What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, February 13, 2012

Words to use between the sheets.

Are you a bedroom introvert or extrovert? I'm referring to verbal skills as opposed to oral or physical ones. If your partner is tossing a variety of compliments your way you can't lie there without reciprocating--unless you have a mouthful. You can be proactive by using lines before your partner does and score points for originality. This is important, people, pay attention! Look how haywire things can go if you're unprepared.

"Oh my God."
"Yes."
"That's right, Baby."
"Mmm."
"I love your penis."
"Me too."
"Huh?"
"I mean I love your ... um ... insides?"
"Yes, yes, give it to me."
"I'm giving it to you."
"Fuck. Oh, yes."
"Yes."
"It feels so good."
"I know."
"God, you make me so wet."
"You make me so wet with your ... wetness."

"CUT!"

Where's the originality? Where's the sincere appreciation within the verbal volley? They'd both enjoy it more if he were mute. In his defense, I need to ration my blood between brain and love muscle, so witty retorts aren't always easy to come by. One needs to tread lightly on the freaky fringes as to not cause offense. 
  • Some women don't mind being fucked like a dirty little schoolgirl and others will react by undocking and leaving him dangling.
  • If you ask, "You like that, don't you?" there's always a chance your partner will say, "No, not really, now that you mention it."
  • "Who's your daddy?" never works. Never!
  • Even if she actually works in such capacity, it's probably not a good idea to refer to her as a ho.

What's inevitable is one of the lovers will say something to the tune of "You're so hot." You can't respond with, "No, you are." Here are your choices:
  • "You're so sexy."
  • "You have an amazing body."
  • "I love the way you feel."
  • "I wish I could spend the entire night inside you."
  • "Did you catch the score of the Suns game?"

4 comments:

  1. OMG... "UNDOCKING???" LOL I am laughing so hard it hurts! Does anyone actually say "I love your penis?" I would think if dirty talk was going on there would be way more creative monikers being tossed out.

    I think you should put an addendum to this post--directed to the men in the house. Dirty talk is great for foreplay too! And for goodness' sake, guys, don't ask for a BJ by saying "Do you think you might be willing to give me oral sex?" in the heat of the moment. TOTALLY UNSEXY.

    You always make me laugh! Loved this, as usual.

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  2. You are writing this near Valentine's Day? I think you better go for the third cat!

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  3. "undocking" I'm gonna remember that.

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  4. Yep. I just about spit water out on my laptop when I read the term "undocking". haha!

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