Gifts men prefer to man-gagement rings.

This is a disturbing trend that needs to stop now. Your man does NOT want to receive a man-gagement ring this Christmas. Nope. No how. All right, I’ll give you one teeny exception: If it’s a Green Bay Packers World Champions ring, he may extend his left ring finger.

You don’t need to mark your territory, cookiepuss. Men have all mastered the holstering of the vagina repellant. I know of a man who is talented enough to remove his wedding ring without using his right hand. (It’s like that cute trick you do with the cherry stem.) He dunks his left hand into his pants pocket and thumb-flicks that circle of strife away to join the lint. Suddenly, the vaginas aren’t so timid.

What the heck would a man-gagement ring look like anyway? It’s stupid. Wait. If you can find one that doubles as a beer bottle opener, I’ll consider it. On second thought, I’ll suffer through twist-offs or use my car door’s latch. Rings on men often signal that the hiney is open for business; mine isn’t.

Alt+Tab over to Amazon and check out the top gifts for men. Do you see any fucking rings there? No, you don’t. How about a watch, pooh-bear? Men love watches. You can consider it a man-gagement watch, if it makes you feel better. Have something mushy engraved under the face. He’ll be touched, fer reals.

Here are some other gifts, which no man wants:

• Pajamas
• Ties
• Tools (We must select our own or they are useless.)
• Cufflinks (Who wears cufflinks? You’re not dating James Freaking Bond.)
• Memberships
• Underwear
• Tickets to a play, opera, or show other than a rock concert, which he can attend with a buddy instead of a disgusted woman who will text the entire time and complain about the noise levels
• A Volvo
• Books about the female orgasm (useful, no doubt, but insensitive)
• Salsa lessons

No ring, damn you! How about a cute little rope bracelet? Undershirts are useful. Ah, here we go: Have you considered a scarf? Go ahead, buy me a fucking scarf. It can even be pink or lavender. I don’t care. I could use a belt. No, not a rope belt. NO RING. Actually, there are numerous items men will appreciate and proudly use instead of hiding:

• Universal remote
• Sex
• Scotch (18-year, please)
• Starbucks gift cards (*swoon*)
• Wireless mouse
• Bacon
• Poker chips
• Headphones (Noise-cancelling ones, and don’t take it personally. Shush!)
• Sex (Repetition breeds success.)
• Any Blu-ray DVD movie that features lots of shit blowing up and cars going fast.

If you drop to a knee in front of me, pull a jewelry box from your pocket, and ask me to marry you, here’s what will happen: I’ll say “That depends,” and unzip my pants.