What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Blame it on the Dame

It’s becoming apparent that woman was created for man to have someone aside from his little brother and the dog to blame for his actions. The discussion back in that garden between the Big Guy in the sky and his son probably went differently than we assume, because there was no Perez Hilton to report on it.

BG (holding an empty milk container in kitchen): “Now look what you did.”
Adam: “Wasn’t me.”
BG: “Really? So you weren’t the last one to use the milk?”
Adam: “Did you ask the caribou? He’s always in the fridge and I’ve seen him drink straight from the carton.”
BG: “What about the cereal bowl on the counter above the dishwasher?”
Adam: “The cat?”
BG: “It has a spoon in it. Cats can’t hold spoons.”
Adam: “Oh, that bowl. I was going to use it again.”
BG: “… and would it kill you to fetch a fresh roll of toilet paper when you finish one?”
Adam: “I thought we were out.”
BG: “Ugh. What am I going to do with you?”
Adam: “If you create a playmate for me, I’ll have someone to keep me out of trouble.”
BG: “Hm.”

So, the Big Guy bonked Adam over the head with a stone, reached up his ass, pulled out a bone, coated it in soft skin, and added a few lovely bumps. He decided to call her Eve because Steve is a silly name for a woman. (Actually, he came up with the name because he made her at nighttime.) BG gave Eve the rundown explaining how he “had it up to here” with Adam’s shenanigans and it was her duty to use her mighty vagina to make him behave.

BG: “Yo, pinhead, wakey wakey.”
Adam: “Ouch, my noggin’. Hey, what’s that?”
Eve: “I am woman; hear me roar.”
Adam: “Woah, holy shit! Does it bite?”
BG: “She’s just playing with you. Go give her a sniff. She’s harmless.”

Adam timidly approached her and checked her out. Eve took his hand and winked, signaling she was fine with the exam. (BG made her drink a few cosmos before waking Adam.) Adam felt her hair, sniffed her neck, and noticed squishy things on her chest.

Eve: “Easy there, Tiger. They’re not bike horns.”
Adam: “Sorry. Hey, Pop, you forgot something.”
BG: “What?”
Adam: “She’s missing her … umm … you know.”
BG: “It’s there, just tinier.”
Adam: “Ah, ha ha ha! You have a thimble dick. Nya nya!”
Eve (to BG): “Really? This is what I’m going to have to put up with?”
BG: “My girl, the first thing you need to realize is the vagina is mightier than the sword.”
Eve: “Good point. Here, Adam, give me your finger. How does that feel?”
Adam: “Oh … my …”
BG: “Please don’t say it. I gotta go. This is getting creepy. Good luck with him.”

The plan worked out for everyone. Adam was distracted by his new playmate who learned how to lead him around to his chores by dangling her fun parts. Eve took care of the discipline and punishment BG was so tired of meting out. Adam had someone to blame for his misbehavior.

Adam: “It’s all her fault. She drives me to drink with all of her wavering between ‘come here’ and ‘go away.’ She asks why I never touch her and then when I try she complains that’s all I want from her. I have ten percent of closet space left, I’m constantly heading to the market for yogurt and toilet paper, and she won’t let me watch hockey.”
BG: “Fine. I’ll take her away.”
Adam: “Noooooo! I’m just venting.”
BG: “Well, what do you want from me?”
Adam: “OK, how about this: create some backup women for me.”
BG: “All right. (This is so not going to solve the problem, but it will amuse the hell out of me.)”

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