What am I supposed to do with your number?

When you distribute your phone number to a potential bedwarmer, what are your expectations? Wouldn’t it be logical to provide instructions along with the number? Why begin the relationship with ambiguity? Why test the man before the first date?

After exchanging a few witty (brushing my nails on my shirt right now) Match.com emails, I received a reply that contained a phone number. This baffled me. I was flattered to receive the number, but I didn’t know what exactly to do with it. Yes, I realized the intention was for me to use it to call her. My confusion concerned how and when. I put on my smart cap and decided the safest thing to do was send a text message asking what was best time for me to call. Gosh, sometimes I wonder how I fit all those brains in my skull.

Then my phone rang.

I allowed it to go to voice mail because I was on the treadmill and wasn’t in the mood for a face-plant, plus I didn’t want all my panting to scare her away.

“Hi, this is Missy from Match. I thought it would be nice to talk on the phone before we meet. So, give me a call when you get a chance and we can chat.”

When I called Missy, she lectured me. This made me and my curiosity shrivel.

“I’m new to this online dating thing. Tell me: Is it normal that guys get a number and instead of calling send more emails and then a text message.”

“Um, normal?”

“Just trying to figure men out.”

“Well, let me ask you this: If I called you seconds after I received your number, what would have been your impression?”

“I don’t know. I guess I would have been flattered and seen it as a sign of high interest on your part, much like providing my number showed high interest on my part.”

“I see. Perhaps you could have left your number with an asterisk and a note specifying a best time to call and the fact that you expect a voice call.”

“Really? I need to be that specific?”

“Or, you can be vague and disappointed, which will result in an awkward conversation with a man you’ve only met in two dimensions.”

“I didn’t mean for this to be awkward. I’m only asking.”

“In the past day, how many text messages have you sent and how many voice calls have you made?”

“Yes, I text my friends more often than I call them.”

“Hence, my decision to send a text fell in line with your tendencies.”

“It’s just so impersonal, especially when first meeting.”

“I understand and had I known your expectations I would have met or exceeded them. Now, let’s put this behind us, cupcake. Would you like to meet?”

“Um, sure, I guess so.”

Please don’t analyze me. I’m old and tired. I won’t chase you unless you’re coated in honey and powdered sugar. Point me to your pleasure buttons and I will comply.

Directions

The top complaint I hear about men is we don’t respond to voicemails, text messages, and emails in a timely fashion. It’s all about setting expectations, ladies. If within your message you left an RSVP, your man would disappoint you less often.

“I can’t figure him out. We were on the phone and the connection dropped. I called back and it went straight to voicemail so I apologized if it was my cell service and asked him to call me back.”
“I’m guessing he hasn’t called you back.”
“No.”
“How long has it been?”
“A couple hours.”
“Did he respond via text?”
“No.”
“Hm.”
“Should I send him a text?”
“Why don’t you just wait a bit more?”
“I don’t know. This makes me think he’s not into me.”
“Does this happen often?”
“No. We usually talk two or three times a day.”
“All right, then he’ll probably call you later.”
“What if he doesn’t? Should I call him?”
“I guess it depends.”
“I don’t want to sound desperate and nag him.”
“Something probably came up.”
“I wonder if he’s out with another woman.”
“I thought you said you were exclusive.”
“I am. He didn’t specifically say it.”
“You’re probably reading too much into this. Why torture yourself?”

Men are not all the same, but we all have egos. Our egos want us to figure things out without directions. It makes them proud. That’s why we try to assemble items without reading the instructions. Sure, oftentimes it ends up in frustration, but if we get it right occasionally, let the chest pounding begin. We impress ourselves too easily.

• If I can assemble a bike without instructions, I am highly dexterous.
• If I can fix the car without taking it in for service, I am mechanically inclined.
• If I can cook a fine meal without consulting a recipe, I am a chef.
• If I can select a fine bottle of wine without asking the manager, call me Mr. Sommelier.
• If, without any steering by you, I can bring you to orgasm with my fingers, mouth, or big (?) unit, I’m the best lover you’ve ever had and you’ll never leave me for another.

“OK, let’s role play. You make believe you’re my boyfriend.”
“All right.”
“I’ll send you the following text: 'I thought you were going to call me back.'”
“Sorry. I was caught up in something and lost track of the time.”
“So, why didn’t you take a minute and send me a text?”
“I know. Sorry. Are you having a good night?”
“It makes me feel like I’m not a priority to you.”
“Aw, that’s not true. I didn’t realize it was so important I call you right back.”
“It’s not that it was important. I just wanted to hear from you so I knew you were OK.”
“I’m fine, honey. I’m sorry. Look, next time I’ll call you right back. Promise. Do you forgive me?”
“I guess.”
“Great! Can we have sex now?”
“He wouldn’t have said that.”
“Really? Then, you’re right; He’s not that into you.”