Nice Knowing You

"What are you doing up so early?"
"Finishing my sixth book."
"Can I read it?"
"That depends on if you're feeling paranoid or not."
"Why? Did you write about me?"
"Like I said."
"Six books. Maybe you should take a break. Come back to bed."
"I can't."
"I think you're addicted to the internet."
"If you say so."
"You spend eight hours a day staring at a computer screen--weekends too."
"Well, that's my job."
"You're not writing all that time."
"True. Do you have any idea how many undiscovered boobs there are online?"
"So you're surfing porn."
"Perish the thought."
"Come back to bed where there are live, touchable boobs waiting."
"All right, after I finish this piece."

Fifteen minutes later she confronts me, fully dressed while carrying her overnight bag, iPhone, and runny eyes.

"Where are you going?"
"You don't love me. You love Facebook and Twitter, but you don't love me."
"That's not true."
"Which part?"
"Just give me five more minutes."
"If you love me, say the words."
"Huh?"
"You can't, can you?"
"How about I make some blueberry pancakes?"
"See? You're emotionally shut down."
"Come here. Sit on my lap."
"Say those three words."

I stare at her with a blank expression. She pirouettes, bounds down my stairs, opens the front door, and tries once more.

"This is your last chance, Nice Guy: Say those three words or I'll be out of your life."
"Nice knowing you."

THE END

-----

Look for my sixth book in the Nice Guy Series entitled Nice Knowing You, available in March 2012. I humbly appreciate your support and wish you a nice 2012.

Phil

Grocery Store War - Fight the Nonpareils

As you age, do you notice the things you eat seem to show up under your skin quicker and are harder to lose? After one serving of bread pudding I become disgusted as I brush my teeth before bedtime, watching my belly jiggle in the mirror. I resolve to do twenty minutes of cardio the next day to lose to wobble and proceed to create another food tumor instead.

My struggle begins in the grocery store. I try to follow that squeaky clean coloned showoff, Dr. Oz, and his recommendations regarding avoiding the middle aisles. I also grab a hand basket instead of a cart, hoping to limit the damage to my bone bag and my wallet.

• Enter store.
• Head to the right while holding breath as to avoid inhaling freshly baked butter bread fumes.
• Stop in front of peanut butter and debate the merits of natural versus super crunch and wind up selecting creamy version with honey because I'm weak.
• Stare at almonds. Almonds are good for me. Buy seven-dollar almonds to offset what's next.
• Non-fucking-pareils. NO!
• I see bagels. I need something to spread peanut butter on because eating it off index finger is disturbing. They have squished bagels with lower carbs. Do it.
• Ignore Twizzlers, Good N Fruity (the candy, not that dude from Glee), and Raisinettes.
• Turn the corner and observe meat shelves. Try not to think about where it came from. Can't. Oh, shit: Bacon! Fuck Porky. Must ... have ... bacon.
• Remembering nonpareils. Be strong!
• Stroll down condiments aisle. Nothing bad for me there. How about a jar of spicy pickles? Done.
• Hear cats' voices in head as I pass the canned tuna. "Daddy, please buy us tuna. You love us and we love tuna. Tuna helps us resist the urge to shred toilet paper and scratch leather. Six cans should do."
• Would rather not go down cereal aisle, but it's the shortest path to eggs. Maybe if I go quickly and keep my head down. Oh ... no: Cap'n Crunch brings back childhood memories. I wasn't a fat kid and I ate buckets of it. Justified. Must have it. Will use low-fat almond milk. No! Wait. Blueberry Pop Tarts. Fuck me. Get in my basket and shut up.
• Ah, eggs are protein goodness. Open carton to appear to be skilled shopper. Some eggs have freckles. Some women have freckles. It's all good.
• I must eats me spinach, toot toot.
• Damn, this basket is getting heavy. Technically, then, this is also a workout. I'm doing grocery curls. Worker doing price checks is staring at me. She looks frightened.
• I wonder how many calories are in a single nonpareil.
• That's enough! Skip rest of food aisles and go through housewares, cleaners, and bath stuff--zero calories and it's where the women hang. Cat box smells. Need Plug-In refill. Fuck me, six dollars. Will spray old cologne on litter instead.
• I saved six dollars and the nonpareils are $4.99. If I buy them I net one dollar and a penny. Hm.
• OK, one more aisle to go: fresh fruit and produce. Looks like work to me. Nah.
• Time to check out before shoulder is dislocated by heavy basket. How interesting: I must pass the nonpareils to get to register. If I don't buy them someone else will and what if it raises his cholesterol to dangerous levels and he dies before the ball drops? That would be awful. I'll buy the nonpareils and save his life.
• Other people in checkout line are staring at my food and judging me. I don't like people much.
• Checkout clerk is too bubbly. She needs a nose honk. No, I'll be arrested. Offer a fake smile instead.
• No, I don't need help loading my car. Jesus!
• On the way home, half the stuff jumps out of bags and rolls around floor of Jeep. Maybe I should take the turns a bit more slowly.
• Get home, carry bags inside, flop them on top of unopened bills on counter, shoo annoying cats giving me begging stares, unload bags, wonder why deodorant was bagged with spinach, do my part to recycle by assigning bags to cat litter duty.
• Stare at nonpareils. It's dinnertime. Wait until after dinner. Can't. Just one. OK. Open container, pop one in mouth, resist urge to bite it, let it melt, that's enough, bite it, nearly orgasm. Feel fat. Eat another. Forget about dinner. Eat another. Almost orgasm again. Hate myself. Masturbate. Orgasm. Feel sad. Eat another. Vow not to eat any more until after dinner. Eat another while cooking dinner. More hate. Giving up.
• Eating another while writing about it.

