Staying Single

Those money pit diggers at Match.com published an article about the types of men who stay single. They listed the workaholic, partier, shy guy, and picky guy as examples. They even interviewed Dr. Buzzkill, who added his expert opinion. Asking him is like asking a RadioShack employee if it’s wise to have a surge suppressor. The doctor’s reasons all push the readers toward extending their Match.com memberships.

Want to know why a man over thirty stays single? Because he hasn’t found a reason not to.

I don’t need any medical or psychological expert to run it down for me. I enjoy stress-free singlehood, that’s why I live in that 'hood. If someone came along and enhanced my life substantially, I’d consider moving closer to couplehood. If not, meh, no big deal—I hate packing anyway.

The most popular excuse I hear from women is, “Men are afraid to settle down.” I respond by adding two qualifying words to her sentence: “... with you.” Then, I deal with the look of disgust by saying, “Just kidding!” before she loses her shit on me. (I hate public displays of anger.)

Workaholics bust their asses to make enough money to afford hot, young women and their expensive tastes. A partier wants to trap a party animal tonight without considering tomorrow’s hangover (alimony). A shy guy would rather relax with a cabernet and a good book than a self-entitled sponge in dire need of emotional propping. A picky guy isn’t playing wingman with your chubby friend. Sorry.

Call the men whatever you wish, but every one of them will cave when that special woman comes along. Yes, it mostly has to do with sex. (Speaking of sex: Go fellate yourself, Doc.) Once one of these noncommittal men has his world rocked by a legendary lover, he’ll consider things he never thought he’d consider and he’ll thank God he held out this long. If he settled for Ms. One-BJ-per-Month a few years back, he would have never met Ms. Can-We-Do-It-Again.

Here are my expert suggestions to chronically single men:

• Don’t fret.
• Make yourself available.
• Go where the single women go.
• Be yourself—don’t play the role. (NOTE: One exception is if you need a slump-breaker. In that case, be what she needs and make sure there are no Flip cameras around.)
• Don’t use a sidekick who is so attractive she scares away the prospects.
• Never envy a married person unless his first name rhymes with Russell and his last name rhymes with Brand.
• Remind yourself that Jennifer Aniston is available.
• Use your imagination and some lotion.
• Think of all the money you’re saving.
• Trim your hedges. (Provided by a female acquaintance who will remain anonymous.)

My only suggestion to single ladies who encounter these beasts is to embrace the challenge. Dead fish are easy to catch. You don’t want to net a guppy. Throw your lures—fishnets, perfume, cleavage, eye shadow, heels, and wit—into the pond and toss back anything that doesn’t give you some struggle while reeling him in. You might end up with one tasty filet (or Phil-lay, if I haven't drowned yet).