How to be sarcastic without taking a beating.

The best remarks are those that cause slight confusion. The receiver shouldn't be able to distinguish if the remarks are heartfelt or ass-delivered. When you become an expert at sarcasm you can deliver barbs easily disguised when too stinging. Your "no" could mean maybe or yes, even. It depends.

Am I confusing you? Gee, I'm sorry. No, I don't think you're clueless at all. In fact, I find you exceptional.


Step one in sarcasm training is quite simple, yet crucial. Upon awakening, take your bowl of porridge to the family room and turn on the morning news. Pretend the anchors are speaking directly to you. You must answer every statement they make with two words.

"Today, Mitt Romney defended his position on taxing the rich."
Did he?
"There's congestion on the ten this morning."
Is there?
"Gas prices reached an all-time high."
Did they?
"You should visit our Facebook page and like us."
Should I?
"I'll be right back with the five-day forecast."
Will ya?

Avoid using the classic phrase, "You don't say," as that one went out a few decades ago along with those pants you're wearing ... but they look really good on you.

Advanced sarcasticians have mastered the silent remark. For example, the next time you're handed a thin paper cup with steaming coffee, the barista will probably say, "Would you like a sleeve for your cup?" Now, this low-career-ambition having mother fucker knows quite well that the cup paper is just slightly thicker than public restroom toilet seat covering, and you will definitely burn the shit out of your mitts if you say no. Don't say no. Don't say yes. Stare the eyebrow-pierced, tattooed dodo in her vapid eyes, clench your lips into a tiny grin, tilt your head five degrees to the left, and blink twice. She'll get the message and hand you a sleeve.

Practice your sarcasm on first dates that you're confident will be last dates--things I'm all too familiar with. What's that? Oh, you've found your soul mate? Have you? You haven't had many horrible first dates because you never stooped to the depths of online dating? Our loss. OK, I can tell you have a vivid imagination by your hair coloring, so use it.

"It says on your profile that you're an author."
"Does it?"
"Have you written anything I might have read?"
"Well, that depends. Do you read anything other than masturbatory chick lit?"
"I don't read chick lit."
"Don't ya?"
"No."
"Do you at least masturbate? You should."
"Eh-hem. Where would I come across one of your books?"
"In the back seat of my Jeep. Perhaps I could come across your ass while you thumb through one."
"What?"
"Oh, I kid. Actually, I've never had sex in my Jeep."
"Haven't you?"
"Hey, that sounded sarcastic."
"Did it?"

Begging the question and you must ask it.

This is your duty. If you shirk this responsibility, you contribute to humanity’s absurdity. When you see something obviously seeking attention, you must ask the silly question it desires. Also, you must ask this question with a hint of sarcasm—not too much or you’ll spoil the fun.

For example, I needed some drinking dollars the other day so I drove to the ATM. While I was waiting in line, a tennis pro drove up in a white convertible Lamborghini. She did three laps around the bank before parking (crooked, I might add) in a space adjacent to my black scrap worth less than one-tenth of her beast.

I had to ask, “Does your car go fast?”

She looked at me, semi-confused. I maintained a straight face. I watched her fancy wheels turn as her expression changed with her thoughts:

• Is he retarded?
• Maybe he likes cars.
• Ew, this creepy freak is going to ask me for a ride.
• This could be some asinine attempt to hit on me.
• He might be autistic.
• Oh, shit. He just grinned. He’s totally fucking with me.

She played along and answered, “Yes, very fast.”

I was borderline mean and borderline kind; it all depends on how she took it. I was either suggesting she’s an attention whore or delivering the compliment she sought.

When you’re watching life’s circus today, look for opportunities to use this method. Here are some obvious ones:

1. When you see a woman walking two or more dogs, ask her, “Dogs are so much easier to care for than men, aren’t they?”
2. If someone has lost a lot of weight and they insist on preaching about it, ask, “Is it AIDS, cancer, or are you counting carbs?”
3. When you approach a professional athlete who is signing autographs, ask, “Do you work here?”
4. After a stripper delivers a wonderful lap dance, say, “I bet you have lots of sex, huh?”
5. While attending a sporting event next to an obnoxious fan wearing a team jersey, ask, “What position do you play?”
6. When you’re at one of those fancy brewpubs with dozens of taps behind the bar, ask the bartender if she knows of any good bars around that serve beer.
7. If an extra-large man in a medium T-shirt is nearby, ask, “Do you work out?”
8. When a mother/daughter combo is seated at the bar, ask the daughter, “Is this your sister? Wow. She should start wearing sunscreen.”
9. When someone wants you to guess her age and is proud because you guessed too low, say, “Wow, where do you get your Botox?”
10. If a Persian dude parks in front of the bar and repeatedly checks his Maserati, unless he’s armed, ask, “I bet that car gets you loads of pussy, doesn’t it?”
11. Ask any tall dude, “Can you dunk?”
12. When a cougar has thick, luscious hair, ask, “Does that thing strapped to the back of your head bite?”
13. When a woman’s cleavage is inappropriate for the function, ask, “Where’d you get those?”
14. If Susie has just made her twentieth Facebook status post of the day, comment, “Are you bored, lonely, or starting to realize how insignificant you are?”
15. When a man sends you a topless or (horrors!) bottomless photo, ask, “Do you mind if I share this with my therapist?”
16. Ask any tiny chick, “Have you ever actually spun on a penis?”
17. Ask any tiny fellow, “What do you do to make up for your petite stature?”
18. When you see a grocery checkout clerk in his forties, ask, “How’s that real estate license working out for you?”
19. When a man parks in front of the bar in his Harley and revs the engine before killing it, ask, “Couldn’t afford a Corvette?”
20. If a man in a paisley button-down, wearing square tipped shoes offers to buy you a drink, ask, “Do you subscribe to Details or GQ? Where’s your boyfriend?”