Thursday, January 26, 2012

How to craft a rejection letter.

If you're female, you have many daily opportunities to refer to this guide. If you're male, you're probably going to begin hearing many of these excuses. I'd bet the average woman is propositioned three to four times daily, with most of solicitations originating from men who'd never get to touch anything beyond her oil filter. Pity, although at least women have options.

It's important to be kind. These men don't realize how repulsive they are. They assume that you got all dolled-up to attract their attention. (As if.) Be gentle. Help the monkey off his high horse without shoving him into a pile of manure. If his advances continue, all bets are off; nail his pecker to the floorboard.

So, the next time he comes a-calling, especially via text or email, try this:

Dear [insert name of not-cute-enough guy],

I'm [flattered/stunned/covering my mouth to prevent spewing my chardonnay] by your proposal. Ordinarily, I would enjoy having [coffee/dinner/sex] with you, but at this moment, I am:

[Insert all that apply.]
  • Married
  • Seeing someone
  • Not over my ex
  • Pregnant ... with twins
  • Swearing off penis
  • Looking for a job in Madrid
  • Not [thirsty/hungry/horny] enough
  • Concentrating on my [career/children/crossword puzzle]
  • Involved in a serious relationship with my Netflix queue
  • Not drunk enough to get past how unattractive you are
  • Caring for a sick [parent/child/vagina]
  • Working in the same building as you, which makes this extra-creepy
  • Half your age, Grandpop
  • Desperate, but not quite on my deathbed yet
  • Not looking for another pet to take care of
  • Plotting the extermination of all men with soul patches, hairy backs, and boat shoes
  • About to pass out from the scent of your Axe Body Spray
  • Considering adding your blood to my collection of victim slides
  • Speechless

I do appreciate your asking. That must have taken some [tequila/foolish pride]. I have [cute/horny/desperate] friends who might be interested. Can I set up you? Do you have any [cuter/blacker/richer] friends--not for me, of course--for my friends?

Here [hand him a bar napkin]. No, don't write on it. I thought you were tearing up. Sorry.

Anywho, this has been [lovely/awkward/disturbing]. You're such a [nice/super/not entirely hideous] guy. Have a wonderful day.

Yours [truly/unimpressed/hating life right now],

[Insert some woman's name, not yours.]


  1. I think I'm going to start using this, "Involved in a serious relationship with my Netflix queue" too funny!

  2. "Pregnant with twins." Unfortunately, if I said that to the one who's after me right now, I'm afraid he'd propose marriage.

  3. Interesting. I suspect a girl I tried to hook up with 2 years ago found some kind of a wormhole, jumped forward in time, grabbed this template, then went back to 2010 and crafted her own (very kind) rejection letter to me.

    Oh well. At the very least I have strong evidence for the existence of time travel. That's (almost) as good as sex*.

    *wait, no it's not. :(