung like a thumbtack.
• Fat – Bear-like fellows are usually jolly and they die young, so go marry a rich one, and try to tolerate his rolls.
• Skinny – He’s a stoner who rides a skateboard to work and eats too many carrots.
• Muscular – It depends on if he’s subtle about it or walks around in tank tops during the winter and stares at himself in the mirror constantly. If it comes with back acne, rest assured that he’s an angry person with balls resembling raisins.
• Big Hands or Feet – They don’t tell you much about his personality unless he insists on pressing palms together to show you just how large his hands are. Next time Mr. Pencil-Fingers does this with you and winks, remind him your small hands mean you have a Navy Seal boyfriend.
• Blue Eyes – It implies that he’s kind, loving, and trying a little too hard to convince you by writing this essay.
• Sculpted Eyebrows – Homo.
• Tattoo Sleeves – He’s trying to show the world he’s a badass. This means he’s probably a pussycat with mommy issues.
• Bald Head with Tan Lines from Sunglasses – He insecurely criticizes every man with the slightest pattern balding and claims the shaving of his own head is purely an elective procedure intended to save money on hair products.

I’ll tread lightly with my size ten shoes on the ladies:

• Tall – She’s overconfident.
• Short – She’s sassy.
• Fat – She’s not as fat as someone else is.
• Skinny – She’s a fussy eater, crack addict, or is wearing Spanx.
• Muscular – Likes vagina almost as much as I do.
• Big Hands or Feet – A firm foundation for downward-dog and doggie-style.
• Blue Eyes – (My mother has blue eyes. I abstain.)
• Sculpted Eyebrows – Thank goodness.
• Tattoo Sleeves – She likes it rough on the back of a Harley or is engaged to a tattoo artist.
• Short Hair with Reading Glasses – Overconfident, man-hating woman who has completely given up on her marriage and is now concentrating on raising her angry teenagers while considering going back to school to study criminal law or interior design. She enjoys shooting handguns, Obama-bashing, and giving talented authors one-star reviews on Amazon due to her clitoral numbness.