What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, February 6, 2012

Sorry, my dear, that is never a turn-on.

Bukkake (pronounced boo cock key) is either a Japanese method of serving an assortment of noodles or a facial, so to speak. I am admittedly a twisted, demented, and crass person, who befriends savages because they amuse the pee out of me. I'm desensitized to people like me or nicer. I need to be around beasts. My pal, Ronnie, needs some major therapy because he loves the bukkake.

"Dude, nobody--not a single woman on this planet--likes having a load blasted into her face."
"I know. It's the married ones."
"How did I know you were going to twist that?"
"What?"
"Single or married--none of them likes it. In fact, it's probably one of the biggest turn-offs."
"How do you know?"
"Because I talk to women, as opposed to spraying them like driveway dirt."
"Whatever. I get off on it."
"OK, I'm putting on my therapist's hat now. You have some issue where you feel the need to demean women."
"I don't think it's demeaning."
"A woman kneeling in front of you with goo dripping from her eyebrows and nose isn't imagining she's a princess about to be whisked away in a horse-drawn chariot."
"I usually keep a towel handy. It isn't like she needs to walk around with her eyes pasted shut."
"What do you get out of it?"
"I'm not sure. I just love it."
"So you purposely withdrawal and launch semen soup onto the poor unsuspecting woman's face?"
"Yep."
"Why don't they duck?"
"Good question. Maybe they enjoy it."
"Not possible. I think they're momentarily stunned by your cock Taser."

I've had some errant goo fly and it can be comical, especially when it creates a rope bridge across her lovely locks. It must be accidental, however; or it's completely bizarre. Man goo can land on sheets, pillows, carpets, counters, and apparel, but nothing from chin to forehead. If your man is into this sort of thing, I suggest you put an immediate end to it. Here's Dr. Phil's suggested treatment:

  • Make a nice dinner, complete with fancy linens and china.
  • Flirt, tease, and giggle during dinner.
  • For dessert, heat up some tapioca pudding; lukewarm is best.
  • Sit on his lap and tell him to close his eyes because you want to feed him.
  • Ask him to open his mouth.
  • Make motorboat or airplane noises as you loop a heaping tablespoon toward his mouth.
  • Splash him between the eyes with it.
  • Laugh, grab your iPhone, take a picture, and email it to his mother.
  • Enjoy many goo-free nights henceforth.

If it doesn't work, take the pudding, leave the boy.

7 comments:

  1. OMG!! This totally made me laugh out loud!! I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that conversation...and by the way, I found it amusing that you didn't specify which speaker was yourself. Either way, I am excited to have my vocabulary bolstered by such juicy terms as "semen soup" and "cock Taser." This was fantastic. You made my night.

    Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood

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  2. Hilarious - and not entirely accurate, re: women's viewpoint. Very hot story in the 2011 Best Women's Erotica on the subject, if I recall correctly.

    Some men might not believe waking up with a face glazed like a doughnut is a good look or feel for them, either.

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  3. OMG, Hilarious, and in this woman's opinion, true. I'm newly single in San Diego, and am being reminded that is hell out there. :-/

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  4. So I was sitting at my desk hating the world this morning because my husband is being a big fucking pouty baby and I really need this laugh. So thanks! And I'll keep this in mind should I ever be single again.

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  5. Ha! I think the problem stems from porn videos. Many impressionable young men have probably started watching some sort of porn before they have even seen a real naked woman. This sort of activity is glorified in porn. Multiply that the # of flicks a fella watches growing up and you end up with a learned behavior. I remember a flick from when I was about 16 (it was a VHS video tape back then, not the instant steaming video available on the net today mind you...) There was this young lady in a locker room surrounded by about a dozen guys all waiting to sperm-paint her face- of which she gladly accepted and in many cases helped them to finish off the job with such a happy smiling face and moans and groans and screams of encouragement. Now I am not making an excuse basically just trying to think about a logical explanation for why the guy in the article (and probably a whole lot more than that) explains that he doesn't know why, but he loves to do this. Personally, while I may have fantasized about doing this to my DW, I've never actually done it or even suggested doing it. After 14 years of marriage she's still the princess I want to sweep off her feet - every single time I see her.

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  6. haha! this was laugh out loud funny! thanks! and if i'm ever in that situation.. i'll know how best to get my revenge. thanks!

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