Words to use between the sheets.

Are you a bedroom introvert or extrovert? I'm referring to verbal skills as opposed to oral or physical ones. If your partner is tossing a variety of compliments your way you can't lie there without reciprocating--unless you have a mouthful. You can be proactive by using lines before your partner does and score points for originality. This is important, people, pay attention! Look how haywire things can go if you're unprepared.

"Oh my God."
"Yes."
"That's right, Baby."
"Mmm."
"I love your penis."
"Me too."
"Huh?"
"I mean I love your ... um ... insides?"
"Yes, yes, give it to me."
"I'm giving it to you."
"Fuck. Oh, yes."
"Yes."
"It feels so good."
"I know."
"God, you make me so wet."
"You make me so wet with your ... wetness."

"CUT!"

Where's the originality? Where's the sincere appreciation within the verbal volley? They'd both enjoy it more if he were mute. In his defense, I need to ration my blood between brain and love muscle, so witty retorts aren't always easy to come by. One needs to tread lightly on the freaky fringes as to not cause offense. 

• Some women don't mind being fucked like a dirty little schoolgirl and others will react by undocking and leaving him dangling.
• If you ask, "You like that, don't you?" there's always a chance your partner will say, "No, not really, now that you mention it."
• "Who's your daddy?" never works. Never!
• Even if she actually works in such capacity, it's probably not a good idea to refer to her as a ho.

What's inevitable is one of the lovers will say something to the tune of "You're so hot." You can't respond with, "No, you are." Here are your choices:

• "You're so sexy."
• "You have an amazing body."
• "I love the way you feel."
• "I wish I could spend the entire night inside you."
• "Did you catch the score of the Suns game?"

Conversation Starters for Strangers

We've all been placed into that awkward situation where we meet new people and need to strike up a conversation to convince them we aren't catatonic. Depending on the role this new person plays, you need to alter your strategy. I've included a handy guide, which you should save to your phone and deploy the next time you're introduced to a stranger, suffer the silence, and are tempted to deploy that game-ender, "I got nothing."

If the new person is a mating option, topics include:

• What's your favorite (proceed in this order, please) mixed drink, dessert, movie, book, pet, vacation destination, lubricant, vibrator, sex position, morning after pill, and taxicab service?
• Are you sleepy/menstruating/ovulating/spermulating?
• Are you here with your spouse?
• Have you recently parted thigh for any of my acquaintances?
• Do you work out?

If the stranger is a parent of the mating option:

• What brought you to this country?
• Was your daughter/son a problem child?
• Were there any forms of physical torture deployed during your child's upbringing?
• Have you tried the knish here? I'm sorry. Do you know what a knish, ish? (Tee, hee.)
• Say, are you on Facebook?

If the stranger is the ex of a mating option:

• Is there anything I should know? Seriously. Why are you smirking?
• How large is your penis/vagina?
• Are you on any prescription medication?
• You look familiar. Did you pull me over last week?
• No hard feelings, right?

If the stranger is an unattractive friend of a mating option:

• Rough night?
• Who drove?
• What do you think of my buddy? Can you manage to become sufficiently interested in him/her to avoid cock-blocking me all night?
• I bet you can't chug this entire Long Island Iced Tea. Wow! OK, double or nothing?
• I'd totally be hitting on you, but you're too cute for me.

If the stranger is a coworker of a mating option:

• In your opinion, who's the office slutbag?
• Has your friend told you about how awesome I am in the sack?
• You look so familiar. Did I see you in a Tostitos commercial?
• Do you ever look at porn on your office computer? Know any good sites featuring Ukrainian women and summer squash?
• Are you hiring? Hell no, not for me; my roommate has been freeloading.

See that? Isn't it better than standing there smiling and scratching your butt while trying to come up with something as your mating option wanders off to the restroom? You're welcome.

Beware of the conqueror.

Men love challenges. Wise women present themselves as marvelous prizes to be earned. Nobody likes a pushover, except after a long drought. So, it all adds up: You want him; he wants you; you wink and run; he chases; you slow; he catches; you reward; he feasts; you bask in the afterglow. Then, he leaves behind a rotting carcass.

What the heck just happened?

You've been conquered.

I'm sure I've done this. I'm not proud because it's a mean thing to do. The game isn't supposed to end with a satisfied hunter who leaves such a mess behind. The bountiful relationship should be shared and rationed to last. Some people are greedy. Or, maybe it's fear arising from the realization that the good fortune could be fleeting. It could also be pride guiding the hunter to seek even more elusive prey.

