A man's guide to pain versus pleasure.

Some men are getting the wrong ideas from the Fifty Shades books. Best you clarify things with your man before he raises welts. In the odd chance you don't feel comfortable giving him explicit guidelines (because he may pinch you for being bossy), you can direct him to this guide and hope he absorbs useful tidbits.

Men, your women want you to be the man in the sense that you have freedom to be sexually aggressive within reason. Such reason is established exclusively by the woman, which means it's rarely consistent with what other women find stimulating. Use common sense, and when in doubt simply ask her. If her response is a knee to the groin, take that as a no, not a maybe.

Let's try a few examples:

• Joe is pounding away at Gladys missionary-style. Joe decides to muscle up with an aggresive maneuver: He withdrawals, flips Gladys over, and reinserts himself--second hole from the top, in this example. True or False: Would this be reasonable sexual aggression, likely to result in Gladys' enjoyment combined with, perhaps, some bragging to her book club. TRUE.
• Frank is lying on his back with arms behind his head, enjoying Lisa's grindage. Frank allows Lisa to do all the work, similar to how he treats household chores. Frank decides to attempt a difficult maneuver by saying to Lisa--and I quote--"That's right, you take every inch you dirty little come-bucket of a maid." Reasonable? FALSE, and it may result in having his testicles slapped.
• Alison is cooking dinner when Bob wanders into the kitchen to obtain beer number four. As she bends over to check the roast, Bob allows his instincts to take over. He raises her dress, drops her panties, and plows into her as the heat from the stove makes the scene resemble sauna sex. Hot? TRUE, as long a Bob does not dump the beer over her head when finished as if he won the World Series.
• Mike has Helen pinned face-down, burying himself deep while holding her wrists together behind her back. Helen's face is buried in a pillow, and she's mumbling something indiscernible, which Mike assumes are muffled terms of endearment. Mike decides to take it up a notch by licking his right thumb and then burying it knuckle-deep in her fart box. Helen stops making noises. This is a good sign? FALSE. Helen is calculating when her last dump was and she's probably going to shove an entire fist up Mike's ass next time she blows him.
• While doggying the pussysnot out of Joyce, Jack removes the belt from his jeans, straps it around her waist, and uses it like handlebars on a carnival ride. Then, he decides to get all rodeo on her ass as he turns his left hand under the belt, releases his right hand, and hoots and hollers "yee, ha" while smacking her on her rump. Fun for her? TRUE, just refrain from spitting any tobacco juice on your hands first.
• Leo blindfolds his wife, Rita, and ties her to the bed. She suggested their sex life needed some spice, so he's all in. Leo decides it would be fun to stuff various household items into her vagina, and see if she can guess what they are. Every right guess gets her a Starbucks gift card. Every wrong guess gets him a beej. Rita will appreciate this: True or False? IT DEPENDS. If the household items include sterile items such as marbles, food, and soap on a rope, he may survive it. If they include utensils, baseball bats, or re-bar, probably not.

Basically, men, if what you do to her will leave little evidence that you've done it (such as welts, scars, stains, and bald spots), you're probably safe. Otherwise, wait until one of your buddies tries (oh his woman, not yours) before attempting.

How to be a little rough in the sack.

I’ve finished the informative book, Just F*ck Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom (A Guide for Couples) by Eve Kingsley. I must admit I feel slightly bruised and dirty. Ah, I kid. It is an interesting book with many concepts foreign to a nice guy like me.

Eve makes sure the goofy apemen who read her book are clear about the distinction between being aggressive in a stimulating way and causing injury. To a certain point, that’s subjective. The main lesson is there must be clear lines of communication and frequent feedback. Obviously, there’s a big difference between a rape fantasy and rape.

Nobody said this would be easy.

1. Spanking – In the odd situation where I spank (more like tap) a lover, I find myself reflexively raising my guard in case she wheels around and clocks me in the choppers. Eve recommends the spank be sandwiched by caressing. All right, but that never prevents my girlish squeal when I receive a shot (not the tasty kind served with a lime).

2. Pinning Her Arms Down – Men, when you’re on top, grab both her wrists and pin them behind her head. Make sure your legs are inside hers or you may take a knee to the jobbers. I also like to add in neck nibbling, unless she’s wearing a wool scarf; it’s itchy.

