It's important to be kind. These men don't realize how repulsive they are. They assume that you got all dolled-up to attract their attention. (As if.) Be gentle. Help the monkey off his high horse without shoving him into a pile of manure. If his advances continue, all bets are off; nail his pecker to the floorboard.
So, the next time he comes a-calling, especially via text or email, try this:
Dear [insert name of not-cute-enough guy],
I'm [flattered/stunned/covering my mouth to prevent spewing my chardonnay] by your proposal. Ordinarily, I would enjoy having [coffee/dinner/sex] with you, but at this moment, I am:
[Insert all that apply.]
- Seeing someone
- Not over my ex
- Pregnant ... with twins
- Swearing off penis
- Looking for a job in Madrid
- Not [thirsty/hungry/horny] enough
- Concentrating on my [career/children/crossword puzzle]
- Involved in a serious relationship with my Netflix queue
- Not drunk enough to get past how unattractive you are
- Caring for a sick [parent/child/vagina]
- Working in the same building as you, which makes this extra-creepy
- Half your age, Grandpop
- Desperate, but not quite on my deathbed yet
- Not looking for another pet to take care of
- Plotting the extermination of all men with soul patches, hairy backs, and boat shoes
- About to pass out from the scent of your Axe Body Spray
- Considering adding your blood to my collection of victim slides
I do appreciate your asking. That must have taken some [tequila/foolish pride]. I have [cute/horny/desperate] friends who might be interested. Can I set up you? Do you have any [cuter/blacker/richer] friends--not for me, of course--for my friends?
Here [hand him a bar napkin]. No, don't write on it. I thought you were tearing up. Sorry.
Anywho, this has been [lovely/awkward/disturbing]. You're such a [nice/super/not entirely hideous] guy. Have a wonderful day.
Yours [truly/unimpressed/hating life right now],
[Insert some woman's name, not yours.]