She hates me, she hates me not, she hates me.

There’s no kind way to let a prospect know she’s no longer a prospect without expecting to find your car keyed or burning poop on your stoop. We all need to stop taking things so personally instead of banging out text after unanswered text.

I’ve numbed myself sufficiently and I’ve also set an unanswered contact limit to two. After that, I assume she’s not interested or incapacitated (and I won’t delve into which one I prefer; let that one stew in my imagination).

The progression of the unanswered contacts usually goes like this:

• I miss you. When are we going to get together again?
• Hi, Sexy.
• Hey, how’s it going?
• Just thinking about you.
• Is your phone working?
• Hello?
• ???
• Really? You’re blowing me off?
• You have some nerve.
• I was never really into you anyway.
• You suck.
• I’ve been turned down by uglier people.
• I’ve already moved on to the next man. I’m done with boys so lose my number.
• Your loss.
• Sorry.
• I was tipsy when I sent those. Please accept my apology.
• Hello?
• I hate you.

There’s simply no way for the recipient of this avalanche of nonsense to respond, other than to hire bodyguards and adopt a large dog. You’ve convinced this person that you have major issues you need to work out and unless the recipient is going to be paid to help (e.g. your therapist), your contacts will be disregarded. Isn’t it ironic too that the person who follows this progression typically has a stalker ex as well?

Men, you need to be extra careful about this. Do not try to intimidate or guilt any woman into intimacy. There’s no reason to frighten anyone. Remember that anything you send can and will be used against you. Tell her you love her. Tell her you miss her. Tell her to have a nice life. Move on.

My buddies enjoy my angst when I run into a jilted ex.

“Holy shit, dude. What did you do to her?”
“Nothing, damn it. I just stopped calling her.”
“She’s right; you’re an asshole.”
“What? Because of radio silence?”
“Women need closure. You know that. Christ, you write about it.”
“And I also write about how I am the coward who will avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs. That’s why we’re leaving.”
“Don’t be a pussy too.”
“She might be crazy enough to make a scene. I’m not taking any chances. There’s plenty of wine in fairer pastures.”
“Eventually you’ll have exes in every bar. Then what?”
“Yoga.”
“Right.”
“Book clubs?”
“Ha!”
“Mall benches?”
“Soon, old man.”
“Fuck. I’m going to stay home and watch movies.”
“Good plan. Oh, and I’d lock the doors.”
“Nice.”

To every ex I’ve ever left, “I’m sorry! Yes, it was you. You didn’t meet my unrealistic expectations. Land Rovers don’t meet my expectations either and they get over it. So should you. Fine. At least leave me alone to disappoint another.”

The End Hurts

When the relationship ends, sometimes there’s closure and sometimes there’s uncertainty. I’ve found my preference depends upon how much I enjoyed the relationship. If it was tedious and stressful, I don’t mind unanswered pokes. If I fell for her and she’s gone, I need answers. How am I to improve without feedback? Depending on her reason for leaving me lonely, there could be collateral ego damage causing me to limp toward my next victim.

Insignificant ego damage occurs when the reason is:

• I’m moving.
• I can’t fight it any longer—I’m gay.
• I’m pregnant with my ex’s child.
• I’m in prison.
• You’re too short, old, or hairy for me.
• Our religious beliefs, political affiliation, or values don’t mesh.
• We don’t enjoy the same things.
• I need to be pregnant like yesterday and you’re not helping.
• Work is too demanding right now. I don’t have time for a relationship.
• There’s no way we could ever live together.
• My parents threatened to cut me from the will if I continued dating you.
• You won’t commit so I’m off to find someone who will.
• My pets/children/parents/friends hate your pets/children/parents/friends.

Moderate ego damage comes from reasons like:

• I got back together with an ex.
• You won’t let me get freaky in bed.
• I never was that attracted to you. Sorry. I tried.
• We both knew this would never work.
• It was fun while it lasted—more so toward the beginning, though.
• Look, I was drunk. That’s why I slept with you. I can’t justify it by continuing this charade.
• I can’t keep a mate right now because it’s summertime.
• You need etiquette training.
• [crickets], de-friending, and finding your overnight stuff in a bag on your porch.
• This text message: “Please lose my number.”

Severe ego damage is caused by the following reasons:

• Your penis is too small (or vagina is too large).
• You’re stupid—really fucking stupid. How did you get past eighth grade?
• Superior options have presented themselves.
• I’m sleeping with my boss/therapist/gardener.
• You need a complete wardrobe and personality overhaul.
• The clitoris is toward the top, Pokey.
• My friends have finally gotten through to me. You’re a loser.
• You probably shouldn’t have introduced me to your sexy friend/uncle/neighbor.
• Thank you for being my slump-breaker. Goodbye now.
• You’ve obviously been letting yourself go so I might as well let you go too.

In case of severe ego damage, your best bet is to get right back into the game, blur your vision with bourbon, and aim a little lower. Your misery is sure to have company in most watering holes. Avoid the urge to sit in front of the TV hugging your pet and Häagen-Dazs® too tightly while watching movies that make you feel unworthy. Put on some fresh threads, think happy thoughts, and help repair the ego of the fellow jilted patron on the neighboring bar stool.

Distraction hastens healing.