What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

She hates me, she hates me not, she hates me.


There’s no kind way to let a prospect know she’s no longer a prospect without expecting to find your car keyed or burning poop on your stoop. We all need to stop taking things so personally instead of banging out text after unanswered text.

I’ve numbed myself sufficiently and I’ve also set an unanswered contact limit to two. After that, I assume she’s not interested or incapacitated (and I won’t delve into which one I prefer; let that one stew in my imagination).

The progression of the unanswered contacts usually goes like this:
  • I miss you. When are we going to get together again?
  • Hi, Sexy.
  • Hey, how’s it going?
  • Just thinking about you.
  • Is your phone working?
  • Hello?
  • ???
  • Really? You’re blowing me off?
  • You have some nerve.
  • I was never really into you anyway.
  • You suck.
  • I’ve been turned down by uglier people.
  • I’ve already moved on to the next man. I’m done with boys so lose my number.
  • Your loss.
  • Sorry.
  • I was tipsy when I sent those. Please accept my apology.
  • Hello?
  • I hate you.

There’s simply no way for the recipient of this avalanche of nonsense to respond, other than to hire bodyguards and adopt a large dog. You’ve convinced this person that you have major issues you need to work out and unless the recipient is going to be paid to help (e.g. your therapist), your contacts will be disregarded. Isn’t it ironic too that the person who follows this progression typically has a stalker ex as well?

Men, you need to be extra careful about this. Do not try to intimidate or guilt any woman into intimacy. There’s no reason to frighten anyone. Remember that anything you send can and will be used against you. Tell her you love her. Tell her you miss her. Tell her to have a nice life. Move on.

My buddies enjoy my angst when I run into a jilted ex.

“Holy shit, dude. What did you do to her?”
“Nothing, damn it. I just stopped calling her.”
“She’s right; you’re an asshole.”
“What? Because of radio silence?”
“Women need closure. You know that. Christ, you write about it.”
“And I also write about how I am the coward who will avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs. That’s why we’re leaving.”
“Don’t be a pussy too.”
“She might be crazy enough to make a scene. I’m not taking any chances. There’s plenty of wine in fairer pastures.”
“Eventually you’ll have exes in every bar. Then what?”
“Yoga.”
“Right.”
“Book clubs?”
“Ha!”
“Mall benches?”
“Soon, old man.”
“Fuck. I’m going to stay home and watch movies.”
“Good plan. Oh, and I’d lock the doors.”
“Nice.”

To every ex I’ve ever left, “I’m sorry! Yes, it was you. You didn’t meet my unrealistic expectations. Land Rovers don’t meet my expectations either and they get over it. So should you. Fine. At least leave me alone to disappoint another.”

8 comments:

  1. I don't act like that, and I totally have a stalker ex. The two things can be mutually exclusive.

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  2. Gee, you're a worse breaker-upper than I am. Well, that time I left the country and had my sister send the text was pretty bad but I eliminated all possibilities of stalking on foot, at least.

    I'm gonna do better. :-)

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  3. I would love to get drunk and not have sex with you. That is a compliment. Sone sex is just an entertaining alternative to the tedium of conversation, hence my bisexual 20's. You sir, are never boring.

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  4. I hate obsessed exes too. I can't help being this desirable, just like they can't help being pathetic, needy losers.

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  5. Had my ex call my buddy looking for me. But because im a man she called me the stalker. Hell I faked my death so she would leave me alone. Seems to have worked. So far......

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  6. Being out of the market for 20+ yrs - this cracks me up! I'm glad I don't have to deal w/all this drama! (Now I just hope I haven't jinxed myself in some horrible way!) LOL Keep up the good work!

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  7. Oh how I miss dating.

    Wait, that's a total lie.

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