If you're a woman in a power position, you're going to have men looking to conquer you. It's like that silly carnival game of ring the bell. He wants to ring your bell, Sugarwell, and prove his worthiness and proclivity to the other hunters. Don't feel cheapened. Don't feel used. Don't feel naive. It's all part of the dating jungle game. Shrug it off and use your scent to attract the next hunter. Eventually, you'll encounter the wise beast who knows how to share and ration.

Financially successful, popular, and powerful people are prime targets. Their skepticism keeps most hunters at bay. Yet, some sneak through. If the hunter is given a taste and then kicked aside, the hunter leaves dejected and often becomes obsessive. This makes the kind prey sad and tempted to give in to something unhealthy. How do we strike a balance?

Don't be discouraged and shut down. Look for the signs. After the first (always a bit awkward) night of nookiness, if the hunter hides in his cave, it could be because:

• He's embarrassed about his performance.
• His recent ex isn't completely out of the picture.
• You two didn't connect emotionally while connecting physically.
• He freaked out because he had low expectations but it was wonderful, which he wasn't ready for.
• You've been conquered.

Good luck figuring out which is the case.

What should you leave or take?

There's a famous scene (well, famous to most Italians) in The Godfather where Peter Clemenza says, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli." Peter obviously enjoyed his food and there was no blood spatter on the fine dessert, so I understand. When I leave my nest, I often run that thought through my mind as I decide what to leave and what to take.

For example, if you go to a bar that is foolish enough to serve Moscow Mules in a lovely brass cup, you're probably going to leave a tip and take the cup. The bar owner knows this, yet ginger spiked urine is all that is typically left.

When you visit a house party, what do you bring, leave, and take? If you're slick, you can manage to do your eco-best by bringing a nice bottle of wine, leaving a dirty wine glass, and taking home tomorrow's hangover. You might also take home:

• An intoxicated woman with a certain itch,
• A decorative spoon, as a souvenir,
• A covered plate containing your next three meals,
• Liquified shit because the host left the deviled eggs out too long,
• Fun, blue pills you found in the master bath,
• Unwelcome dog fur,
• A refrigerator magnet since you can rarely buy just one,
• Business cards for people who selfishly see house parties as prime opportunities to "network," which means begging you to give them money for something you don't want.

When you go to your office job, you should:

• leave a mug, take the paper clips.
• leave food you don't want to eat, take food other people left.
• leave post-it note penises on pictures in neighboring cubicles, take the pictures of your homely pets and children back home.
• leave an extra shirt in case you spill, take Splenda packets.
• leave the coworker's vagina/penis, take yours.

When you stay in a hotel for business, you should:

• leave a mess, take the maid's tip.
• leave a sock (you're going to do it anyway), take some towels.
• leave a stain on the comforter, take a Purell bath.
• leave toothpaste dots on the mirror, take the cute little soap thingies.
• leave someone else's neglected spouse, take your anonymous identity.

None of this requires a fancy derby or hungry Clemenza. Give and take wherever you go and keep the scales of visitation balanced.

Sorry, my dear, that is never a turn-on.

Bukkake (pronounced boo cock key) is either a Japanese method of serving an assortment of noodles or a facial, so to speak. I am admittedly a twisted, demented, and crass person, who befriends savages because they amuse the pee out of me. I'm desensitized to people like me or nicer. I need to be around beasts. My pal, Ronnie, needs some major therapy because he loves the bukkake.

"Dude, nobody--not a single woman on this planet--likes having a load blasted into her face."
"I know. It's the married ones."
"How did I know you were going to twist that?"
"What?"
"Single or married--none of them likes it. In fact, it's probably one of the biggest turn-offs."
"How do you know?"
"Because I talk to women, as opposed to spraying them like driveway dirt."
"Whatever. I get off on it."
"OK, I'm putting on my therapist's hat now. You have some issue where you feel the need to demean women."
"I don't think it's demeaning."
"A woman kneeling in front of you with goo dripping from her eyebrows and nose isn't imagining she's a princess about to be whisked away in a horse-drawn chariot."
"I usually keep a towel handy. It isn't like she needs to walk around with her eyes pasted shut."
"What do you get out of it?"
"I'm not sure. I just love it."
"So you purposely withdrawal and launch semen soup onto the poor unsuspecting woman's face?"
"Yep."
"Why don't they duck?"
"Good question. Maybe they enjoy it."
"Not possible. I think they're momentarily stunned by your cock Taser."

