Her number comes with a time limit.

I see a cute woman at the wine bar. She glances my way, smiles, and waves. I zip through my rusty, internal hard-drive to evaluate the target.

• Someone I dated? Nope.
• Did I sleep with her? Nope.
• Coworker? Nope.
• Gym? Maybe.
• A friend's ex? Possibly.

Strategy: Warrants further investigation before attempting penetration.

"Hey, how are you?" I ask with hesitation on the last word, hoping she lends a hand.
"Kelly."
"Yes, that's what I thought it was. I'm so bad with names," and courtship.
"I met you a while back with your friend, Will."
"Yes, I remember." I really don't.
"It was kind of fucked up, what he did."
"I know." Not a clue. "He's a real shit. I only keep him as a friend so I can counsel his victims."
"Oh, so he told you?"
"Um, I think so." Oh, fuck.
"What did he tell you?"
"I'm sure your side of the story is more accurate." See me dance?
"Well, I gave him my number that night."
"Right."
"And, naturally, I didn't hear from him in the next few days, so I figured he wasn't interested."
"Ah."
"Then, two weeks later, he texts me around ten at night, obviously from a bar."
"Foul!"
"I know."
"What did he say?"
"He asked if I wanted to get together. I responded telling him to give me one good reason to go out with him."
"Did he?"
"No. He said, 'OK, never mind. Let's not waste each other's time.'"
"Yikes."
"Right? I'm sorry, but your friend is an asshole."
"Let me ask you this: If he would have responded differently, including an apology for not getting back to you sooner because he was busy with work, would you have gone out with him?"
"No."
"I see. So, you basically attempted to turn his rejection around, and it backfired into a second rejection for you."
"Men suck."
"I can't argue that, my dear. Next time don't encourage the sloth. Simply respond, 'Who is this?' You need to give the criminal sufficient length of rope to toss over the rafter and wrap around his neck."
"Fine. Then what?"
"When he responds, kick the stool out from under him by saying, 'Oh, hi. Honestly, I was pretty drunk the night we met and I only gave you my number because I felt sorry for you.'"
"Ouch."
"Don't worry. We're all well-schooled in the fine art of handling rejection. Here, I'll demonstrate: How'd you like to go home with me, and let me tie you up and give you a tongue bath?"

How to craft a rejection letter.

If you're female, you have many daily opportunities to refer to this guide. If you're male, you're probably going to begin hearing many of these excuses. I'd bet the average woman is propositioned three to four times daily, with most of solicitations originating from men who'd never get to touch anything beyond her oil filter. Pity, although at least women have options.

It's important to be kind. These men don't realize how repulsive they are. They assume that you got all dolled-up to attract their attention. (As if.) Be gentle. Help the monkey off his high horse without shoving him into a pile of manure. If his advances continue, all bets are off; nail his pecker to the floorboard.

So, the next time he comes a-calling, especially via text or email, try this:

Dear [insert name of not-cute-enough guy],

I'm [flattered/stunned/covering my mouth to prevent spewing my chardonnay] by your proposal. Ordinarily, I would enjoy having [coffee/dinner/sex] with you, but at this moment, I am:

[Insert all that apply.]

• Married
• Seeing someone
• Not over my ex
• Pregnant ... with twins
• Swearing off penis
• Looking for a job in Madrid
• Not [thirsty/hungry/horny] enough
• Concentrating on my [career/children/crossword puzzle]
• Involved in a serious relationship with my Netflix queue
• Not drunk enough to get past how unattractive you are
• Caring for a sick [parent/child/vagina]
• Working in the same building as you, which makes this extra-creepy
• Half your age, Grandpop
• Desperate, but not quite on my deathbed yet
• Not looking for another pet to take care of
• Plotting the extermination of all men with soul patches, hairy backs, and boat shoes
• About to pass out from the scent of your Axe Body Spray
• Considering adding your blood to my collection of victim slides
• Speechless

I do appreciate your asking. That must have taken some [tequila/foolish pride]. I have [cute/horny/desperate] friends who might be interested. Can I set up you? Do you have any [cuter/blacker/richer] friends--not for me, of course--for my friends?

Here [hand him a bar napkin]. No, don't write on it. I thought you were tearing up. Sorry.

Anywho, this has been [lovely/awkward/disturbing]. You're such a [nice/super/not entirely hideous] guy. Have a wonderful day.

Yours [truly/unimpressed/hating life right now],

[Insert some woman's name, not yours.]