What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Right Answer


Beaten, I mean married men know when to listen quietly, answer truthfully, leave out some facts, and change the subject. They are experts at conflict avoidance. These are important skills to learn if marriage prospects would like to retain access to their favorite place to be.

I thought about it this morning as I watched Fox 5 News, hosted by married—not to each other—male (Raoul) and female (Shally) anchors. They were recapping last night’s Dancing With The Stars finale (By the way, why is this fucking newsworthy?) and Shally tossed up a volley.

“Aw, doesn’t Kirstie Alley look fantastic?”

My hero, Raoul, responded in a brilliant way, like a downtrodden, I mean happily married man should respond:

 “Yes. [Beat.] In other news …”

How many of my female readers interpret his answer to mean he agrees with Shally? All of you minus a few grammatical sticklers. Tsk, tsk.

A closer look at Shally’s statement shows that she technically asked if Kirstie does NOT look fantastic. (Seriously, people, she doesn’t ... OK, unless you are comparing her to herself fifty pounds ago or a lump of curb vomit.) Anyway, Raoul’s response of “yes” means he agrees with Shally’s statement and is therefore not delivering the compliment Shally and most female viewers/readers assume. Clever.

I realize I’m not married anymore, and may be considered out-of-practice. Hogwash. I don’t need to be married to know how to respond any more than I need to be enrolled in algebra classes to calculate gratuity. (Interestingly enough, most of my dates have no idea how to calculate gratuity. I can understand 18%, but 20% is pretty fucking simple. I suspect I am being taken or dating dolts.)

When I sense a trap in a woman’s question, I take evasive action. Certain answers will certainly cause a closing of the thighs, at minimum. For example:

1.      Do I need to do something about this chip in my windshield?
a.       Yes. (Foolish.)
b.      If you don’t, it will get worse and possibly result in the windshield needing replacement. (Solving—also foolish.)
c.       Switch cars with me tomorrow. I’ll take care of it. (Applause.)

2.      My friend Gina is getting on my nerves the way she always hits on young boys.
a.       Then why do you hang out with her? (Foolish.)
b.      Yeah, what a hosebag. (Bad idea.)
c.       I can see how that can be annoying. (High-five.)

3.      I don’t know why, but I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately.
a.       Zzzzz. (Foolish.)
b.      I hear sperm is good for that. (Understandable and quite possibly true, but futile.)
c.       I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help? (Nice.)

4.      Gosh, John Mayer is so talented, isn’t he?
a.       I’d rather stick my cock in a meat grinder than listen to another one of his breathy ballads. (Affirmative, but …)
b.      Are you deaf? Here … listen to this Pearl Jam track. (Eddie will appreciate it; she won’t.)
c.       Yes. (Well done, Daniel-san.)

5.      I can’t believe she’s wearing that top. It doesn’t leave anything to the imagination.
a.       I’m sorry, what did you say? (Grab a pillow and blanket when you get home.)
b.      Don’t be hating just because your tits are southbound. (Better duck.)
c.       No kidding. (Ding!)

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