I've had some errant goo fly and it can be comical, especially when it creates a rope bridge across her lovely locks. It must be accidental, however; or it's completely bizarre. Man goo can land on sheets, pillows, carpets, counters, and apparel, but nothing from chin to forehead. If your man is into this sort of thing, I suggest you put an immediate end to it. Here's Dr. Phil's suggested treatment:

• Make a nice dinner, complete with fancy linens and china.
• Flirt, tease, and giggle during dinner.
• For dessert, heat up some tapioca pudding; lukewarm is best.
• Sit on his lap and tell him to close his eyes because you want to feed him.
• Ask him to open his mouth.
• Make motorboat or airplane noises as you loop a heaping tablespoon toward his mouth.
• Splash him between the eyes with it.
• Laugh, grab your iPhone, take a picture, and email it to his mother.
• Enjoy many goo-free nights henceforth.

If it doesn't work, take the pudding, leave the boy.

Are your friends annoying as paparazzi?

Sally has lost all of her interpersonal skills. She now resides within social media. She checks in everywhere, tweets hourly, and is constantly snapping iPhone pictures and uploading them. You used to like Sally and enjoy her company. You now consider tossing her phone into a margarita blender.

She always wants to pose with you when you're not feeling at your best. Then, she hands her phone to a gap-toothed cretin who hasn't progressed beyond a flip.

• Sally returns to pose, hugging you a bit inappropriately.
• He points the iPhone the wrong direction. Sally corrects him.
• He counts to three and pushes the edge of the phone. Sally corrects him.
• He counts to three, but at two Sally stops him because he's covering the lens area.
• He counts to three and nothing happens, so he turns the iPhone around to investigate; it flashes in his face; Sally now has a picture of his nose. Sally tells him there's a delay.
• He counts to five, thinking that would solve the timing issue. The phone flashes at seven.
• Sally takes the camera, checks the photo, and realizes you had your eyes closed. Your drink is nearly empty and you'd rather suffer an under-nail splinter than a retake.
• He tries again, but someone walks in front as he takes the picture.
• He tries again, but an idiot is holding rabbit ears up behind your head.
• He tries again, and you sprint away before she can force another shot.

Sally spends close to five minutes posting the photo to Foursquare and Facebook while tagging everyone within a twenty-foot radius. You're notified on your phone. Your mother texts you suggesting you may have a drinking problem. "Thanks, Sally."

A nice gentleman approaches and asks the usual questions a stranger poses to someone he'd eventually love to penetrate. Sally notices and screeches about how cute you two are. She deploys the dreaded iPhone and demands a photo. The new guy stands next to you and smiles. That's not good enough for Sally.

"Come on, you two. You're acting like strangers. Get closer."
"Sally, I just met him."
"We're all friends here. Hug her, Mister ... hey, what's your name?"
"Trevor."
"Hug her, Trevor. She's a hottie."
"All right."

Great. You permit the cuddle. One picture isn't enough. She takes six, thinking she's doing you a favor. Sally needs a beating. Sally remarks about what a nice couple you make, but she doesn't show you the pictures, which she posts and tags. You receive a text message from your mother reminding you to use condoms. Your ex-boyfriend sends you a text calling you a heartless skank-ho. You leave the bar and plot your revenge.

How to escape a boring conversation.

Aren't you more easily bored as the days pass? You're becoming selfish about your ever-dwindling time left on this spinning blue marble. When someone begins a long story, you ache for the punchline that will set you free to revisit your favorite bartender.

Some people live for being on stage; that doesn't mean you need to join the audience. When the babble begins, here are simple ways to remove yourself:

1. Fake a sneeze and make sure a booger dangles off the tip of your nose like a disease-ridden pendulum.
2. Begin tweaking your own nipples.
3. Unlock your phone and continue your Scrabble game. Interrupt and ask what four-letter word you could make from the letters N-W-A-Y.
4. Tug your undies from your butt crack and then sniff your fingers.
5. Look around and say, "What's that smell? Is it blue cheese stuffed olives? I must have one right this second or I shall perish."
6. Laugh before the punchline, spit up a little, and run to the restroom.
7. Ask the speaker to hold that thought while you search your purse for earbuds.
8. Blow bubbles through the straw in your mojito.
9. Yell, "He shoots; he scores!" (This works best if there is a TV in the vicinity with hockey, basketball, or soccer playing.)
10. Floss.

In case you're wondering if you are one of the offending parties (just wondering suggests you probably are), before continuing the extended rant, see if the subject of your dissertation is any of the following:

• Your children, pets, or coworkers.
• A picture, video, or cool app on your phone.
• The election.
• Church.
• Hot dog ingredients or the caloric content of anything.
• An odd-looking mole you found on the back of your neck.
• Plants.
• Any TV show from the 90s.
• How much money you saved by ... anything.
• The weather.

If it's on the list, stop immediately, apologize, and fetch a round of shots--not the cheap, fruity kind either--for those you have offended.

This is national low-tolerance month. Do your part.