Meet Me

PlentyOfFish has this “Meet Me” capability where the site cycles through a list of matches with their headlines and a few pictures. There are three choices: Yes, Maybe, and No. I’d love to be the atypical male who reads every headline and views every photo before deciding. I’m not. I am a shallow monkey.

I had my assistant, Symon, collect my reactions as I went through over one hundred of these “matches” today.

• Argh! That close up is way too close.
• Really? Sparklers and fishnets. Interesting … dangerous … and nope.
• I get it: you’re outdoor-sy. Nobody looks good with a canteen strapped to her.
• Head tilting isn’t helping. What’s wrong with your neck(s)?
• Ah, the hand under chin pose. Cute … when you’re in grade school.
• A picture of you (cute), Santa (odd), and your dog (stupid).
• I see. Your legs extended at the beach from your head’s perspective. Unoriginal.
• Are you surprised or is that the Botox looking?
• You’re firing a gun? Oh, that’s attractive.
• You’re in a picture with two German Sheppards and zero boyfriends for two reasons.
• When you resemble a female impersonator it’s time for a makeover unless you are one and, in that case, this is hilarious.
• Horses, bulldogs, children, and a selfish prick who sees them all as stressful as he clicks “No.”
• Motorcycles give me the impression that you have hairy legs and a penis.
• I love the sexy pose in a sundress on the beach. The Zima next to you tells me I’ll need a Delorean to avoid disappointment.
• Woah, what’s she doing here? She’s “Looking for Mr. Amazing” and right now I’m Mr. Amazed.
• … and right back down to earth I land with “Fun Girl” pictures featuring a duck face and tongue sticking out. Shoot me.
• Here’s a tip: If you post a photo of you and three girlfriends, make sure you’re not the ugliest one.
• I’m allergic to poodles but your exposed breasts may heal me.
• 37? Really? Twenty years ago, maybe.
• Ah, a cute woman holding two alcoholic beverages. She’s a keeper.
• When I look at your picture, all I can hear you saying is, “Why you go out so much?”
• Please stop with the self-portraits taken in a mirror with your own cell phone. It shows that you have no friends. For that matter, so do pictures from the camera on top of your computer monitor.
• If you’re spooning your Rottweiler, I’m not touching it or you.
• Show me one person who looks good in a bike helmet.
• Hey, you look familiar. Oh, shit! DELETE.
• Fortunately, for you, dark-skinned males gravitate to these free dating sites. I’m only dark on the inside.
• Hey, a yoga chick. That could be fun.
• Aw, what a cute little dog (and no dates) you have.
• Ack! I accidentally clicked “Yes.” Shit!
• What the hell is that thing on your cheek? You’d better invest in Photoshop.
• I get it, already. You’re popular. You met Kid Rock. Well, I met Captain Morgan last night and he reminded me that Kid Rock is a talentless boob.

Symon agrees: It’s hopeless. Dating sites are not designed for bitter old me.