What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Thursday, March 22, 2012

How to be sarcastic without taking a beating.

The best remarks are those that cause slight confusion. The receiver shouldn't be able to distinguish if the remarks are heartfelt or ass-delivered. When you become an expert at sarcasm you can deliver barbs easily disguised when too stinging. Your "no" could mean maybe or yes, even. It depends.

Am I confusing you? Gee, I'm sorry. No, I don't think you're clueless at all. In fact, I find you exceptional.


Step one in sarcasm training is quite simple, yet crucial. Upon awakening, take your bowl of porridge to the family room and turn on the morning news. Pretend the anchors are speaking directly to you. You must answer every statement they make with two words.

"Today, Mitt Romney defended his position on taxing the rich."
Did he?
"There's congestion on the ten this morning."
Is there?
"Gas prices reached an all-time high."
Did they?
"You should visit our Facebook page and like us."
Should I?
"I'll be right back with the five-day forecast."
Will ya?

Avoid using the classic phrase, "You don't say," as that one went out a few decades ago along with those pants you're wearing ... but they look really good on you.

Advanced sarcasticians have mastered the silent remark. For example, the next time you're handed a thin paper cup with steaming coffee, the barista will probably say, "Would you like a sleeve for your cup?" Now, this low-career-ambition having mother fucker knows quite well that the cup paper is just slightly thicker than public restroom toilet seat covering, and you will definitely burn the shit out of your mitts if you say no. Don't say no. Don't say yes. Stare the eyebrow-pierced, tattooed dodo in her vapid eyes, clench your lips into a tiny grin, tilt your head five degrees to the left, and blink twice. She'll get the message and hand you a sleeve.

Practice your sarcasm on first dates that you're confident will be last dates--things I'm all too familiar with. What's that? Oh, you've found your soul mate? Have you? You haven't had many horrible first dates because you never stooped to the depths of online dating? Our loss. OK, I can tell you have a vivid imagination by your hair coloring, so use it.

"It says on your profile that you're an author."
"Does it?"
"Have you written anything I might have read?"
"Well, that depends. Do you read anything other than masturbatory chick lit?"
"I don't read chick lit."
"Don't ya?"
"No."
"Do you at least masturbate? You should."
"Eh-hem. Where would I come across one of your books?"
"In the back seat of my Jeep. Perhaps I could come across your ass while you thumb through one."
"What?"
"Oh, I kid. Actually, I've never had sex in my Jeep."
"Haven't you?"
"Hey, that sounded sarcastic."
"Did it?"

6 comments:

  1. Amazing post. I am still laughing out loud.
    Nice observation sir. I am going to try to be sarcastic right away. If someone is not witty enough he has to resort to the lowest form of wit, right?

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  2. (shows a tiny grin, tilts head 5 degrees to the left, blinks twice) Good post.

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  3. Phil, you should turn this into a weekly column. Because, you sir, have mastered it. …….I have?

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  4. oh yes, the fine art of sarcasm, amazing that we have to teach it. i have found it helps to find the absurdity in myself, and mix up the ratio a bit. i might jab at myself three times, then a left hook at someone else once....this makes it a bit more acceptable. most of my stories are about the dysfunctional family that i have, which in a way lays the ground work for the barb. and yes, i am not being sexist ladies, so don't go there, however: alot of so called "chick lit" sarcasm is constant, and they don't poke at themselves enough, so it ends up sounding rather feministanazirant ... and then they get hate posts, and they wonder why.. so the mix is important to me, at least, to give me the street cred to poke fun at whoever i want, i guess i give the impression that i am balanced, in a warped and demented sort of way.

    you have one up on me. i can't use the f word, or any type of sexual stuff on my blog, and that sucks at times, so i have to get the message out in family speak..i don't know if that is a blessing or a curse? i guess it's something for another discussion. i DO like to compare blogs, and i love finding one on Blogspot, so easy to follow, and cross promote. one click..

    well, don't say i never stopped by and said hello. hello.

    Sir Samuel Zeus Clemons Tweets at @Samuel_Clemons

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  5. Ka-Snort! So brash, so funny, I'm howling. The cats think I'm nuts.

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