What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Monday, December 12, 2011

Places to meet your soul mate.


It strikes me as ironic when I meet a woman in a bar who tells me how she doesn’t expect to meet anyone in a bar. Hello-o? A bar is the ideal place to meet your next mate. There you can see how well he plays with others and how well she can handle her liquor (or “truth serum,” as often is the case). If there’s music playing you can study his movements to see what he’ll be like in the sack. If she’s flailing her arms while wearing fingerless gloves, eighties-style, she’s bound to pound the baby batter out of you. Request some Go-Go’s and make your move, Bucko!

Other places that (insensible) people suggest as preferable places to meet a mate include:
  • Church – (*yawn*) Really? I assume this is because it means you share the faith. I’m here to tell you that’s unlikely. One of you is going to be more superstitious than the other (read “holier than thou”) and soon you’ll want to smite her.
  • Grocery Store – People rarely go there to browse. It’s get in, get the eggs, milk, and muffins, pay, and get out. Now, in the odd chance you find a smartly dressed person lingering in the personal lubricant section, it does merit further investigation.
  • Networking Event – If you’re an extrovert, this can work. Then again, you’ve probably dated many of the people attending the event, which will turn into one, massive cock-blocking party.
  • Youth Athletic Event – ONLY if you have children participating is this acceptable. Still, beer drinking is discouraged and children are clumsy and noisy, so I’d skip it. (Can you tell I’m childless?)
  • Marathons – Rarely do I find myself anxious to penetrate a sweaty person wearing a knee brace and safety-pinned number. It’s better when I cause my mate to sweat without chasing her. However, two runners in one family will help you meet your medical deductible sooner.
  • Concerts – What? I can’t hear you. Did you say you love the head twat silly steppers? I never heard of them. I said I never … oh, never mind.
  • Coffee Shops – Zombies go to coffee shops. These people are either half-asleep or in a mid-afternoon coma. If you ask one for her number, she’ll probably punch you in the dick for startling her.
  • Online – Ever see those fast-food burger ads? Does the burger you unwrap ever resemble the one in the ad? No, it doesn’t. Guess how closely his dating profile pictures will match.
  • Through a Mutual Friend – Your friends are secretly either jealous of you or annoyed by you to some degree. If they are trying to hook you up it is because they want to live vicariously through you or put an end to your incessant whining and pet accumulation.
  • The Gym – We’re all wearing headphones in the gym so we aren’t distracted by the awful music they have piped in and the obnoxious grunts of sleeveless monkeys. It’s all sign language in the gym and there’s no clear way to sign that you want to do naked pushups without risking a severe beating.
  • Reunions – Haven’t we already done this? Twenty years around these people wasn’t enough? Now we have to do it every five years as well? I think not. Unless, of course, that blowjob queen you keep bragging about to your friends happens to be attending.
Go to a bar, people. Drink until somebody gets cute and hope the fellow patrons follow suit.

7 comments:

  1. Great post.

    I found my husband in a bar. So that worked out. We're still happily married for 11.5 years now. :-)

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  2. So completely awesome. Exclamation point.

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  3. You forgot High School :P That's where I met my husband 13 yrs ago! :P

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  4. My band got hired by the beautiful lady who manged the bar (now my wife)!

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  5. met hubby at a bar (19 years)...funny enough he doesn't drink that much any more...I find my self in situations like your previous post Band of Mothers although I have never hookedup with anyone and don't plan to, a few of my friends have of course they are now divorced or separated!

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