Have you defined your dream boy or dream girl?

If you don't know what you're after, prepare yourself for long nights of window shopping. Some people get off on that. Still, if you want a partner who fits, you'd better know your requirements. Each gender defines their mates uniquely, and each person within the gender has varied tastes as well. Most of these tastes change with age and experience.

For example, soon after my first boner, this was my dream girl:

• Older
• Experienced
• Likes to play
• Kisses with her mouth closed
• Has bouncy little boobies I can play with
• Will write book reports for me if I help her with algebra
• Loves Whopper Minis like I do
• Has a purse with candy, mostly the red, chewy kind
• Can't run as fast as I can or kick my butt
• Doesn't have any female friends who are mean

In college it changed to:

• Likes to drink until she pukes
• Smokes the occasional doob
• Can write an essay for me if I write her Basic program
• Likes to dance, with me only, to songs in my record collection
• Won't mind having sex with me if someone else is in the room and the lights are out
• Has a nice roommate who walks around in just her undies often
• Will attend sporting events with me and yell
• Wants sex more than once a week
• Won't bang any of my hallmates
• Knows how to give a blowjob without biting or squeezing my nuts too tightly

Post-college:

• Earns enough money to avoid leeching off my struggling-to-make-the-rent butt
• Has no more than one roommate, dog, or cat
• Doesn't mind sleeping over my place and leaving before breakfast
• Can help me shop for clothing and teach me how to iron
• Cooks something more than Ramen noodles, but doesn't mind eating them
• Is sometimes into deviant sex, but she never was with any previous lovers
• Works on losing the college twenty and keeping them off
• Wears bikinis, lingerie, and my shirts
• Is on some sort of reliable birth control
• Will keep the whining to a minimum while I do manly things

Mid-life:

• Drinks wine--almost as much as I do--and enjoys shots of fine tequila
• Will be my designated driver at least half the time
• Loves the penis often, especially in the morning without too much kissing
• Has her own TV, car, and credit cards
• Supports the democratic platform and legalization of marijuana
• Does some exercise (without me) beyond the senseless elliptical machine
• Is content having text-message conversations with me
• Will at least offer to buy me breakfast or cover a tip once in a while
• Hates condoms and has a well-kept whisker biscuit
• Won't correct me, shave me, or bring me to Jesus

My empty bed and cat-hair coated keyboard suggest my dream girl needs a makeover.

She hates me, she hates me not, she hates me.

There’s no kind way to let a prospect know she’s no longer a prospect without expecting to find your car keyed or burning poop on your stoop. We all need to stop taking things so personally instead of banging out text after unanswered text.

I’ve numbed myself sufficiently and I’ve also set an unanswered contact limit to two. After that, I assume she’s not interested or incapacitated (and I won’t delve into which one I prefer; let that one stew in my imagination).

The progression of the unanswered contacts usually goes like this:

• I miss you. When are we going to get together again?
• Hi, Sexy.
• Hey, how’s it going?
• Just thinking about you.
• Is your phone working?
• Hello?
• ???
• Really? You’re blowing me off?
• You have some nerve.
• I was never really into you anyway.
• You suck.
• I’ve been turned down by uglier people.
• I’ve already moved on to the next man. I’m done with boys so lose my number.
• Your loss.
• Sorry.
• I was tipsy when I sent those. Please accept my apology.
• Hello?
• I hate you.

There’s simply no way for the recipient of this avalanche of nonsense to respond, other than to hire bodyguards and adopt a large dog. You’ve convinced this person that you have major issues you need to work out and unless the recipient is going to be paid to help (e.g. your therapist), your contacts will be disregarded. Isn’t it ironic too that the person who follows this progression typically has a stalker ex as well?

Men, you need to be extra careful about this. Do not try to intimidate or guilt any woman into intimacy. There’s no reason to frighten anyone. Remember that anything you send can and will be used against you. Tell her you love her. Tell her you miss her. Tell her to have a nice life. Move on.

My buddies enjoy my angst when I run into a jilted ex.

“Holy shit, dude. What did you do to her?”
“Nothing, damn it. I just stopped calling her.”
“She’s right; you’re an asshole.”
“What? Because of radio silence?”
“Women need closure. You know that. Christ, you write about it.”
“And I also write about how I am the coward who will avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs. That’s why we’re leaving.”
“Don’t be a pussy too.”
“She might be crazy enough to make a scene. I’m not taking any chances. There’s plenty of wine in fairer pastures.”
“Eventually you’ll have exes in every bar. Then what?”
“Yoga.”
“Right.”
“Book clubs?”
“Ha!”
“Mall benches?”
“Soon, old man.”
“Fuck. I’m going to stay home and watch movies.”
“Good plan. Oh, and I’d lock the doors.”
“Nice.”

