Conversation Starters for Strangers

We've all been placed into that awkward situation where we meet new people and need to strike up a conversation to convince them we aren't catatonic. Depending on the role this new person plays, you need to alter your strategy. I've included a handy guide, which you should save to your phone and deploy the next time you're introduced to a stranger, suffer the silence, and are tempted to deploy that game-ender, "I got nothing."

If the new person is a mating option, topics include:

• What's your favorite (proceed in this order, please) mixed drink, dessert, movie, book, pet, vacation destination, lubricant, vibrator, sex position, morning after pill, and taxicab service?
• Are you sleepy/menstruating/ovulating/spermulating?
• Are you here with your spouse?
• Have you recently parted thigh for any of my acquaintances?
• Do you work out?

If the stranger is a parent of the mating option:

• What brought you to this country?
• Was your daughter/son a problem child?
• Were there any forms of physical torture deployed during your child's upbringing?
• Have you tried the knish here? I'm sorry. Do you know what a knish, ish? (Tee, hee.)
• Say, are you on Facebook?

If the stranger is the ex of a mating option:

• Is there anything I should know? Seriously. Why are you smirking?
• How large is your penis/vagina?
• Are you on any prescription medication?
• You look familiar. Did you pull me over last week?
• No hard feelings, right?

If the stranger is an unattractive friend of a mating option:

• Rough night?
• Who drove?
• What do you think of my buddy? Can you manage to become sufficiently interested in him/her to avoid cock-blocking me all night?
• I bet you can't chug this entire Long Island Iced Tea. Wow! OK, double or nothing?
• I'd totally be hitting on you, but you're too cute for me.

If the stranger is a coworker of a mating option:

• In your opinion, who's the office slutbag?
• Has your friend told you about how awesome I am in the sack?
• You look so familiar. Did I see you in a Tostitos commercial?
• Do you ever look at porn on your office computer? Know any good sites featuring Ukrainian women and summer squash?
• Are you hiring? Hell no, not for me; my roommate has been freeloading.

See that? Isn't it better than standing there smiling and scratching your butt while trying to come up with something as your mating option wanders off to the restroom? You're welcome.