What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Have you defined your dream boy or dream girl?

If you don't know what you're after, prepare yourself for long nights of window shopping. Some people get off on that. Still, if you want a partner who fits, you'd better know your requirements. Each gender defines their mates uniquely, and each person within the gender has varied tastes as well. Most of these tastes change with age and experience.

For example, soon after my first boner, this was my dream girl:
  • Older
  • Experienced
  • Likes to play
  • Kisses with her mouth closed
  • Has bouncy little boobies I can play with
  • Will write book reports for me if I help her with algebra
  • Loves Whopper Minis like I do
  • Has a purse with candy, mostly the red, chewy kind
  • Can't run as fast as I can or kick my butt
  • Doesn't have any female friends who are mean

In college it changed to:
  • Likes to drink until she pukes
  • Smokes the occasional doob
  • Can write an essay for me if I write her Basic program
  • Likes to dance, with me only, to songs in my record collection
  • Won't mind having sex with me if someone else is in the room and the lights are out
  • Has a nice roommate who walks around in just her undies often
  • Will attend sporting events with me and yell
  • Wants sex more than once a week
  • Won't bang any of my hallmates
  • Knows how to give a blowjob without biting or squeezing my nuts too tightly

Post-college:
  • Earns enough money to avoid leeching off my struggling-to-make-the-rent butt
  • Has no more than one roommate, dog, or cat
  • Doesn't mind sleeping over my place and leaving before breakfast
  • Can help me shop for clothing and teach me how to iron
  • Cooks something more than Ramen noodles, but doesn't mind eating them
  • Is sometimes into deviant sex, but she never was with any previous lovers
  • Works on losing the college twenty and keeping them off
  • Wears bikinis, lingerie, and my shirts
  • Is on some sort of reliable birth control
  • Will keep the whining to a minimum while I do manly things

Mid-life:
  • Drinks wine--almost as much as I do--and enjoys shots of fine tequila
  • Will be my designated driver at least half the time
  • Loves the penis often, especially in the morning without too much kissing
  • Has her own TV, car, and credit cards
  • Supports the democratic platform and legalization of marijuana
  • Does some exercise (without me) beyond the senseless elliptical machine
  • Is content having text-message conversations with me
  • Will at least offer to buy me breakfast or cover a tip once in a while
  • Hates condoms and has a well-kept whisker biscuit
  • Won't correct me, shave me, or bring me to Jesus

My empty bed and cat-hair coated keyboard suggest my dream girl needs a makeover.

8 comments:

  1. I just want a man with a removeable penis.

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  2. You mean a penis with a removable man, right?

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  3. OOOOOOOOOOh, ok, I see where that came from.

    Honestly, I don't think you're asking too much. She's out there some where Phil. But you won't find someone like that in a bar.

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  4. No, I used to have one of those. Bought for me by a man, of course.

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  5. "dream girl" exists; just not able to recognize her at this time

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  6. hysterical. love you writing but it may be time for that 3rd cat, or 4th for that matter

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  7. The mid-life dream girl most certainly exists. You might find she even owns her own home...however there is likely to be a kid or two in it. Your list didn't say anything about that. Also, you're unlikely to find her in a bar.

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  8. This was funny... As a mid 40's woman.. I, too, have had to uhm lower the standards.. But I refuse to drop them all to simply "walking upright". Some of us mid 40's women have no kids and no ex husbands. Yeah, I possibly waited too long to start lowering the standards. Can't wait to read more!

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