To every ex I’ve ever left, “I’m sorry! Yes, it was you. You didn’t meet my unrealistic expectations. Land Rovers don’t meet my expectations either and they get over it. So should you. Fine. At least leave me alone to disappoint another.”

Dear Philly: Why do men [fill in the blank]?

I realize it's dangerous to post such questions on Facebook and Twitter because men are stupid, psycho, stalkers. So, you can post your question anonymously as a comment on this blog post and I'll write a reply on my Facebook fan page at SuchaNiceGuy.

Post any question or observation you have about dating, relationships, and sex. Philly the Guru will rub his crystal balls, end your confusion, and ease your pain.

He loves her but another she loves him.

I put on my listening ears and let a brother vent to me. He has a heavy crush on a lovely woman who yo-yos in and out of his life. At the other end he has a different woman who happens to have the dreaded one-way crush on him.

"It's Murphy's Law: I love her and she loves someone else while she loves me and I love someone else."
"I'd say that's more the norm than the exception, Hank."
"It should be simple. Why do I love what I can't have while discarding what I have?"
"Because you're a womanizing mess, and God is punishing you."
"You don't even believe in God."
"True. Your god is punishing you."
"Lovely."
"Let's work on the target of your affection first. Have you professed your love for her?"
"I bought her dinner and sent a text heart."
"A text heart?"
"Less than sign, three."
"Add 'adolescent douche' to the list of reasons why you're single."
"Shut up. Chicks love text messages."
"Whatevs. (That's my attempt to speak your language.) If you don't tell her eye-to-eye how you feel, she could misinterpret your intentions."
"She probably just wants me as a friend and if I open up she'll climb a tree."
"If you love her, she's worth the chase. Now, about your fan."
"Ugh."
"Is she unattractive?"
"No. She's gorgeous."
"What's her issue, other than the fact that she has horrible taste?"
"She seems too desperate for a boyfriend. If I agree to date her, I'll have to watch every step I take because she's so fragile."
"True, fragile toys are stressful to play with. Have you told her you just want to be friends?"
"No, because I might consider taking her on if the woman I love turns me down."
"See? This is why I date my wine glass and ride my bed solo."
"But I like having a girlfriend. I get sex and companionship and don't seem like such a pathetic, lonely turd by sitting at a wine bar night after night getting drunk with empty seats on either side of me."
"None taken, asshat. You'll never be happy with the chick who is chasing you, so shut that shit down. As far as the object of your desire, you had better make your intentions clear before she latches onto another man because you never made a move."
"What if she shuts my shit down?"
"Then you move on to the next love domino, trying to fall for each other."

Only 365 shopping days left until Christmas.

Did Santa bring everything you wished for? I took the lazy route this year and mailed gift cards. Much as I have become a "White Elephant" gift expert (booze always wins), I predict my gift cards were some of the most highly appreciated. The worst gift is usually clothing. In fact, clerks at Macy's should be trained to discourage it so they don't have a stampede of returns tomorrow.

"Hello, Sir. Is this lavender cardigan a gift?" she asked knowingly.
"It is."
"Put it back."
"What?"
"Turn your blind ass around and put this back where you found it."
"But it's for my mother."
"I don't care if it's for your poodle. Put it back and I'll start processing the gift card you're going to send instead."
"But ..."
"No 'but.' If you give this to your mother, she'll smile, thank you, and need to waste gas and time returning it. She'll stand in line with a group of similarly annoyed mothers, and yours truly will suffer the brunt of her attitude as I process the return."
"She likes sweaters."
"Ah, I don't doubt you. Here's the thing: She likes sweaters that she picks out. You don't want her to pick out your jeans, do you?"
"Well ..."
"You don't. When you give her a gift card, she can toss it into her purse and not think about it until she happens to be shopping. A return will wear on her as she reminds herself to bring it and the receipt the next time she's in the area."
"Maybe I could buy her perfume."
"Are you not listening? Your choices are cash or a gift card. Cash shows no creativity or thought and it will probably go toward her electric bill. Hence, a gift card."
"Fine."
"Good boy."

Another fine gift is scotch. It never spoils and actually improves with age--good stuff. In these rough economic times, I've fallen in love with mini-bottles. I can easily load my pockets with a few and save $7 a drink when I'm out. Sure, road sodas are a bit ghetto, but a man has got to drink and pay his mortgage. Did you know that Bailey's now comes in mini-bottle size? Fo' shizzle! Pick up a few and bring them to Starbucks. Twist off the cap and dump away into your burnt, brown morning speed. It's such an improvement and so festive! If the barista tries to charge you a corkage fee, kick him in the gonads and run.

There are only 365 shopping days until Christmas, my friend. Remember: booze or gift cards.

P.S. Before you're tempted to correct my math, note that 2012 is a leap year.