What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What should you leave or take?

There's a famous scene (well, famous to most Italians) in The Godfather where Peter Clemenza says, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli." Peter obviously enjoyed his food and there was no blood spatter on the fine dessert, so I understand. When I leave my nest, I often run that thought through my mind as I decide what to leave and what to take.

For example, if you go to a bar that is foolish enough to serve Moscow Mules in a lovely brass cup, you're probably going to leave a tip and take the cup. The bar owner knows this, yet ginger spiked urine is all that is typically left.

When you visit a house party, what do you bring, leave, and take? If you're slick, you can manage to do your eco-best by bringing a nice bottle of wine, leaving a dirty wine glass, and taking home tomorrow's hangover. You might also take home:
  • An intoxicated woman with a certain itch,
  • A decorative spoon, as a souvenir,
  • A covered plate containing your next three meals,
  • Liquified shit because the host left the deviled eggs out too long,
  • Fun, blue pills you found in the master bath,
  • Unwelcome dog fur,
  • A refrigerator magnet since you can rarely buy just one,
  • Business cards for people who selfishly see house parties as prime opportunities to "network," which means begging you to give them money for something you don't want.

When you go to your office job, you should:
  • leave a mug, take the paper clips.
  • leave food you don't want to eat, take food other people left.
  • leave post-it note penises on pictures in neighboring cubicles, take the pictures of your homely pets and children back home.
  • leave an extra shirt in case you spill, take Splenda packets.
  • leave the coworker's vagina/penis, take yours.

When you stay in a hotel for business, you should:
  • leave a mess, take the maid's tip.
  • leave a sock (you're going to do it anyway), take some towels.
  • leave a stain on the comforter, take a Purell bath.
  • leave toothpaste dots on the mirror, take the cute little soap thingies.
  • leave someone else's neglected spouse, take your anonymous identity.

None of this requires a fancy derby or hungry Clemenza. Give and take wherever you go and keep the scales of visitation balanced.

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