What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Begging the question and you must ask it.


This is your duty. If you shirk this responsibility, you contribute to humanity’s absurdity. When you see something obviously seeking attention, you must ask the silly question it desires. Also, you must ask this question with a hint of sarcasm—not too much or you’ll spoil the fun.

For example, I needed some drinking dollars the other day so I drove to the ATM. While I was waiting in line, a tennis pro drove up in a white convertible Lamborghini. She did three laps around the bank before parking (crooked, I might add) in a space adjacent to my black scrap worth less than one-tenth of her beast.

I had to ask, “Does your car go fast?”

She looked at me, semi-confused. I maintained a straight face. I watched her fancy wheels turn as her expression changed with her thoughts:
  • Is he retarded?
  • Maybe he likes cars.
  • Ew, this creepy freak is going to ask me for a ride.
  • This could be some asinine attempt to hit on me.
  • He might be autistic.
  • Oh, shit. He just grinned. He’s totally fucking with me.

She played along and answered, “Yes, very fast.”

I was borderline mean and borderline kind; it all depends on how she took it. I was either suggesting she’s an attention whore or delivering the compliment she sought.

When you’re watching life’s circus today, look for opportunities to use this method. Here are some obvious ones:
  1. When you see a woman walking two or more dogs, ask her, “Dogs are so much easier to care for than men, aren’t they?”
  2. If someone has lost a lot of weight and they insist on preaching about it, ask, “Is it AIDS, cancer, or are you counting carbs?”
  3. When you approach a professional athlete who is signing autographs, ask, “Do you work here?”
  4. After a stripper delivers a wonderful lap dance, say, “I bet you have lots of sex, huh?”
  5. While attending a sporting event next to an obnoxious fan wearing a team jersey, ask, “What position do you play?”
  6. When you’re at one of those fancy brewpubs with dozens of taps behind the bar, ask the bartender if she knows of any good bars around that serve beer.
  7. If an extra-large man in a medium T-shirt is nearby, ask, “Do you work out?”
  8. When a mother/daughter combo is seated at the bar, ask the daughter, “Is this your sister? Wow. She should start wearing sunscreen.”
  9. When someone wants you to guess her age and is proud because you guessed too low, say, “Wow, where do you get your Botox?”
  10. If a Persian dude parks in front of the bar and repeatedly checks his Maserati, unless he’s armed, ask, “I bet that car gets you loads of pussy, doesn’t it?”
  11. Ask any tall dude, “Can you dunk?”
  12. When a cougar has thick, luscious hair, ask, “Does that thing strapped to the back of your head bite?”
  13. When a woman’s cleavage is inappropriate for the function, ask, “Where’d you get those?”
  14. If Susie has just made her twentieth Facebook status post of the day, comment, “Are you bored, lonely, or starting to realize how insignificant you are?”
  15. When a man sends you a topless or (horrors!) bottomless photo, ask, “Do you mind if I share this with my therapist?”
  16. Ask any tiny chick, “Have you ever actually spun on a penis?”
  17. Ask any tiny fellow, “What do you do to make up for your petite stature?”
  18. When you see a grocery checkout clerk in his forties, ask, “How’s that real estate license working out for you?”
  19. When a man parks in front of the bar in his Harley and revs the engine before killing it, ask, “Couldn’t afford a Corvette?”
  20. If a man in a paisley button-down, wearing square tipped shoes offers to buy you a drink, ask, “Do you subscribe to Details or GQ? Where’s your boyfriend?”

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