3. Dirty Talk – I work with too many words to enjoy this without giggling or correcting her grammar. I don’t like being called names, other than “The Luscious Italian Tripod.” For some odd reason, there are women who don’t mind (or rather enjoy) being called one of more the following during intercourse:
a. Slut
b. Whore (or ’Ho in certain parts)
c. Dirty
d. Naughty
e. Slave
f. Servant
g. Filthy
h. Mommy
i. Bad
j. Evil

4. Kamimaze Sex – OK, I made this name up. Chicks get tingly when they see that stairwell quick-bang in the movie Unfaithful. This is one time when the man isn’t penalized for unloading in under a minute. When she least expects it and still wants it (good luck figuring that one out), shove her up against the wall/staircase, yank down her bottoms, and grind her into the drywall/carpet. You’ll probably cause some brush burns, so have Neosporin handy. NOTE: Please don’t do this at the office, daycare center, or in my kitchen.

5. Role Playing – Grown people do this? Really? Not just on Halloween? Reality has a way of obscuring fantasy and ruining the fun for me. Hey, whatever gets your blood pooling. You can play master/servant, maid/butler, coach/player (except in central Pennsylvania), quarterback/cheerleader, priest/confessor, officer/criminal, prom king/prom queen, or bar slut/bar player. Ooh, how about this one: author/reader? Saucy!

Could your love life use some freshening? Bring home lotions, toys, and liquor; mix in a little kink; and postpone your mate’s consideration of trading your boring ass in for a pug, hobby, or more open-minded lover.

The Rougher Sex

Never tried it; don't have to; won't like it. I understand that some people enjoy oysters, soccer, and Nancy Grace, but I can't find anything good about rough sex. Sure, it depends on exactly how rough, but I'm a puppy compared with some of the animals my female friends have dated.

A petite friend was telling me about her latest man who definitely got off on tossing her 5'2" frame around. She said he left bruises on her numerous times. I was shocked.

"I bruise easily."

"That's fucked up. Seriously."

"Why?"

"A bruise is an injury, you nut. No man is entitled to leave marks except when peeing in the snow."

"I like it rough. I had to ask him to calm down a bit because the bruises were showing when I wore my summer outfits. They're difficult to explain."

"What was this animal doing to you?"

"You know--the average stuff."

"Nothing is average about leaving a lovemaking session with bruises. Perhaps a little neck rash or toe cramp would be ordinary, but bruises? No way."

"You've never had a woman leave any marks on you?"

"They only hurt on the inside."

"Stop it. Some lover must have scratched your back at least."

"Come to think of it, I did have this PYT bite my face once when we were getting into it on my La-Z-Boy."

"There you go. That's hot."

"Is not. I grabbed her by the throat and said, 'Hey, no biting.'"

"I bet that turned her on further."

"Indeed. She was harder to train not to bite than my cats were. I had to splash hydrogen peroxide on my face afterward."

"I like it when my man flips me around and dominates me. His hunger is sexy. You never spanked a woman? Bit her neck or nipples firmly? Threw her onto the bed and ripped down her panties?"

"Um, no."

"Jeez, you're missing out there, Pussycat."

"Guess I've been domesticated."

She went on to describe how he would bite her shoulder and slam her hard when he was on top of her. Then he'd flip her over onto her belly and sometimes plow the dirt road. Ew.

I think there's a deep seeded condition involved on both ends of this nonsense. He probably was whipped repeatedly by his overbearing father and she has been so numbed by ordinary sex, she needs a physical struggle to get off. Whatever it is, it isn't normal. I accidentally have banged incisors, was kneed in the pecker, and had a pinky stuck in a lover's earring loop, but I've never left marks. If a lover asked me to do something kinky like that I'd have to tap out.

Gentle love should be sufficient. Candlelight, soft sheets, lots of pillows, and tiny pinches are all it takes. OK, maybe a feather and some fuzzy cuffs. No biting, bruising, or scratching is required. How about a tiny pat on the cheek of the buttocks? No harm there.

"How do you feel about other kinky stuff?"

"Like?"

"Um, how about spitting?"

"Gross, not kinky."

"Really?"

"Really. Now please untie me."

Kinks

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