A. Business Name - The Nice Guy's Frustrating Hunt for a Human Bed Warmer (an infertile one with boobs, preferably)
B. Address - Upstairs in bed with a laptop, reading glasses, and fur balls left behind by two annoying felines.
C. Method of Accounting - Other, introversion causes wallet to open regularly.
D. Fiscal Year - 2011
- Extension Requested - Sometimes, but those women are greedy.
Part I - Income
- Hair Pulls - worthless.
- Toothbrushes - worthless.
- Various Facial Creams - well, a few more creases in my face and maybe.
- Fancy Soaps and Shampoos - you don't want to know how I'll use them.
- Loofahs - for scraping bug guts from Jeep.
- Kitchen Utensils and Containers - relegated to cat food duty.
- Wine - recycled: will bring to next woman's house.
- Clothing Advice - worthless and ignored.
- Romantic Comedy DVDs - beer coasters.
- Earrings - cat toys.
Part II - Expenses
- Online Dating - why do I never learn and keep fucking doing this?
- Drinks - alcohol abuse, if you ask me.
- Dinners - amazing anything gets inhaled while so many words are exhaled.
- Movie Tickets - so brutal that I need to sneak a flask into the theater.
- Vasectomy - the best $800 ever spent.
- Acqua di Gio Cologne - two spritzes on chest, one on nay-nay.
- Gym Membership - due to caloric intake increases from wine, dessert, and lattes.
- Gas - that's all right, I'd rather drive unless she has a tank and a helmet for me.
- Writing Time Lost - from answering numerous inane Facebook and text messages.
- Sanity - major loss as I futilely attempt to figure out what she wants.
- Sleep - she breathes funny and moans, which would be fine if it included my name instead of her ex's.
- Hotel Room Upgrades - my room requires a bed, shower, and toilet; hers requires comfort.
- Cold Toes - I usually sleep with socks on, but she made fun of me.
- Laundry - sheets and towels laced with love goo.
- T-shirts, Boxers, Hoodies, etc. - borrowed means donated.
Part III - Net Income
- Really? Are you serious? What income? If I could find a way to make money from dating, I'd run for president.