What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The End Hurts

When the relationship ends, sometimes there’s closure and sometimes there’s uncertainty. I’ve found my preference depends upon how much I enjoyed the relationship. If it was tedious and stressful, I don’t mind unanswered pokes. If I fell for her and she’s gone, I need answers. How am I to improve without feedback? Depending on her reason for leaving me lonely, there could be collateral ego damage causing me to limp toward my next victim.

Insignificant ego damage occurs when the reason is:
  • I’m moving.
  • I can’t fight it any longer—I’m gay.
  • I’m pregnant with my ex’s child.
  • I’m in prison.
  • You’re too short, old, or hairy for me.
  • Our religious beliefs, political affiliation, or values don’t mesh.
  • We don’t enjoy the same things.
  • I need to be pregnant like yesterday and you’re not helping.
  • Work is too demanding right now. I don’t have time for a relationship.
  • There’s no way we could ever live together.
  • My parents threatened to cut me from the will if I continued dating you.
  • You won’t commit so I’m off to find someone who will.
  • My pets/children/parents/friends hate your pets/children/parents/friends.
Moderate ego damage comes from reasons like:
  • I got back together with an ex.
  • You won’t let me get freaky in bed.
  • I never was that attracted to you. Sorry. I tried.
  • We both knew this would never work.
  • It was fun while it lasted—more so toward the beginning, though.
  • Look, I was drunk. That’s why I slept with you. I can’t justify it by continuing this charade.
  • I can’t keep a mate right now because it’s summertime.
  • You need etiquette training.
  • [crickets], de-friending, and finding your overnight stuff in a bag on your porch.
  • This text message: “Please lose my number.”
Severe ego damage is caused by the following reasons:
  • Your penis is too small (or vagina is too large).
  • You’re stupid—really fucking stupid. How did you get past eighth grade?
  • Superior options have presented themselves.
  • I’m sleeping with my boss/therapist/gardener.
  • You need a complete wardrobe and personality overhaul.
  • The clitoris is toward the top, Pokey.
  • My friends have finally gotten through to me. You’re a loser.
  • You probably shouldn’t have introduced me to your sexy friend/uncle/neighbor.
  • Thank you for being my slump-breaker. Goodbye now.
  • You’ve obviously been letting yourself go so I might as well let you go too.
In case of severe ego damage, your best bet is to get right back into the game, blur your vision with bourbon, and aim a little lower. Your misery is sure to have company in most watering holes. Avoid the urge to sit in front of the TV hugging your pet and Häagen-Dazs® too tightly while watching movies that make you feel unworthy. Put on some fresh threads, think happy thoughts, and help repair the ego of the fellow jilted patron on the neighboring bar stool.

Distraction hastens healing.

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