Words to use between the sheets.

Are you a bedroom introvert or extrovert? I'm referring to verbal skills as opposed to oral or physical ones. If your partner is tossing a variety of compliments your way you can't lie there without reciprocating--unless you have a mouthful. You can be proactive by using lines before your partner does and score points for originality. This is important, people, pay attention! Look how haywire things can go if you're unprepared.

"Oh my God."
"Yes."
"That's right, Baby."
"Mmm."
"I love your penis."
"Me too."
"Huh?"
"I mean I love your ... um ... insides?"
"Yes, yes, give it to me."
"I'm giving it to you."
"Fuck. Oh, yes."
"Yes."
"It feels so good."
"I know."
"God, you make me so wet."
"You make me so wet with your ... wetness."

"CUT!"

Where's the originality? Where's the sincere appreciation within the verbal volley? They'd both enjoy it more if he were mute. In his defense, I need to ration my blood between brain and love muscle, so witty retorts aren't always easy to come by. One needs to tread lightly on the freaky fringes as to not cause offense. 

• Some women don't mind being fucked like a dirty little schoolgirl and others will react by undocking and leaving him dangling.
• If you ask, "You like that, don't you?" there's always a chance your partner will say, "No, not really, now that you mention it."
• "Who's your daddy?" never works. Never!
• Even if she actually works in such capacity, it's probably not a good idea to refer to her as a ho.

What's inevitable is one of the lovers will say something to the tune of "You're so hot." You can't respond with, "No, you are." Here are your choices:

• "You're so sexy."
• "You have an amazing body."
• "I love the way you feel."
• "I wish I could spend the entire night inside you."
• "Did you catch the score of the Suns game?"

I don’t want anything F’d out of me.

I’m sorry. I'd rather not have anything F’d out of me, aside from the obvious. Is that odd? Why do people use such terms?

“I’m going to F his brains out.”

“I’ll F the S out of her.”

It sounds somewhat gross to me. Naturally, I’m taking things too literally as I often do. My mind ventures into a scene where she’s bouncing away on top of me as the mattress squeals and I try to hold in my Orange Chicken. Finally, she has overwhelmed me, I lose control, and crap the sheets while a tiny bit of brain shoots from my ear onto the nightstand.

“There. I told you. I just F’d the S out of you and banged your brains out.”

“You’re proud of this?”

“Yes.”

“Look, there are so many other S-words I wouldn’t mind F’d from me. There’s sperm, semen, sweat, snot, and even spit. Of all the S-words, why that one?”

“It’s just a figure of speech. You don’t want me to say I’ll F the sperm out of you, do you?”

“Not if you’re ovulating.”

“You know what I mean.”

“It all sounds odd and unfair. Conversely, I can’t F anything out of you, can I?”

“I guess not. Well, a baby, but that’s a delayed reaction.”

“Horrors.”

“I guess some women ejaculate, so it is possible.”

“Great. Next time I’ll warm you up by saying I’m going to F the milky white pussy snot out of you.”

“Lovely.”

Quiet lovemaking is what I long for: no words—just moans, grunts, and sighs. I’ll give a pass to directions. We could all use those. Future bedmates, take all the liberties you want with “To the left, right, harder, softer, faster, slower, and kindly get the F off my hair.” Please don’t F anything out of me. Please don’t refer to me as Papi or Daddy and don’t refer to yourself as a bad girl, slut, ’ho, or a dirty anything. Keep it clean!

___k

I’m conservative at times. Yes, I’m a liberal skeptic. I’m writing about between the sheets. Sex to me feels fine without the addition of some things that I frankly find humorous, awkward, or downright painful. I’m not alone on this island. Ask your man if he wants his balls nibbled. Go ahead; I’ll wait. See?

Here’s a recent lovemaking session:

“Yes … yes … ___k my pussy.”

My mind goes to work. (It runs on propane. Beware of fumes.)

Wow, that could be one of a variety of things.

• Fuck
• Lick
• Like
• Kick (nope, scratch that one)
• Poke
• Flick
• Stick
• Rock
• Ask
• Dick

The problem is thoughts don’t traverse my waxy brain matter as quickly as they used to. I can’t see well enough to read her lips and I can’t hear well enough to figure out what she wants. Then logic kicks in. Logic, while refined near fifty, still ain’t right because I’m still male.

Ah, I got it. Her pussy is getting slightly dry because of all of the great sex I’m giving her so she wants me to go down on her and “lick” her pussy. I can do that.

Ten seconds later, she’s grabbing me by the ears, pulling me from the chilly ocean. Now, I’m quite miffed. Either she did not mean “lick” or I really suck at eating pussy. I can’t possibly suck so much that she won’t give me a minute, for Meg Ryan’s sake. It must be something else.

Shit. I can’t think about this too much or I’m going to wind up stuffing a spring snake into a can. (Those of you not nearly as ancient as I am will not get the analogy because you did not grow up with what was quite possibly the greatest prank of all time: the coiled snake in a can. Google that shit.)

Obviously, she just wants me to fuck her pussy. Duh. I can do that. In fact, I can get nasty talkie while I do it too.

“Yeah baby. I’m fucking your pussy.”
“Yes, yes. ___k my pussy.”
“I am.”
“Do you?”
“Huh?”
“___k my pussy?”
“I am!”

Oh, shit. Now what? Jesus. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Can’t people just fuck quietly? I don’t mind some moaning and pleadings toward imaginary deities. These kinky words leave me speechless. I suck at it. Isn’t there a book available with ready-made terms, which I can memorize and deploy as required? I have a Kindle, damn it, and I will buy that fucking eBook mid-stroke.

“Do you want me to lick your pussy?”
“No.”
“Baby, tell me what you want.”
“___k my pussy.”
“Can I buy a vowel?”
“What?”
“Honey, I can’t figure out what you’re saying. I’m sorry.”
“LIKE, you ass. I’m asking if you LIKE my pussy. In other words, tell me how much you like my pussy, which will boost my esteem and get me much closer to orgasm.”
“Like? Heck, I LOVE your pussy.”
“Well, that’s nice, but when I have to explain it to you, it takes away from the moment. You know?”
“Shit.”
Yep. Hand me the remote.