What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hiring Babes

Why is it that most HR staffers are overweight, unattractive women? (Oh boy, I’ll probably be visited by my local employee-manual-toting rhino when she sees this.) I’m just observing and reporting. Don’t shoot the chubby-chaser-away-er.

For one thing, whether men admit it or not, they’d rather hire hotties than notties. Corporate women, however, will typically only hire women who are less attractive than they are. Men want the office decorated with lovely kittens. Women want the office decorated with crayon-drawn greeting cards, not competition.

Not convinced? Pop up in your cubicle farm and look around. See?

When I was in the position to hire people, I certainly leaned toward attractive women. If you are an attractive woman reading this, your response is, “Of course, you did.” If you’re butt ugly, you’ll probably dislike me for what I contend is a genetic flaw. I took into consideration how likely the new hire would eventually cost me my job, sanity, or a new payroll deduction entitled “Alimony.” I found the best options to be subordinates who were engaged, annoying to listen to, or lesbians.

If I were a woman, I would use my looks to my advantage. I also would not be offended when I succeeded. Play to the man’s weakness. It’s a jungle out there and survival of the firmest calves. A woman lands a mate (provider) by dolling up and attracting him. Now that pay scales are approaching gender equality, a woman must consider her bosses as providers too.

I witnessed this phenomenon last week at my usual wine station. I am an eavesdropping expert. A local law firm sent a fine specimen to lure a dashing young man to join them. She was late-twenties, wore a fashionable suit with just enough exposure, and a fine coat of spray tan and eye dressing. He was from the new breed of Twilight boys, with high hair, pale skin, and a lanky build.

She employed every tactic in the book. She constantly played with and tossed her hair. She crossed her legs with her outside leg toward him. She playfully touched his shoulder and the back of his hand. She flashed her Whitestrip whites and laughed hardily at every clever comment he made.

I sat there (vicariously seduced) and imagined how the scene would have unfolded if she were replaced by Bea Arthur. (Yes, I realize she’s dead. You can use your imagination too.) She would have gotten some points for motherly reminiscence and humor, but the recruit wouldn’t have been so swayed.

I’m not sure how successful the bait was, but I lauded her efforts.

So, I guess the moral is to be aware that no matter how unfair it is, people will judge you and be manipulated by your looks. Lose some weight, get your hair did, your teeth lightened, your skin darkened, those spots lasered, and your wardrobe updated. Play the game to win, ladies. Have your way with us. Don’t complain about childlike beasts; feed them candy.

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