Your Post-Breakup Guide

Aw, babycakes, I’m sorry. Wipe that mascara, blow your nose, and prepare yourself to find your next ex. I can’t have you sitting on the bench feeling miserable. That’s a waste of some fine booty right there. You’re denying mankind access to one of Nature’s finest gifts.

First things first: You need to write a nasty letter to that heartless prick. He’ll never see it, but writing it will make you feel much better. Open your email program, put your own address in the “To:” field, enter a subject (“Letter to the Fucktard” works), and begin typing. Let it all out, sweetness. Here are some excellent ideas for phrases to use:

• Pencil dick
• Don’t deserve
• Asshat
• Never really liked you anyway
• Wash your sheets, for Christ’s sake
• Must have been drunk
• I was faking it … yes, every time
• Slob
• Manscaping
• I’ll miss your dog more than you
• You’re not getting it back—it was a gift
• Waste of time
• My friends warned me
• You might be gay
• It is so not sexy
• Children play video games
• Your car is also gay
• Brut, really?
• I hope your acorn penis grows fungus and falls off
• Your breath is fouler than raw sewage
• Get over yourself
• I don’t even care
• I’m going to the cock parade

You feel much better already, don’t you? Go get your nails, face, and hair did. Toss in a spray tan. I think it’s time for a new outfit. Yes. Do it. I’m thinking something black and strappy. Go make room in your closet immediately.

What’s that? You just found one of his shirts? Oh, my. Well, please allow me to suggest you use it for the following:

• Collect your Labrador’s lawn loafs
• Clean the toilet rims he spotted
• Kindling
• Write on it in bright red lipstick, “This belongs to a dick waffle who should never see another vagina as long as he lives,” and leave it on his windshield
• Duct tape it to your driveway and make sure two wheels hit it every time you pull in or out
• Wear it while Mr. Next pounds the pussy snot out of you
• Give it to an ultra-smelly homeless dude
• Dust your house with it
• Enter it in your company’s white elephant exchange
• Take it to the shooting range and make lots of holes

I can see that smile returning, champ. You’re almost ready to reenter the game. Now, think: Does he have any almost-as-cute-as-he-is friends? There must be at least one. Perfect. You need to blow him. I know, I know. Look, sometimes you need to take one (in the throat) for the team. Make sure it’s a legendary, toe-curling, back-spasming blowjob, the likes of which has only been experienced by immortals and movie stars. Oh, one more thing: Don’t let anyone see you do it, but make sure you forward the text message this lucky fellow will send you to the ex. It will probably read something like, “OMG, I think I love you. I have such a happy penis right now. What was [insert asshole’s name] thinking letting you go?”

Now, you’re ready. Go get ’em, tigress!

The End Hurts

When the relationship ends, sometimes there’s closure and sometimes there’s uncertainty. I’ve found my preference depends upon how much I enjoyed the relationship. If it was tedious and stressful, I don’t mind unanswered pokes. If I fell for her and she’s gone, I need answers. How am I to improve without feedback? Depending on her reason for leaving me lonely, there could be collateral ego damage causing me to limp toward my next victim.

Insignificant ego damage occurs when the reason is:

• I’m moving.
• I can’t fight it any longer—I’m gay.
• I’m pregnant with my ex’s child.
• I’m in prison.
• You’re too short, old, or hairy for me.
• Our religious beliefs, political affiliation, or values don’t mesh.
• We don’t enjoy the same things.
• I need to be pregnant like yesterday and you’re not helping.
• Work is too demanding right now. I don’t have time for a relationship.
• There’s no way we could ever live together.
• My parents threatened to cut me from the will if I continued dating you.
• You won’t commit so I’m off to find someone who will.
• My pets/children/parents/friends hate your pets/children/parents/friends.

Moderate ego damage comes from reasons like:

• I got back together with an ex.
• You won’t let me get freaky in bed.
• I never was that attracted to you. Sorry. I tried.
• We both knew this would never work.
• It was fun while it lasted—more so toward the beginning, though.
• Look, I was drunk. That’s why I slept with you. I can’t justify it by continuing this charade.
• I can’t keep a mate right now because it’s summertime.
• You need etiquette training.
• [crickets], de-friending, and finding your overnight stuff in a bag on your porch.
• This text message: “Please lose my number.”

Severe ego damage is caused by the following reasons:

• Your penis is too small (or vagina is too large).
• You’re stupid—really fucking stupid. How did you get past eighth grade?
• Superior options have presented themselves.
• I’m sleeping with my boss/therapist/gardener.
• You need a complete wardrobe and personality overhaul.
• The clitoris is toward the top, Pokey.
• My friends have finally gotten through to me. You’re a loser.
• You probably shouldn’t have introduced me to your sexy friend/uncle/neighbor.
• Thank you for being my slump-breaker. Goodbye now.
• You’ve obviously been letting yourself go so I might as well let you go too.

In case of severe ego damage, your best bet is to get right back into the game, blur your vision with bourbon, and aim a little lower. Your misery is sure to have company in most watering holes. Avoid the urge to sit in front of the TV hugging your pet and Häagen-Dazs® too tightly while watching movies that make you feel unworthy. Put on some fresh threads, think happy thoughts, and help repair the ego of the fellow jilted patron on the neighboring bar stool.

Distraction hastens healing.