What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Tips for filing your dating returns.

I usually begin my tax return preparation as far in advance as I do Christmas shopping. A visible deadline adds enough pressure for me to excel. As I filled in all those zeros and minus signs, I wondered what my return would look like if I tallied all of my dating adventures. See if yours is similar.

A. Business Name - The Nice Guy's Frustrating Hunt for a Human Bed Warmer (an infertile one with boobs, preferably)

B. Address - Upstairs in bed with a laptop, reading glasses, and fur balls left behind by two annoying felines.

C. Method of Accounting - Other, introversion causes wallet to open regularly.

D. Fiscal Year - 2011
  1. Extension Requested - Sometimes, but those women are greedy.

Part I - Income
  1. Hair Pulls - worthless.
  2. Toothbrushes - worthless.
  3. Various Facial Creams - well, a few more creases in my face and maybe.
  4. Fancy Soaps and Shampoos - you don't want to know how I'll use them.
  5. Loofahs - for scraping bug guts from Jeep.
  6. Kitchen Utensils and Containers - relegated to cat food duty.
  7. Wine - recycled: will bring to next woman's house.
  8. Clothing Advice - worthless and ignored.
  9. Romantic Comedy DVDs - beer coasters.
  10. Earrings - cat toys.

Part II - Expenses
  1. Online Dating - why do I never learn and keep fucking doing this?
  2. Drinks - alcohol abuse, if you ask me.
  3. Dinners - amazing anything gets inhaled while so many words are exhaled.
  4. Movie Tickets - so brutal that I need to sneak a flask into the theater.
  5. Vasectomy - the best $800 ever spent.
  6. Acqua di Gio Cologne - two spritzes on chest, one on nay-nay.
  7. Gym Membership - due to caloric intake increases from wine, dessert, and lattes.
  8. Gas - that's all right, I'd rather drive unless she has a tank and a helmet for me.
  9. Writing Time Lost - from answering numerous inane Facebook and text messages.
  10. Sanity - major loss as I futilely attempt to figure out what she wants.
  11. Sleep - she breathes funny and moans, which would be fine if it included my name instead of her ex's.
  12. Hotel Room Upgrades - my room requires a bed, shower, and toilet; hers requires comfort.
  13. Cold Toes - I usually sleep with socks on, but she made fun of me.
  14. Laundry - sheets and towels laced with love goo.
  15. T-shirts, Boxers, Hoodies, etc. - borrowed means donated.

Part III - Net Income
  1. Really? Are you serious? What income? If I could find a way to make money from dating, I'd run for president.


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