What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, May 16, 2011

Misdeeds Explained

In defense of men, I shall explain why we can be annoying as squeaky floorboards. It’s not that we intentionally annoy; we often are unaware of the offense or the gravity thereof. Occasionally, we’ll weigh the inconvenience of behaving against the toleration of nagging, whining, and the I-just-smelled-the-grossest-fart-ever face.
  1.  Checking out other women. There needs to be an addendum to this crime: … who are more attractive than I am. I’m rarely lectured for staring at an old woman in skorts, a “big” girl in stretch pants, or a server with arm cellulite. Look, unless watching a fifty-yard field goal attempt in overtime, I’m easily distracted. Men are constantly on the lookout for prey (and butt crack), even when we’re well fed. I do agree there’s a big difference between glances and gapes. Creepers who stare deserve a few nights on the sofa or darker lenses.
  2.  Leaving dirty dishes around. That’s just laziness. I’m sure you’ve heard the excuse, “I might want to use it again instead of dirtying another one.” Lame. There’s no defending this one. Make him use paper plates and plastic utensils until he learns.
  3. Peeing on the toilet seat. Men rarely pee directly on the seat, unless it is the middle-of-the-night tinkle, which must be done in the dark in order to limit sleep loss. Pee sometimes splashes onto the seat. The offense is not giving the rim a quick once-around with a square of TP to remove the evidence. How egregious the foul is depends on which method the man uses to whip out his hose. The lazy way (guilty) is to lift the left leg of underwear with right hand and pee through the leg hole. This causes a slight leftward cock bend and the likelihood of errant spray. Another method is pulling down the waistband above the unit, tucking it under the balls, and arcing away. Depending on the size and turgidity of said wiener, this indeed may cause an overshoot and spotted seat. I don’t know why underwear companies bother making an access through a front flap, as it’s rarely used for anything but ventilation. Perhaps I’ll invent Pen-X (similar to Rain-X), which will keep pee from sticking to the surface.
  4. Farting. Every being that has an ass, farts. It’s natural. Consider the sound of a fart as a signal to applaud and head upwind. Think of all the fun games that have been created because of the fart: pull my finger, the ignart (ignited fart), and the Dutch oven. One way to stop your man from farting (aside from weaning him off Budweiser) is to begin tooting your own hiney horn. He’ll be traumatized and beg your forgiveness.
  5. Not listening. Men learn to tune out distractions while out in the wild. This includes using the “Ignore” button on the phone, agreeing with you while daydreaming about boinking the barista, and entering a vegetative state during dinner, reality TV, and family visits. The best way to avoid this is to either leave him text messages (modern day sticky notes), or remove your shirt before reminding him of his chore. Remember, telling him that he never listens is ineffective because he’s not listening.

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