Showing posts with label bdsm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bdsm. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

A man's guide to pain versus pleasure.

Some men are getting the wrong ideas from the Fifty Shades books. Best you clarify things with your man before he raises welts. In the odd chance you don't feel comfortable giving him explicit guidelines (because he may pinch you for being bossy), you can direct him to this guide and hope he absorbs useful tidbits.

Men, your women want you to be the man in the sense that you have freedom to be sexually aggressive within reason. Such reason is established exclusively by the woman, which means it's rarely consistent with what other women find stimulating. Use common sense, and when in doubt simply ask her. If her response is a knee to the groin, take that as a no, not a maybe.

Let's try a few examples:
  • Joe is pounding away at Gladys missionary-style. Joe decides to muscle up with an aggresive maneuver: He withdrawals, flips Gladys over, and reinserts himself--second hole from the top, in this example. True or False: Would this be reasonable sexual aggression, likely to result in Gladys' enjoyment combined with, perhaps, some bragging to her book club. TRUE.
  • Frank is lying on his back with arms behind his head, enjoying Lisa's grindage. Frank allows Lisa to do all the work, similar to how he treats household chores. Frank decides to attempt a difficult maneuver by saying to Lisa--and I quote--"That's right, you take every inch you dirty little come-bucket of a maid." Reasonable? FALSE, and it may result in having his testicles slapped.
  • Alison is cooking dinner when Bob wanders into the kitchen to obtain beer number four. As she bends over to check the roast, Bob allows his instincts to take over. He raises her dress, drops her panties, and plows into her as the heat from the stove makes the scene resemble sauna sex. Hot? TRUE, as long a Bob does not dump the beer over her head when finished as if he won the World Series.
  • Mike has Helen pinned face-down, burying himself deep while holding her wrists together behind her back. Helen's face is buried in a pillow, and she's mumbling something indiscernible, which Mike assumes are muffled terms of endearment. Mike decides to take it up a notch by licking his right thumb and then burying it knuckle-deep in her fart box. Helen stops making noises. This is a good sign? FALSE. Helen is calculating when her last dump was and she's probably going to shove an entire fist up Mike's ass next time she blows him.
  • While doggying the pussysnot out of Joyce, Jack removes the belt from his jeans, straps it around her waist, and uses it like handlebars on a carnival ride. Then, he decides to get all rodeo on her ass as he turns his left hand under the belt, releases his right hand, and hoots and hollers "yee, ha" while smacking her on her rump. Fun for her? TRUE, just refrain from spitting any tobacco juice on your hands first.
  • Leo blindfolds his wife, Rita, and ties her to the bed. She suggested their sex life needed some spice, so he's all in. Leo decides it would be fun to stuff various household items into her vagina, and see if she can guess what they are. Every right guess gets her a Starbucks gift card. Every wrong guess gets him a beej. Rita will appreciate this: True or False? IT DEPENDS. If the household items include sterile items such as marbles, food, and soap on a rope, he may survive it. If they include utensils, baseball bats, or re-bar, probably not.

Basically, men, if what you do to her will leave little evidence that you've done it (such as welts, scars, stains, and bald spots), you're probably safe. Otherwise, wait until one of your buddies tries (oh his woman, not yours) before attempting.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks - Chapter 1

My name is Mormon Silver, and women leave their marks on me. They distract me and drive me crazy; that causes chin frosting as well as my tendency to improperly separate colors from whites. I need to understand the effect they have, so I tweet a local billionairess, Beatrice Plastique.

@BPlastique, I'm enchanted by you and I'd love to interview you for my blog. #whynot

I never expected a reply. Then ...

@MormonSilver, I'm tied up at the moment, but I'll fit you in soon. #whysure

I bite my bottom lip and feel a twitch in my board shorts. She's only thirty-three whereas I'm in the late autumn of my life at fifty. Would I have an actual shot at the legend?

Her assistant called me and set up a late morning appointment. He asked me to arrive early since I would need to review and sign an NDA before meeting with the blond goddess. I hardly slept as I dreamed of sunset strolls on a Tahitian beach with Ms. Plastique on my arm. It could happen. Stay positive, Mormon.

The morning of that fateful day I scrubbed and trimmed a little extra, just in case. I ran through three spritzes of my secret weapon, Acqua di Gio, and then carefully selected black boxer briefs (one never knows), indigo jeans, a Hugo Boss black T-shirt, and my signature silver argyle socks. I trimmed my nails and applied Crest Whitestrips. Would she be kissing me?

When I arrive at her office in Rancho Santa Fe, her assistant greets me. He's chiseled with a full head of high hair and olive skin. He scans me head to shoe and sniffs. What a pretentious pufta.

"I love your jeans. Are they Nudie?"
"Oh, thank you. Yes, in fact they are."
"Spin for me, darling."
"Um ... OK."
"Wonderful. My name is Eric. I'm one of Ms. Plastique's personal assistants."
Fine, I misjudged him.
"Nice meeting you, Eric."

Eric hands me a sheet of paper entitled "Interview Non-Disclosure Agreement," and guides me to the waiting area.

"Please review this, initial each line, and sign at the bottom. Can I fetch you a chai tea latte?"

Wow, somebody did his homework; that's my third-favorite beverage right behind bourbon and a woman's love nectar.

"That would be awesome. Thank you."

The NDA is brief but it contains curious clauses.

  1. Interviewer will not look at interviewee's eyes, breasts, or feet unless directed by interviewee.
  2. Interviewer will allow interviewee to touch him as she pleases without disclosing it in his blog. Yes!
  3. Interviewer will answer honestly questions concerning his sexual stamina and history. Wait a minute, who's interviewing whom?
  4. Interviewee reserves the right to bathe interviewer and demand he wear the cologne and robe of her choice. Well, I am a dirty boy.
  5. Interviewee enjoys gentle hair pulling, neck nibbling, light spanking, nipple clamps, indirect clitoral pressure, and hockey playoffs. He shoots; he scores! Go Flyers!

I sign and nod to Eric. He picks up the phone, presumably checking with my princess, hangs up, and then smiles at me while pointing at her office door.

"Ms. Plastique will see you now. Please go right in."

I hand Eric the signed NDA.

"Actually, I need you to give that to Ms. Plastique."
"All right."

I tap once on the door and walk in, trying to avoid staring at the places she specified. I catch the scent of Chanel and then see her sitting behind a glass desk staring at her Mac. God, her hair is golden, her skin is glowing, and her square-rimmed glasses are so sexy. I must have her.

"Have a seat, Mr. Silver. I'll be right with you."
"Please call me Mormon," I insist as I extend the NDA and a hand to shake. She ignores my gesture and smirks.
"Sit down, Mormon ..."
I obey.
"... and take off your shoes."
I obey.
She peeks under her desk.
"Silver socks. Interesting."
"Thank you."

(to be continued)