I’ll be fat for Christmas.

This is not the month to practice restraint. Baby carrots? Cottage cheese? Michelob Ultra? What? Not when there are bowls of these devilish delights called Pretzel M&Ms around. Why should we deprive ourselves? How much irreparable damage can we do in two, short weeks anyway? This will lead up perfectly to our New Year’s resolution. If we don’t pack pounds on now, the success of our resolution will be hard to measure.

Here are some goodies we need to seek and hoard, especially when fat Uncle Tommy is hovering near the buffet:

• Cream cheese and salami roll-ups – These can easily be stacked like Jenga blocks and devoured.
• Deviled eggs – Sprinkle some extra paprika on them and deliver an nasty egg burp to make your niece giggle.
• Pot stickers – Who cares what’s inside? Dunk them in duck sauce and down the hatch!
• Candy – This is why you have pockets. Make sure the coast is clear and load away. Left pockets are for jellybeans and right pockets are for chocolate. I’d avoid the nonpareils or you’ll be finding melted sugar dots in your slacks.
• Sandwiches made from cheese cubes and Doritos – Throw in some ranch dressing for fun.
• Artichoke dip – When fragile pita is foolishly served by an inconsiderate host, grab a spoon. Shovel in a lump of dip and then bite a stale pita crisp. Mission accomplished.
• Meatballs – Wait a minute. Are you wearing white? Hm. OK, do not bite the meatball or you’re going to be wearing it. Shove the entire burger pop into your mouth. For added flavor, roll the tasty ball in red pepper flakes or parmesan.
• Assorted Liquors – Nothing you drink at a party should be sans alcohol unless you’re pregnant. I suggest adding Bailey’s to your coffee. It’s more fun than creamer and only a few million calories.
• Olives – Any host who serves plain olives is uncultured. Olives must be stuffed, and not just with boring pimentos. Pack them with bleu cheese, garlic, and anchovies. Don’t you dare wrinkle that nose, young lady. Anchovies are seafood, which even Dr. Oz says is good for you.
• Pigs-in-a-Blanket – These take various forms depending which coast you are on. Halupkis (stuffed cabbage) are my favorite and I highly recommend them with a side of Beano.

Skip the gym, Sugarcookie. These two weeks of indulgences are your rewards for the goodies you passed up all year. As you perform your bedtime tooth-brushing, admire your handy work in the mirror and be proud of those jiggles. If you have a bed warmer, that fucker had better be on the same program or you’ll need to kick his vinaigrette-eating ass to the curb. I have little patience for skinny pricks during the holidays.

Now, mangia!