I walked into a bar and metaphor.

Figure A: Metaphorus Rex

By two in the morning she (see Figure A) was a nine. *Ba-dum-dump*

Isn't it fun to twist our language? My three favorites are analogies, similes, and metaphors. You may have forgotten the difference, so allow me to demonstrate.

If you're female and someone says having sex with you is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, that's a simile. The implication is that the hallway is large, when compared to the hotdog. Most women would take offense to this, because the man saying the quote is unlikely to be criticizing his own unsatisfying cocktail weenie (metaphor).

Other ways to convey the point using linguistic tricks to describe awful sex include, from the man's point of view:

• Going down on her is like bobbing for dead goldfish. - Analogy
• She holds the Grand Canyon between her thighs. - Metaphor
• Her breasts are like eggs over easy. - Simile

And, from the woman's:

• Having sex with him is fun as flossing but it doesn't take as long. - Analogy
• His penis is his third thumb. - Metaphor
• The face he makes when he orgasms is like a retarded pug taking a dump. - Simile

Perhaps some non-sexual examples will help drive my dull point (metaphor):

• Her ass runneth over her jeans. - Metaphor
• He's a hairy, giant infant with narcolepsy. - Metaphor
• Her Facebook updates are like chemistry class. - Simile
• His bathing suit is like a baby carrot hammock. - Simile
• Getting her to put down her phone is like taking an infant's blankie. - Analogy
• Kissing him is like getting hit in the face by a balloon filled with syrup. - Analogy

I now return you to your regular scheduled life hoping your day is like a Nutella brownie--wonderful.