For example, I know some bored patrons who sit bar-side and amuse themselves by attempting to tie a maraschino cherry stem into a knot without using their fingers. A talented tongue is appreciated, yet I feel this activity is pointless. The thought of a woman's tongue bouncing around my molars is disturbing and, no, I don't want my penis tied in a knot.
However, I have developed a similar skill, which came in handy before my recent snippage. There were occasions when my little friend, Willy, left the party without his raincoat. This is a foolish and dangerous thing to do, depending on the season. Once I realized what Willy had done, it was time for me to retrieve the sheath while ensuring nothing fell from the pockets during extraction--a delicate and precarious chore. Yet, as some ladies are expert stem knotters, I am an expert condom knotter. In a matter of seconds I am able to (without using my thumb, I might add) dig, twist, loop, pull, and remove my potential child-support payments.
Now, you may be thinking, how on earth did Uncle Phil develop said skill. I'll tell you. When I was single, I didn't waste time playing paddle-ball. Instead, I scooted on down to CVS and picked up a pack of balloons, Ivory liquid, and six cans of jellied cranberry sauce. The exercise includes the following steps:
- squirt Ivory into the balloon (one ounce should suffice),
- remove the cranberry lid,
- stuff the balloon into the sauce can loaded-end first,
- push the balloon toward the bottom of the can using needle nose pliers,
- put a towel down on your bed,
- place the can on its side between two pillows on the towel,
- hold your left hand behind your back,
- without cutting yourself, dig in with three fingers using a swirling motion until your middle one finds the object,
- true, the can will move around making it more difficult, but this is a significant obstacle as it's unlikely the actual vagina will sleep through the process,
- with your middle finger, hold the balloon shut approximately one inch from the opening,
- use your other two fingers to loop the balloon and recall a childhood shoe-tying poem* while you seal the end,
- remove it slowly, keeping your face clear of the extraction in case there's recoil,
- dance around the bedroom like you recovered a fumble,
- spike the balloon into the toilet bowl,
Now, wasn't that a more effective use of your time than tossing playing cards into a derby?
*Here's one you can use:
Build a tee pee
Close it tight so we can hide
Over the mountain
And around we go
Here's my arrow
And here's my bow!