I'm confused, lost, exhausted, and happily so. Still, I need to dig into her past and understand the root of her fetishes. Is this love?
I spend hours the following day Googling her name with assorted hockey terms. She was born in Canada. That explains her odd last name. Sure, Canadians love hockey, but this woman is obsessed. There must be something. I climb her family tree looking for clues. All I find is an uncle of hers whose name is on the Stanley Cup. Hmm.
As I go to learn more about this uncle a direct message pops up on my Twitter feed.
BPlastique: Check your bedside table. Initial, sign, and bring it to me in room 4301 at the downtown Hyatt tonight at 8pm.
Oh, Jesus. My bedside table is nothing that should be witnessed by anyone--old condoms, lotions, ugly watches, and my secret (no longer) weapon: the Fukuoku Pink Left Hand Five Finger Vibrating Massage Glove. I open the drawer slowly and find a document entitled "Rules of Sexual Engagement." It lists ten clauses and is signed in blood red at the bottom by Beatrice Plastique. What the ...?
As I read her rules I feel myself becoming slightly aroused. This disturbs me. I'm no submissive. Then I realize she has sprayed her luscious Chanel scent on the paper. I'm tempted to sexually relieve myself, but resist because this woman demands stamina. The rules convince me she truly is from Venus.
Rules of Sexual Engagement
- Mormon Silver (henceforth referred to as "Uncle M") agrees to bring Beatrice Plastique (henceforth referred to as "Lovergirl") to orgasm daily until the Stanley Cup is hoisted by the 2012 champions.
- On each day, if Uncle M brings Lovergirl to orgasm more than three times, he'll receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
- Uncle M agrees to allow Lovergirl to shave his testicles.
- Uncle M will refrain from masturbating, eating buffalo wings, and watching NBA games.
- Uncle M will provide ejaculate, urine, saliva, and blood samples within 24 hours.
- Uncle M will not make love (yes, that includes blow jobs) to any other women.
- Uncle M will not discuss with anyone his sexual relationship with Lovergirl.
- Uncle M will answer every text message sent by Lovergirl within five minutes or he agrees to be tied to a bed face-down and lashed with a leather belt once for each minute late.
- Uncle M will discard his Fukuoku glove, buy a new one (in black, please), and bring it with him--sealed in its original packing--to the agreement signing meeting.
- Lovergirl will give up the ass to Uncle M.
The ass?! Oh my god, her luscious ass! I can hardly contain myself as my erection tears at my boxers. I resist, but why? I can't agree to her silly rules. This is crazy. If I want to beat off, I'll beat off. I'm a grown man. How would she know anyway?
As I grab my waistband and release my throbbing monster, my phone beeps.
Bea Plastique: Don't you do it.
(other things to come)