Sorry, my dear, that is never a turn-on.

Bukkake (pronounced boo cock key) is either a Japanese method of serving an assortment of noodles or a facial, so to speak. I am admittedly a twisted, demented, and crass person, who befriends savages because they amuse the pee out of me. I'm desensitized to people like me or nicer. I need to be around beasts. My pal, Ronnie, needs some major therapy because he loves the bukkake.

"Dude, nobody--not a single woman on this planet--likes having a load blasted into her face."
"I know. It's the married ones."
"How did I know you were going to twist that?"
"What?"
"Single or married--none of them likes it. In fact, it's probably one of the biggest turn-offs."
"How do you know?"
"Because I talk to women, as opposed to spraying them like driveway dirt."
"Whatever. I get off on it."
"OK, I'm putting on my therapist's hat now. You have some issue where you feel the need to demean women."
"I don't think it's demeaning."
"A woman kneeling in front of you with goo dripping from her eyebrows and nose isn't imagining she's a princess about to be whisked away in a horse-drawn chariot."
"I usually keep a towel handy. It isn't like she needs to walk around with her eyes pasted shut."
"What do you get out of it?"
"I'm not sure. I just love it."
"So you purposely withdrawal and launch semen soup onto the poor unsuspecting woman's face?"
"Yep."
"Why don't they duck?"
"Good question. Maybe they enjoy it."
"Not possible. I think they're momentarily stunned by your cock Taser."

I've had some errant goo fly and it can be comical, especially when it creates a rope bridge across her lovely locks. It must be accidental, however; or it's completely bizarre. Man goo can land on sheets, pillows, carpets, counters, and apparel, but nothing from chin to forehead. If your man is into this sort of thing, I suggest you put an immediate end to it. Here's Dr. Phil's suggested treatment:

• Make a nice dinner, complete with fancy linens and china.
• Flirt, tease, and giggle during dinner.
• For dessert, heat up some tapioca pudding; lukewarm is best.
• Sit on his lap and tell him to close his eyes because you want to feed him.
• Ask him to open his mouth.
• Make motorboat or airplane noises as you loop a heaping tablespoon toward his mouth.
• Splash him between the eyes with it.
• Laugh, grab your iPhone, take a picture, and email it to his mother.
• Enjoy many goo-free nights henceforth.

If it doesn't work, take the pudding, leave the boy.